I don't want to write this.
I feel like Atp. I want to blog, I want to... I just don't.
I know exactly what my next ten posts would be and say. It's all planned and drawn up, it just needs typed...
And then I choke. I balk.
I can't do it. I have a PRIVATE blog with only close INVITED readers... and yet I can't do this.
I can't hack blogging.
The risks outweigh the benefits for me, and I'm scared to reveal myself in such a way. It's just too real for me. Too personal.
I'm on disconnect.
I'm plodding along toward April. Is it here yet dammit?
I just want to graduate... that's ALL that matters to me.
I feel sick to my stomach and disjointed today. One of those days where you are so disconnected from yourself that it affects even your 'pretending to be okay' functionality.
I want to cry, but don't remember how and it never helps anyway. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have no direction, no hope. And when you don't have hope, life isn't a very fun experience.
I look at my future. I've been building it for ages. And yet, it scares the shit out of me.
I watched Pilot Candidate all the way through... and realized I'd never seen the final eppys. It was amazing. Zero races toward the future and his dream of becoming a pilot. In the last episode the story really opens up and becomes break-neck, edge-of-your-seat interesting...
...and then it ends. It just stops. There's no more.
I'm left wanting more. And there is none. Is that what's going to happen to my life?
The future is bright... since when did I become scared of the light? Is it because I am made of darkness? What the hell is real anymore? What the hell is right?
I'm just tired of feeling lost... and not knowing... anything.
I don't think I have anything else to say right now.
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"Forgive these wild and wandering cries,
Confusions of a desolated youth;
Forgive them where they fail in truth,
And in thy wisdom make me wise.
---Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam
DISCLAIMER: Gay. Mormon. Pieces of me that I'm still trying to harmonize. Almost 10yrs since coming out, 5yrs since leaving the Church, I haven't figured out how to quit yet. Please respect my space. If you don't have a constructive contribution, please leave.
1 comment:
i have no idea what Pilot Candidate is, but i can't tell you how many times in my life i've felt this way.
well, not quite this way, but pretty damn close.
i see the lights up ahead, but i don't want to run towards them. you get to the light and then what. i can't imagine anything different that what i've always known. you say everything will be great! well isn't everything supposed to be great, now? what changes? if it isn't really anything that changes, why go there?
i've raced to the goal and hit the brick wall--what the hell was the point of getting to the goal if you were only going to get broken?
so now i've veritably flown to graduation and being a real adult or whatever, and as it turns out, i can't fly and the ground dropped out from underneath me.
that was more than i planned to say, and i'm not sure if i said what i planned to say
but i've said something. something that felt very cathartic to say. and i'm not sure if it was my catharsis, but it was dying for air, and it's had it, now.
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