Sticky Note

My blog(s) have been deathly quiet.

This is attributed to my level of busy-ness.

I will take solace in the notion that this is a good thing.

Vacay

Sigh. I'm taking a break.

Much needed, methinks.

My best friend from High School is getting married this weekend, so I'm flying out - tomorrow - for a whole week of rest and relaxation. Time away. From everything.

Hopefully this will be good for me. :)

Keep Holding On

I've had so much on my mind the last few weeks... I know I haven't been diligent about blogging, and the little I have has been vague...

I don't have much to rectify that right now. I just wanted to say this. It's really, really hard being ripped in half every single moment of every day... and for two entirely different reasons. Agh.

Tonight I was watching GLEE as usual... and heard this song. And I cried.



You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side,
You know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

The whole time I could only think one thing: That I don't deserve her.

Apparently I'm going to say more than I intended. So much for vague...

I felt really grateful and really scuzzy at the same time. It brought to the surface all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my realizations about how awful I am. I'm not good enough for her, I don't treat her the way I should, and it's so easy for me to be cold and hateful to her. She's still here... why? Shouldn't she just leave and find someone better? Someone who's not a jerk? Someone who can LOVE HER?

And it makes me crazy because it simply stirs up everything I'm already feeling as I try and sort this out... do I love her? Can I love her the way she needs to be loved? People say yes, people say no, there's screaming... I've lost friends... now what?

Inside my heart I wrestle with myself...because I just don't know if *I* am good enough. And even if I am...how do I convince myself of this reality? I just don't believe in my heart. I don't...

...guess I'll just Keep Holding On.

...

I'm ready to wake up from this NIGHTMARE loosely defined as "life."

Exhausted...

The fight has gone out of me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out my stupid, complicated life. And I'm sick of people judging me, assuming they can speak for me, tell me how to live, and what the hell I need to be doing with my life to be happy. Especially when they are people I love, care about, and trust, who in turn react negatively, presume to speak for me, and then tell me that I'm going to be miserable. They are right, they know-all, and they can speak for me and mine.

I could be pissed, I could be upset, I could be angry, I could come out fists flying to stand up for myself, make myself heard, and try to be understood.

But I'm too tired. I'm too beaten. I don't have the strength left to stand up and fight with you. Fine. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell me that I'll be calling you in 10 years when I'm wrong. Scream at me. Yell at me. Beat me into the ground.

At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.

In a week where everything falls apart and goes wrong, like getting wine dumped all over a very expensive outfit and having it effectively ruined; attempting to do a friend a favor and inadvertently cracking his windshield; getting belittled and berated by someone I really respected and looked up to for my apparent choices that (even though they are mormon and I'm heading in a very mormon direction) are going to make me miserable because let's remember that I'm gay and that should be more important than my faith in all regards; and having my civil suit (after 9 months) dropped out from under me without a second thought; when I am to the point where I feel the only other thing that can happen to me to make it any worse is getting run over AGAIN by a car (maybe this time I could die?)...

I will still find the strength to kneel down at the end of the day and Bless and Thank God for my trials, especially the ones that break and burn me. That's inside me, and I don't know how I do it, but it's there and it's me.

I want to give up, and I want to quit, and I want to get a gun... but in the end, I simply kneel down and thank God for destroying me. Again. So I can start picking up the pieces once more.

I'm so tired.

Intimacy

I'm just going to throw this out. I'm stewing and mulling and it's eating at me to blog it all, but I just don't know.

So I'll start here. I want as MUCH Feedback (Caveat: ON TOPIC) as possible with this post. This is a me reaching to the edges (hopefully) of the MoHo/MOM/Gay world.

I want to have some discussion with those who have (or if you know someone who has, please steer me/them in their/my direction) had intimate relations with men, then decided (for whatever reason(s)) to have/try relations with a woman. Those who are in MOM's and think about men and are with women, but have never actually been with a man don't apply to what I want to talk about.

Please if this is you (or you know anyone who fits this) I want to chat/email/call, etc.

Thanks.

Resignation

I'm sick of everything.

I don't want to try anymore.

That's all.

Resolve

This post is dedicated to anyone struggling in a relationship.

I will confess to loving this song so much that it's currently ranked #1 on my itunes. 247 plays since January. I think that's an average of at least once a day, but I don't do math, so I dunno. :) Cheers.



My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it is never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

~It's Not Over, Secondhand Serenade

Consolation

At least the Void has good music :P This post is dedicated to MYSELF.



I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is
My one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is
Something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

-Be My Escape, Relient K

Void

Aporia. Self. Simultaneously one and the other. Self. Constituting a third term in binary opposition without leaving room for a solution. Self. The splitting open and deconstruction of systems of thought... Self.

Scott recently blogged about the "T/F" package deal of Mormonism, something I had to efface from my thoughts and mind in order to come to terms with myself as something other than an evil entity before the eyes of God.

But now what? Now where? What does an aporetic being do when he himself is broken down and torn into pieces by the very systems of thought he challenges and breaks down around him?

What do I do now that I've come to terms with me, and my path, and find that I systematically obliterated all restriction so that literally ANYTHING is possible?

How do you know which way to project yourself in the vast emptiness that is space when there is nothing around you to propel off of? I feel like I'm swimming, but there's no water. There's no land. There's nothing.

Just... nothing.

The options are there, the paths are known, but I am supposed to take the one that will make me happy... what if that's all of them? Any? None?

There is so much weighing down on me right now. I'm so heavy. So, so heavy. How do I ever hope to make this decision? The choice that trumps all other choice? The one that decides which path I walk? I've been here before.

Damn. The most frustrating thing is to see myself having progressed SO FAR, only to realize that it all comes back to the same place. To the same choice. To the same fight. Why doesn't this struggle ever end?

In a world of pure gray where black and white no longer matter, how do you choose a right? THE right? How should I know what to do? Spiritual confirmation is necessary some have told me... but where do you find that when you don't even really know how to pray? When you don't know what to believe in? I feel like I need to just give up and start over. Start at the very beginning. Dismantle my faith completely, set fire to it, and then start from the ground up. But how does that help me make the decision I am facing?

I was sure. Almost. I was getting there. And then I said something that made me realize otherwise. And now I don't know what to say. Who to counsel with. You want a neutral source, one without bias, but we all have our experiences and they all color us one shade or another in this world of pale gray light. So I'm quiet. And afraid. And I talk in circles, except for those who are so close they have ears to hear... and I don't spit what I'm thinking or feeling. I just stir. And think. And mull. And wonder. Can I? Can I do this?

I have always walked alone. I want to end that, but I'm not sure if when it really, really comes down to it that I actually know how. In a moment, a thought, a conviction, it's easy to go along and say "Yes," but as time flows and the cold snap breaks into the shards of progression, does my answer remain the same? I know how to be social, to get along, to be chummy, but people don't get close. Not THIS close. This is an anomaly, a difference, a chance.

But do I take it? Is it worth it? Is this what I want? Can I hack this path that has never been walked before? Will I be happy?

I doubt, and I drown, and I lament. I was walking on water... .

Now I'm floating. In an abyss of nothing. How will I ever decide? I need more time, but it's growing short because the window of opportunity is shrinking, the heart is closing, and I am still wondering.

Without True and without False, how do I decide Right for Me and Wrong for Me?

I'm content in a lot of areas of my life to not have answers, but I cannot proceed with the answer here. I MUST have it. I MUST know. I MUST decide.

I MUST escape this void and reclaim my aporetic self. It just helps to express my dismay in the meantime. :) Especially since I can't see a foreseeable end, solution, answer, or otherwise. The Void is very dark. Guess that makes it wrong in a T/F world. Hey, it's a start, right?