I want it all to just be done. Over. Finished. I am sick of war, sick of debate, and sick of the empty pit in my stomach that never goes away long enough for me to feel better.
What's next? Where to?
Serendipity shows me this.
Scott shows me courage unprecedented.
The other Scot documents whispers of hope.
And yet... how long must I cradle my whispers of hope against the shadows of screaming hate which threatens to blot out everything else?
Is this the edge of the cliff? Where I fall? Say goodbye to my family? The church? Everything I've ever loved and held dear?
Where and how do I find the succor of solace?
I have been sort of on hiatus. I visited my Bro in Seattle. I've read 4 novels. Watched 5 movies. Anything somewhat mindless... just to forget for a moment. Any acceptable "drink" to satiate my burning soul.
But the war is not going to drag on - at least not this piece of it. It will be resolved by tomorrow's end. On the eve of such an unprecedented election, I do the only thing I know how.
Keep running.
I hate being gay and Mormon. More than anything else on this planet, I hate it...
Yesterday in church it was testimony meeting. Nothing on Prop 8. WRONG. A lady got up and driveled on about her son in California. Standing at the pulpit she had the audacity to say: "My son was telling me this story about his son who is 12, and heard one of the 'yes on 8' ads, and said to him: 'Dad, what's that?' My son explained it was a law to keep 'men from marrying men' and 'women from marrying women.' His son looked at him and said, 'Dad! Why would a man want to marry a man?'" She said it in the most condescending tone, as if was the funniest joke she'd ever heard. Like the very notion was absurd. Like that kid was the smartest kid ever.
I just sat in my chair, fists clenched, trying to keep my vomit in my mouth, even as I thought the answer: for love. For real, true, valid, actual love. WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT? DAMN YOU PEOPLE! DAMN YOUR SELF-RIGHTEOUS JUDGING! DAMN YOUR IGNORANCE! DAMN YOUR HATE! I wanted nothing more than to get up right then and bear MY testimony like Scott did...but I just got called to teach Primary... I get to teach the little ones! I love my calling! And what would these backwards, 1000% red, prejudiced, close-minded people say if they found out that the teacher of their precious kiddies was a G A Y? *gasps*
"'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding
Bleeding and falling apart
"And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
But I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
What's next? Where to?
Serendipity shows me this.
Scott shows me courage unprecedented.
The other Scot documents whispers of hope.
And yet... how long must I cradle my whispers of hope against the shadows of screaming hate which threatens to blot out everything else?
Is this the edge of the cliff? Where I fall? Say goodbye to my family? The church? Everything I've ever loved and held dear?
Where and how do I find the succor of solace?
I have been sort of on hiatus. I visited my Bro in Seattle. I've read 4 novels. Watched 5 movies. Anything somewhat mindless... just to forget for a moment. Any acceptable "drink" to satiate my burning soul.
But the war is not going to drag on - at least not this piece of it. It will be resolved by tomorrow's end. On the eve of such an unprecedented election, I do the only thing I know how.
Keep running.
I hate being gay and Mormon. More than anything else on this planet, I hate it...
Yesterday in church it was testimony meeting. Nothing on Prop 8. WRONG. A lady got up and driveled on about her son in California. Standing at the pulpit she had the audacity to say: "My son was telling me this story about his son who is 12, and heard one of the 'yes on 8' ads, and said to him: 'Dad, what's that?' My son explained it was a law to keep 'men from marrying men' and 'women from marrying women.' His son looked at him and said, 'Dad! Why would a man want to marry a man?'" She said it in the most condescending tone, as if was the funniest joke she'd ever heard. Like the very notion was absurd. Like that kid was the smartest kid ever.
I just sat in my chair, fists clenched, trying to keep my vomit in my mouth, even as I thought the answer: for love. For real, true, valid, actual love. WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT? DAMN YOU PEOPLE! DAMN YOUR SELF-RIGHTEOUS JUDGING! DAMN YOUR IGNORANCE! DAMN YOUR HATE! I wanted nothing more than to get up right then and bear MY testimony like Scott did...but I just got called to teach Primary... I get to teach the little ones! I love my calling! And what would these backwards, 1000% red, prejudiced, close-minded people say if they found out that the teacher of their precious kiddies was a G A Y? *gasps*
The woman who spoke in California two days ago was absolutely right:
"I know that the 'Yes on 8' campaign has made it extremely difficult for gay and lesbian Mormons, their families, and their friends to feel the love of God at Church. The divisive spirit of the 'Yes on 8' campaign has in fact created deep divisions within our congregations and families."This is tearing us apart. Literally. I just...I just don't know how to be strong anymore. I'm glad this is over, because I can't do it anymore. I'm done walking on the knife edge. I'm falling, I'm bleeding, and I'm dying. Amid the overwhelming pain of the future I unhappily face, I did find one precious moment of respite when I was relaxing after church:
"I've gone so far from my home
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
"'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding
Bleeding and falling apart
"And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
But I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
"We are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
And be growing young...growing young
"I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you it ain't worth what it costs
I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much
"And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
And be growing young...growing young
"I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you it ain't worth what it costs
I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much
"And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
But I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
"And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now
What it was that made me wait so long
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
"And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now
What it was that made me wait so long
"And what kept you waiting for me all that time
Was your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will you take me back now take me back and let me be your child
"'Cause I've been broken down, I've been saved
Learned to cry and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning
Was your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will you take me back now take me back and let me be your child
"'Cause I've been broken down, I've been saved
Learned to cry and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning
I'm learning even I can be changed
"Everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young"
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young"
--Rich Mullins, "Growing Young"
I'm ready to be done. I'm tried of crying. I'm tried of hurting. I'm ready to go home. To be held, to be loved, and to have my tears wiped away.
And to finally feel what I have only ONCE in my life...
...peace.
1 comment:
I can't add your blog to my feed reader because it's private, so I don't remember to check it as often as I should. I wish I had read this post when it was new so that I could have given you a virtual hug. Hopefully it will still do some good.
[[HUG]]
I wish I knew how to make things better for you. Hopefully it's enough to know that I care, and that I know how you feel, because I'm right there with you.
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