16 March 2008

To Grandma

My best friend's Grandma passed away this morning, and I know this will be an absolutely crushing blow for her. I'm scared where she will go next. This will either be the motivation she needs to get through the coming months, or the gaping maw that will devour her alive into new depths of depression. I wrote this for her, because to her I am a poet, even though I firmly argue against such things:

To Grandma
I woke up this morning
and wanted to dance
Life, love, happiness
Bright, sunny, warm

I called [BF] to
invite her
her in the same arms
of love

When she answered
she sounded too awake
and then I knew

I don't know your name
but somehow that's okay
because we share a common bond
Love of a girl
Bright, sunny, warm

Like the sun
Shall we dance?
Stretch, turn, twist, grow with me
Hold my hand and never let go
this journey is absolutely, uniquely mine
But I want you to come too

Getting ready
I left my house
And locked the door, bolt shut tight
Said goodbye to empty halls and rooms
Hollow memories

As I walked along
I heard the birds
in the trees
chirping, calling out
loud and gay
Bright, sunny, warm

A Tribute
to the birth
of Spring
Made me think of flowers, blossoms, petals,
Growth, beauty, joy
Bright, sunny, warm

The sun will never stop shining
down on me
And I know
that neither will your smile
For there can be
no death in love
There is no death
For a life well lived
Goes on forever

Keep smiling Grandma,
And I will hold [BF]
for you
with you
We are
Bright, sunny, warm.

Attitude Problem

It's been forever and a year (not quite) since I put anything up here.

I've started journaling again, which is something I've needed. I can't remember a time when I was busier (although somehow I still feel like I get more sleep than I did as a missionary...) and I am ready for a break.

Graduation is close, and I am so excited.

That's what I want to say: I am well, and happy. And I like that.

I think that everything we get in life (whether born with or not) has to be funneled through our attitudes. Viktor E. Frankl was not dumb when he said that we always get to choose our attitudes, especially in suffering. The hand you get can be a blessing or a curse. Your Choice.

It has been a long and ofttimes debilitating struggle, but I'm going the "blessing" route now wholeheartedly. Knowing who I am, being okay with it, and embracing it...that has become what I use to empower myself to help other people.

I help people.
In small, but SIGNIFICANT ways.

And for me, that is enough.

An acquaintance mentioned the other day that I seem to be moralizing; that I'm condemning those who choose to live differently than myself. I initially spouted off about accepting everyone no matter what they do and how they choose to live...trying knee-jerk reactionarily to defend myself, but with greater thought I think my response was erroneous. I am moralizing. We choose what we are going to believe in, and that's a tough cookie to crumble for some people. Those who become disillusioned and walk away from the gospel into what they have chosen to believe is right cannot call themselves free of moralizing either. I realized that after thinking about this particular acquaintance's circumstances. He's not served a mission, doesn't want to, hates church, and often speaks out against the institution as close-minded, repressive, etc etc. Not very new arguments from people who are upset. That's moralizing too! He would probably balk if I threw that argument at him, but isn't it? You've just aligned your beliefs opposite mine, and every step I take toward my "right" and staying in a Church that is far more important to me than anything else is a step further into your "wrong" because of oppression, bigotry, and any other number of reasons.

Moral relativism is a dangerous game and one that I cannot walk indifferently. That knife edge cuts and cuts and I'm tired of bloody feet. I will look and live and that's the only thing I know how to do. I refuse to rationalize and justify. Gospel principles are gospel principles, and until/if they are changed with the proper authority and dissemination from the mouth of the Prophet I believe in, what I follow is ordained of God and I cannot rightfully place myself elsewhere. God doesn't believe in line-walkers, or fence-sitters. Make a decision and stick to it.

Hypocrisy is condemned more than anything else by the Lord, so I must be true to self and Church and follow that which I see before me as the lighted path--albeit rocky, thorny, hedged about, and difficult--back to my God.

People would argue me on this, attack me even, for my choice. For my solidity, my stability. I will NOT back down. My chips are down, and my weapon drawn, and I have chosen a side.

I'm not looking back.