20 August 2007


I'm still reeling from my immense sense of disconnect. My profound sense of unplaceable disconcertion.

I'm not sure I can even tell who I am anymore.

I've become a ghost of a shell...everything else is dead and buried.

I've been doing so well... keeping myself busy.

Class and work and being involved have kept me driven. DRIVEN I tell you, so that I didn't have time to dwell, to think, to try.

To breathe. Or to be.

Now I find myself slave to the space between semesters. I have no routine. No schedule. Nothing to bury myself in to keep from living...

"What hurts more than just dying is living barely alive. After all it's easier than falling short every time." ~The Classic Crime, The Fight

I think I'm breaking down... and I don't know what to do. Other than push it away and keep trying to maintain my broken self.

A close friend I recently came out wrote me a letter about how she hurts for me because I won't face this... she doesn't know anything... I have faced this. Head-on for many months. And then the pain became too great and I started making rash decisions that I regret and I got so confused and messed up and unsure that I almost died. Really died.

So I started running. And I've never looked back. Sometimes you cope by avoiding because you're not able to handle what it is you're running from. And that's okay, right? You can run for a while until you get a better handle on things and then come back for a second try...

Only I don't understand what's happening to me now... during the in-between... running shouldn't hurt... so why do I hurt? And want to cry?

I hate blogging I think. But maybe I hate me and my life more?

That's all.

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