"Happiness is a warm gun."

I don't know where to begin. What to say. How to feel better. 

Hate and discrimination are alive and well. And I am so alone. I live in a place where no one can know me, I am forced to be just as hidden as I am on this blog. They are all too republican, and too Mormon to understand, or accept. My uncle just the other night in passing, mentioned a man he knew whose daugther was gay "but she got her life straightened out [how ironic, what verbosity!] and got back to the temple." I can say nothing here without it destroying me. The one cousin I did manage to trust enough to tell, refused (even with lengthy discussion) to believe that this was not a choice... dear Lord.

Prop 8 passed. And it feels like there is a knife in my heart that I cannot for the life of me remove. Anger burns within me, and I don't know how to make it go away. Or if I even want to...

The day before hate reared its head for inequality, a friend of mine with whom I'd had a number of thoughtful, heartfelt discussions with, emailed me. Again it was sincere, open, and honest. Why she was voting yes. 

People are just so torn. The lines of battle are so marked. How can you look at this as anything but war? And me... caught in the middle again... or am I? When I received that email, my thoughts frightened me. They still do. My first reaction was that even respectfully siding against me, I would shoot her because this is war. If it came down to it, I would take a gun and I would shoot her. 

WHO AM I? I stare at my own hands, and no longer recognize them. Thank God I am here, and not in California, for I surely would have been driven over the edge... and no longer here.

I have not felt this way since I came out. I thought hell was done. I rebuilt my world, I re-found happiness. And now it is dead all over again. Stomped to pieces by those who call themselves my friends, by those I worship with every week in the hopes of finding non-existant peace.

The day after, when I was feeling so hurt, it was compounded by otherwise "well-intentioned" people I once called "friend." Now? I just don't know.

One told me to go picket, to go snipe mormons and their brainwashed children. After I cut off that conversation, they emailed me to tell me not to give up. And included an article about people who became straight. Well F**K that. And that's exactly what I told them. Another tried to say that the church's positon was misconstrued and that the church's leaders stance was respectable members extrapolated the untrue conclusions. And another left me the message: "if you're going to say that everyone who supports Prop 8 is a bigot, then I'm a bigot. As you know there are lots of arguments for both side sof Prop 8, and both of us are probably very firm in our opinions...it's not something I'll ever avoid talking about with you, if you want to talk to me about it, but I just wanted to say thanks for the new name."

How the hell am I supposed to just continue being friends with these people? How am I supposed to act like nothing has happened? Like they did not fight to hurt me? Like something has not broken in this world that I don't know how to fix? Am I being selfish here? Am I just an asshole? Why does this world have to be like this? I just want to be done with all of it. With everyone. 

My friend who sent me the heartfelt email ironically captures my exact feelings and understanding: "Society cannot accept homosexual marriage as normal.  It will be our downfall.  Mosiah 29:26-27.  The prophets are put in place to warn us of things we cannot foresee."

Yes, this is our downfall. But not in any sort of 6 ridiculous consequences kind of way. No, this is going to be a different downfall. And far worse than anything like a little kid knowing what that in some places "men marry men."

For two days I have just watched movie after movie after movie. And after that I switched to cartoons. And when I was done blocking "friend" after friend," I went to my brother who stands by me without hesitation (and is also no longer a Mormon, which seems to be ther direction I am increasingly heading), knowing that he would listen to me. He listened to me recount how I felt, about my "friends" and he, yes, he put words to my pain: 

"It hurts because the people who are supposed to be supporting you and helping you on your journey through life have let you down."

He told me it was probably coming to the point where these "friends" get cut out of my life; I did not disagree. Then he got all senseical and told me that violence was not the answer and that I'd do no one any good behind bars, and I yelled at him for being senseical.

His final comment to me: "Time heals all things." 

This brought to my mind my favorite movie, The Power of One:

PK: "Sir, if we let them get away with this, on our own ground, it will never change."

Professor: "History disputes you."
PK: "History takes too long."
Professor: "Yes, I know it does. But it is never kind to those who try to rush it."

Peace is elusive, hate abounds, I feel evil, and my friends hate me. Or are pushed away by me, because I don't how to deal with them right now. 

Time will change this, and heal my wounds. 

But time takes too long... and if I try and rush it, I just end up hurting more. And more. And more. I'm so f**king done with hurting.