30 June 2015


I tried for years to make myself a place in the Mormon church after I came out. And I failed. And so I gave up.

It was either that or take my life.

It's crazy to me how far away I can claim to be from all this now and yet how absolutely debilitating it still is for me. I watched this clip today and just bawled. It still hurts so much. I just collapse and can't breathe and I cry. And there's no one here to hold me. No one.

Even after severing all ties, closing all doors, and walking as far away as I could get, it STILL hurts me. I wish there were a way to abandon it completely. I wish.

The new letter meant to be read from the pulpit, reminiscent of Proposition 8, on either July 5th or July 12th in response to the Supreme Court Ruling for Marriage Equality takes me back to my pain and suffering. Takes me back to sitting in Sacrament in California in 2008. Takes me back to talks given at Conference that made me wish for a gun.

I don't know what else to do to help. To make people listen. To stop the pain and hurt.

So I'll just cry instead and hope that helps somehow.