The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?
~William Yeats, The Second Coming
I have much to say, but don't really know how to vocalize the pit and ache in my knotted stomach. I'm doing so good. My commitment to God is stronger than it has been in so long. That's not the problem. It's the polarizing and dividing among the ranks of the Moho world.
Once again lines are being drawn. People are reaching for weapons. Except this time I'm not crying in the middle for peace. I've picked a side. I don't regret it. I don't think it's a mistake. But does it have to be like this? O, dear God!!! Why is this happening?
I've already mentioned these qualms in previous posts. This gospel is a gospel of work. Of sacrifice. Of faith. Many Mohos say they want families. I KNOW I DO. But then I feel like all they do is sit around and have pity parties with each other about how hard this is and how bad it sucks. Yes, this is difficult! Yes, it can be painful! But it doesn't have to cripple your spirituality!!! God doesn't hand out spouses to heterosexual people, much less to people who aren't overtly attracted to them. But if I stick to my guns - I WANT A FAMILY - then I can frame myself with the mindset that God will provide the way. I will have the faith that he will guide me to success. That's difficult for some people to wrap their heads around. But seriously. If you want a family, then you NEED to be actively working toward that. You need to be out there, meeting people, dating girls, and strengthening yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the rough road ahead. Just look at the example of the Older MoHos. Their blogs are rife with struggle, pain, turmoil, and growth. NO ONE EVER SAID GETTING WHAT YOU WANT MOST WOULD BE EASY. I'm not saying that either.
I 1000% recognize and understand who and how I am. I am attracted to men. I desire intense physical intimacy with them. But I have CHOSEN to adopt the same mindset many Mormon men face with the addiction of pornography. I can WANT to look at porn, and CHOOSE not to. So I stand. I can WANT to be with a man -and recognizing that- move to what REALLY matters to me -that's my eternal progression and having a family. I can CHOOSE to pursue heterosexual relationships while not ignoring my homosexual tendencies.
People ask me how this is possible, and I've had my own qualms too with regard to the future. How would such a relationship work? What about the past? The secrets? A friend of mine almost lost his girlfriend when it came out that he had had problems with pornography. I sat there and balked. If Mormon women won't stay with someone who has looked at porn, where in God's name does that leave me with the kind and amount of egregious errors I've made? Dwelling on that would suffocate me. I would drown. I would die. I would beginning looking for a gun again. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
If you insist on focusing on the "ifs" the "hows" and the logistics of the future you fail--utterly fail--to understand your today. It's all about letting go of the rope you would use to hang yourself. Just let go. Screw it. I don't care. I'll deal with that when it's in my face and there's no more getting around it. Until then? I'm going to actively date and have FUN getting to know girls. That's all there is to it. I'm just going to jump in with both feet. Peter didn't walk on water by putting one foot in a little bit to test the water, sit there and think about it, mull over the consequences, the fears, etc etc. If you want to do something to CHANGE who you are, and to STRENGTHEN your testimony, GET OUT OF THE DAMN BOAT.
People are also becoming offended because Therapevo Ydata and I have begun spiritually putting our feet down. We are destroying doubt with the word. "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharped than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit..." (Heb 4.12). The word of God and our testimonies are coming to bear against people. The problem is not specific actions people are doing, or specific instances of sin. It's the overall decaying of TRUTH. People are eschewing "right" and "wrong" for gray and ambiguity. While that's great, you still have to come to a decision eventually. You have to decide WHAT you are going to believe in. That took me a long time to figure out. But no matter what I did, what I hope for, what I tried, I always ended up back in the same place. The gospel of Jesus Christ. People continue to question, to doubt, to rationalize, and to justify, and they want to have it both ways. My dad told me a very long time ago, when we spent our first time alone and had our first real conversation in maybe my whole life about who I am, that that wasn't possible. I didn't believe him then. I vowed to be the first. I will bridge the gap I told myself. But you can't. It's just not possible. The prophets say one thing, and those living active gay lifestyles say another. And we are stuck in the middle bombarded with hate, prejudice, and misunderstanding. God loves us. He understands us. People are holding out for a revolution in the church, for doctrinal changes. As much as I wish to stand up with you and hold a sign of hope, it's NOT going to happen. Are you reading your bible? This isn't a matter of prejudice with blacks and the priesthood where the brethren have to come out and say, 'oh we made a mistake.' It's scripture recorded in the Bible. The Church's stance can continue to soften as it has with things like "God loveth his Children," but it will not change. This is problematic to people who feel ZERO attraction to women. I am not God, or a prophet, and I do not have an answer for you. But I will love you, and stand with you, and hold you in pain and suffering as you grow to be more our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Now to my second issue. I am deeply, deeply, bothered that this seems to be turning us against ourselves. I'm not okay with that. That's where the sick and twisted knot of stomach is emanating from. Mohos talk of themselves as "part of the family" and yet now our family seems to be falling apart because some of us wish to eschew evil in all forms --including casual ones.
My only plea would be to say, please don't let this to amount to war. More than I ever have before, I am 1000% against war. It's horrific. I've been studying WWI and poets like Isaac Rosenburg, Rupert Brooke, Siegfried Sassoon, and Wilfred Owen. It's awful. Nietzsche is not far off in his claim that "God is dead." We have killed him! We have taken technology, learned, improved, and then KILLED with it. We have become our own Gods. I'm very much not okay with that. When England was set for war, the "boys" were sent out with pomp and circumstance and they were celebrated and glorified. Then the realities of war became all too starkly clear.
"Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling,War is disgusting. There is NOTHING to celebrate. England stood at the beginning of WWI as the imperial superpower. The one to be reckoned with. Then London got the hell bombed out of it. Well I look at the now. At the here. At 2007. I see the USA getting pissed at China for creating a missile capable of destroying a satellite from the ground and not telling them about it. I see the UN making a resolution to have space be neutral and peaceful to avoid another arms race, and the USA being the ONLY country on the entire damn planet voting against such peaceful resolutions. I have a PROBLEM with that. When I look at Britain going into WWI, all I see is the United States of America in 5 years. We are a generation unfamiliar with war. But can't you see it's coming? Time is winding down and we are going to be called upon to rise and fight for our country. I'm not okay with that.
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime...
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud..."
~Wilfred Owen, Dulce Et Decorum Est
Just as I am NOT okay with the impending war I seem brewing in MoHodom. WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO PEACE? Doesn't anybody try and live by Jesus' teachings anymore? God, I'm scared...