13 November 2007


I haven't had any drugs for almost a week... That has made life really shitty. I'm doing good, I really am. Phenomenal, even. But shitty.

When your attention span is 3 seconds, enduring an hour and a half of a subject that you're not even remotely interested in is more torturous than having your eyeball scraped with a straight pin. (ow...) So I didn't go to class on friday and didn't give a damn about my papers and didn't do any homework... just went out with a girl. (Two actually... one for lunch and one that night).

Oh, and I should prolly set the record straight here. Apparently people think I have a steady girlfriend. That's kind of a lie. There is/was a girl I found myself completely falling for... and wanted to date. But she's taken. I debated making a move, but wasn't sure how. This whole being in love with a girl thing is still really weird to me. So basically I got really shy and tripped on my words and felt awkward around her and her damn boyfriend continually made me hate him and feel uncomfortable around her, until I just stopped being her friend. I completely cut her out of my life. 1000% I'm such an asshole... I just can't be near her... My other friend who is great friends with her made clear what was up, so she didn't freak out that she'd done something to upset me. But now I don't know how to even just be friends with her. Agh. All I can do is get on my knees and pray for her and her boyfriend every night before I go to bed.

But I'm dating. I went out three times last weekend. And had 4 lunch dates during the week. There is a girl that I have my eye set on right now and am actively pursuing. I took her out last weekend to Thanksgiving Point and we ate in a hella bougie restaurant where I had pecan-crusted swordfish and dropped ridiculous amounts of money...because I can...and I felt like it. Then we went to the barn nearby and saw a huge display of all kinds of gingerbread houses. It was pretty cool and there were some that took up entire tables. Then we walked through the gardens. We went with my good friend (whom we will call Lisa) and her bf, and it was pretty fun. I dunno though. I'm into her, and want to date her, but she's kinda shy and I don't know how I feel about that. We are going out again tomorrow night. We'll see if that goes any better and helps me settle on an opinion.

I'm going out friday again with another girl. There are seriously too many of them. So many to date, and so few I actually want to. But people don't say no to me (usually). Have you seen me? I mean, damn. lol I dunno, this girl's pretty cool, though. Maybe I could like her. My good friend says she can so see me with this girl than the one I'm pursuing at present.

So yeah. I ain't given a damn about school for a bit now, and even better, I don't even know what to do or say anymore as far as blogging goes...

I read my scriptures for like an hour yesterday and it felt really good to spend time in the word of God. But then I read the blogs. So many have been defensive. So many have been outraged. So many have felt attacked.

And so what am I? The resident insensitive asshole? When did I get here? I'm trying to be spiritual... and that doesn't coincide with choices I see others making... but how do I say that without being branded? I think by far the best response was by Remus. But then what does that say about me? Have I become an unaccepting bigot because I have found a place to ground myself and build spiritually? I still love you all the same... I just hurt for the choices you make... or desire/think about making that I know only frustrate happiness. I KNOW THAT. Been there, and done that. And I'm not proud of it. And I want to help other people from being where I have been. How does that work without getting crucified by your fellow brethren who are still struggling and still questioning? I have no problem with questioning. Or thinking. I do them too. But I do have a problem becoming casual in my beliefs about Jesus Christ, losing my focus on what I REALLY want, and how much my commitment to the faith I've been with all my life has wavered.

I was reading in James last night. Chapter one. The verse about prayer that inspired Joseph. But there's so much more there! First off he says count it as joy when you are tempted. We should revel in our struggles and trials and enjoy how identifying the way we do, or being "gay" --whatever the hell the word people use anymore is-- and that trials should help teach us patience. Then verse 5 we all know. If you aren't sure about your trial and it's purpose --if you lack wisdom-- get on your knees and pray about it! Ask God! But you can't just ask. This is key guys, K E Y. Something has to be understood here. In the next verse it says "nothing wavering." Nothing is a pretty inclusive word. You can't waver. You can't hesitate. You can't vacillate. Do you understand what that means? Well verse 8 is another testament to the importance of those two words: "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways" (James 1.8) Does this resonate with anyone? When you are unsure of yourself and your sexuality and your faith... well it just explodes until you aren't sure about ANYTHING. Doubt can destroy your testimony!

I'm not trying to overshadow or question or minimize the experience of questioning and struggling, because reconciliation does take time. But just realize that while it's happening, life will be hell (as it was for me). Also realize that as good as being open-minded and accepting moral grays and ambiguities is... you still have to put your foundation somewhere. (parable of sand vs. stone anyone?) Back to verse 6: "For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed" (James 1.6). The sea is constantly changing and shifting... doing that gets us nowhere!

Why do people not see what these verses are screaming? I almost want to take my bible and just physically beat everyone with it... that's how impassioned I am about this! But then I get called heartless, a bigot, and unaccepting.

So what can I do? How do I say it? These scriptures are teaching us that being a member of Christ's church --and being CONVERTED-- requires a complete, whole, unwavering commitment. This is ALL or NOTHING people! There IS no room for rationalization, justification, hoping against hope to get what you want. The gospel is one of sacrifice, people. The gospel requires you to get out of the damn boat (see previous post) and WALK. Not doubt. Remember that's what Peter did? He sunk.

[Expletive]...This is SO HARD FOR ME. But I know it's RIGHT! And that's why it's worth it to me! W O R T H I T!!! I'm going to fight for what I believe in, and I'm going to keep walking the open path. I have the courage. I have the faith. I have the strength.

The ridiculous part is SO DO ALL OF YOU!!! Are you not returned missionaries? (Or strongly wanting to go?) Are you not members of the Mormon faith? Well, where the hell is the evidence? Where is your conviction, your surety, your knowledge? That burning?!! If you're anything like me, when I "came out," I LOST IT. Well, start fighting to get it back! Because you can! You just have to shift your focus, take a new direction, and continue to strive with faith and sacrifice!

My commitment to God is that IMPORTANT!!! And I want yours to be also...but it seems when I open my mouth and try and scream (or write) these things I am blasted left and right for my hatred and lack of understanding.

Am I doing this in the wrong spirit? The wrong attitude? Am I being too forceful? Then why do I feel the spirit when I think and say these things? What's so wrong with me and my devotion that I lose all of you? I have no [curse word] idea what to do or how to proceed...

But I'm sticking to my testimony, first and foremost. Because I recognize that this is a COMMITMENT. And one that I can't go back on, or rethink, or doubt about. All or nothing.

There is no lukewarm. Just like there is no "try."


drex said...

It's still a little bit surreal to see you talking like this. (: I'm glad things are good, and sad that some things aren't, but it seems like overall life is manageable. I'm also really looking forward to hanging out! :P

Hidden said...

Isn't it crazy? I totally agree with you. But it's SO right. I'll tell you the whole story when we hang out.