22 October 2007

New Testamentimony

Gasp of all gasping, my New Testament class didn't make me want to stab my eyeballs with a sharp pencil for being so boring today. There really is a first time for everything. It was actually very interesting, but that's cuz we were talking about what I already blogged about. So for those who stomached the first dose and still want more, here comes more Romans, and lots of scrumptious questions:
"Know ye not that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?" (Romans 6.16, emphasis added)
That word right there...yield. It's important. Verses 12-14 address not letting lust overpower your mortal body and using your members for the right reasons. Paul is talking about the hard stuff here. The stuff your kids are gonna want/need to know about, and you're going to have to tell them. Do you have the spiritual guts to be so blunt?

To review verse 16, whenever you YIELD you become servant to that side. Where else do we see yield in the scriptures? Mosiah.
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father" (Mosiah 3.19, emphasis added)
Again the yieldage. What means it? We have to yield to get God in our lives, we have to choose that path. That last half says become like a kid, and lists attributes. Start from humility and move forward. Are these arbitrary attributes slapped together? If you think so, time to reread my last post. There's a formula here; a list (Romans 5.3-5). And when we yield, what does that mean?

It means you STOP FIGHTING. You surrender. You give yourself to God. And what does that do? How about "builds humility" for $1 million. Where's the most well-known humility scripture? Ether.
"And if men come unto to me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12.27)
Ah yes, the ol' weakness to be humbled scripture. Well what does the Lord require? 1. Humility. 2. FAITH. Oh look, that thing I've been talking about in depth. Amazing.

But seriously. Yielding. Surrendering. It takes effort. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO IT ALONE THEN YOUR TRANSITION ISN'T DONE YET. THE NATURAL MAN DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF SURRENDERING. But it needs to be done. You have to YIELD and give yourself to God in order for him to work in you.

And may I now venture into a realm where I would (were my blog public) very openly and quickly receive criticism. Could not one's level of attraction be considered a "weakness" spoken of in verse 27? Does God not then promise to make such a "weakness" strong? I realize this will be seen by some as borderline blasphemous. My only retort: Do you have the spiritual guts to have ENOUGH FAITH to surrender yourself to God and his mighty plan with enough humility to have him make your weaknesses strengths? I don't yet, but this isn't all or nothing.

It's life. And life is a process. Not a verdict.

21 October 2007

Some Milk

I was reading my scriptures today at work and came across this:
"...but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." (Rom 5.3-5)
I think the formula there is pretty amazing. From trial to hope and reveling in the love of God. That's pretty much truth right there.

Another one:
"For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness." (Rom 5.20)
This is what I was talking about yesterday with being scared to have faith, and being scared to stop doubting. When you continue to dwell in ambiguity, and moral grays, and question what you know to be true, then you are free. Free from the responsibility and commitment the gospel brings with it. But then two verses later we are reminded "that the wages of sin is death" (Rom 5.23) You can be free from righteousness or you can be freed from sin by the truth. There is one path, one redeemer, and one gospel. Do you have the guts to follow Him? The FAITH?

One last scripture that stood out:
"For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it" (Rom 8.24-25)
This goes back to what I said yesterday too. People are struggling and moving in a direction they have rationalized as "right" because they can't see how things could possibly work. How can I be with a woman? How can I be at one with my feelings and the church? They don't see it, and then they give up. But that which is seen is NOT hope, that's just it. Hope IS that which is not seen. That's why it's hope. That's why it's hard.

The weighty, important things that really matter? They take work, dedication, suffering, sacrifice, hope, and FAITH. They aren't supposed to be easy. Then we wouldn't grow and how would that help us be more like God?

K, I'm done preaching now. Ps, happy birthday to my mom. I heart my mom. We talked for the first time today since our fight in... June.

20 October 2007

F A I T H

How long have I
Been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by
The ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright.

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I
Ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has
Become my purpose.
Cuz I'm so used to living
Underneath the surface.

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright.

Everything's alright...yeah...everything's alright.

~Lifehouse, Storm

Changes Good

I know, it's been a while. I know, I never said everything I wanted to say. I know, I know, I know. But there are other things I know. And I think I need to write about them so you know too.

General Conference was pretty much amazing. I went to 4 of the 5 sessions in SLC, and watched the other one at my house. This was the first time since coming home from my mission that I didn't completely hate myself and the church after it was done. It was...kinda hopeful actually.

And then it started. My paradigm shift. I'm still confused, and still wary, but I'm going for it. Gimple has been a strong influence and I'm so so grateful for his example.

I just really felt after conference and having discussions with close straight friends that I needed to move in a new direction. And that direction isn't as "new" as it seems. It's back toward the church. Not that I've been moving away from it, but I haven't really been doing much to be a Mormon.

I'm okay with my shift. And my friends remarked immediately that I seemed different. God forbid... but I seemed... happier. And I like that. I feel like I've always known this was the path. Drex has been a close unwavering example of that for a long time but I was too much of a dumbass to see that. I know what's right. The scary thing is that I may always have known what's right. But acknowledging that you know is difficult. It brings with it explicit responsibility. And so I balk, and say, but it's almost easier to doubt and say you don't know... because then you don't have to do anything. It's all about faith. And having the COURAGE TO HAVE THAT FAITH.

Gimple is prolly gonna post on this too, (sorry if I steal any thunder) but the MoHo community is becoming way too casual. Way too casual. I felt really uncomfortable at the last "get-together" Salad and Drex hosted. It was just way too cuddly for me. I'm not really looking for that anymore. So I've pulled away from most of those people, and I'm okay with that. I really like where Gimple is going and I want to follow him. He is amazing, and an example, and an inspiration. Many mohos out there are struggling right now. Really struggling. And that's because they are afraid. Afraid to have the faith that God is still with them and will help them. What are they doing? Just hanging out with other Mohos. Cuddling. Hooking up. That doesn't spell "gospel" to me. This may sound slightly hypocritical because I used to be there, being that casual, but I've learned...and I'm growing again...away from those situations.

I'm starting to unbury my testimony. The gospel is right, and I KNOW THAT. AND SO DO YOU. Now... I just wish that knowing hadn't come at such high a price. It hurts inside, you know? But it's good. It's all good hurt.

I started praying again. I hadn't prayed in months. I'm reading my scriptures. I'm actually feeling the spirit again. And I'm CHOOSING to believe that not only is God good, but that he will fulfill his promises. He will lead me, he will guide me, and that there IS A WAY to make it.

And that way is through FAITH.

I realized that my mission was so so so amazing because God knew what was coming next. He knew that it was going to destroy me and make me question more than I ever have before, and so he gave me a special mission with tons of success and witnesses of truth. I just wish I had seen that sooner. He did it so that it could be an anchor to me in these hard times. I also figured out why some of my straight friends are in my life... and that's for their testimonies. They are pillars of gospel strength. I need people like that right now.

In a recent convo, my friend said, "Hidden, wow. This... you realize this could be one of the most important decisions you ever make?" I do. That's intimidating. But it's true. This could be one of those crux points that changes everything else I do and am.

I'm still okay with that. And changing. FAITH.

I'm starting to see a girl... and I think I like her. So I'm kind of redefining my sexuality all over again right now. It's been pretty interesting, but I'm in a good place.

And I like that.

03 October 2007

Broken

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is the healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will...be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

~Lifehouse