fear

I'm teaching in Elder's Quorum tomorrow... I'm absolutely frightened out of my mind. Guys are so incredibly intimidating to me. I passed on the calling to be the Elder's Quorum chorister for that very reason... now I'm going to teach them all gospel?

I just have to remember that after my testimony the outpouring of love was huge. Dz told me yesterday that it was the most memorable testimony and people are still talking about it and grateful for it.

I just hope I'm not awkward, or embarrassing. The focus is on Christ, not me... I want people to be like, "Who is this kid? Where did he get that testimony?" From trials baby. Trials that bring us closer to God. Hey, that's the topic of my lesson...

...I'm still scared out of my fricking mind.

Funk...

I haven't had any drugs for almost a week... That has made life really shitty. I'm doing good, I really am. Phenomenal, even. But shitty.

When your attention span is 3 seconds, enduring an hour and a half of a subject that you're not even remotely interested in is more torturous than having your eyeball scraped with a straight pin. (ow...) So I didn't go to class on friday and didn't give a damn about my papers and didn't do any homework... just went out with a girl. (Two actually... one for lunch and one that night).

Oh, and I should prolly set the record straight here. Apparently people think I have a steady girlfriend. That's kind of a lie. There is/was a girl I found myself completely falling for... and wanted to date. But she's taken. I debated making a move, but wasn't sure how. This whole being in love with a girl thing is still really weird to me. So basically I got really shy and tripped on my words and felt awkward around her and her damn boyfriend continually made me hate him and feel uncomfortable around her, until I just stopped being her friend. I completely cut her out of my life. 1000% I'm such an asshole... I just can't be near her... My other friend who is great friends with her made clear what was up, so she didn't freak out that she'd done something to upset me. But now I don't know how to even just be friends with her. Agh. All I can do is get on my knees and pray for her and her boyfriend every night before I go to bed.

But I'm dating. I went out three times last weekend. And had 4 lunch dates during the week. There is a girl that I have my eye set on right now and am actively pursuing. I took her out last weekend to Thanksgiving Point and we ate in a hella bougie restaurant where I had pecan-crusted swordfish and dropped ridiculous amounts of money...because I can...and I felt like it. Then we went to the barn nearby and saw a huge display of all kinds of gingerbread houses. It was pretty cool and there were some that took up entire tables. Then we walked through the gardens. We went with my good friend (whom we will call Lisa) and her bf, and it was pretty fun. I dunno though. I'm into her, and want to date her, but she's kinda shy and I don't know how I feel about that. We are going out again tomorrow night. We'll see if that goes any better and helps me settle on an opinion.

I'm going out friday again with another girl. There are seriously too many of them. So many to date, and so few I actually want to. But people don't say no to me (usually). Have you seen me? I mean, damn. lol I dunno, this girl's pretty cool, though. Maybe I could like her. My good friend says she can so see me with this girl than the one I'm pursuing at present.

So yeah. I ain't given a damn about school for a bit now, and even better, I don't even know what to do or say anymore as far as blogging goes...

I read my scriptures for like an hour yesterday and it felt really good to spend time in the word of God. But then I read the blogs. So many have been defensive. So many have been outraged. So many have felt attacked.

And so what am I? The resident insensitive asshole? When did I get here? I'm trying to be spiritual... and that doesn't coincide with choices I see others making... but how do I say that without being branded? I think by far the best response was by Remus. But then what does that say about me? Have I become an unaccepting bigot because I have found a place to ground myself and build spiritually? I still love you all the same... I just hurt for the choices you make... or desire/think about making that I know only frustrate happiness. I KNOW THAT. Been there, and done that. And I'm not proud of it. And I want to help other people from being where I have been. How does that work without getting crucified by your fellow brethren who are still struggling and still questioning? I have no problem with questioning. Or thinking. I do them too. But I do have a problem becoming casual in my beliefs about Jesus Christ, losing my focus on what I REALLY want, and how much my commitment to the faith I've been with all my life has wavered.

I was reading in James last night. Chapter one. The verse about prayer that inspired Joseph. But there's so much more there! First off he says count it as joy when you are tempted. We should revel in our struggles and trials and enjoy how identifying the way we do, or being "gay" --whatever the hell the word people use anymore is-- and that trials should help teach us patience. Then verse 5 we all know. If you aren't sure about your trial and it's purpose --if you lack wisdom-- get on your knees and pray about it! Ask God! But you can't just ask. This is key guys, K E Y. Something has to be understood here. In the next verse it says "nothing wavering." Nothing is a pretty inclusive word. You can't waver. You can't hesitate. You can't vacillate. Do you understand what that means? Well verse 8 is another testament to the importance of those two words: "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways" (James 1.8) Does this resonate with anyone? When you are unsure of yourself and your sexuality and your faith... well it just explodes until you aren't sure about ANYTHING. Doubt can destroy your testimony!

I'm not trying to overshadow or question or minimize the experience of questioning and struggling, because reconciliation does take time. But just realize that while it's happening, life will be hell (as it was for me). Also realize that as good as being open-minded and accepting moral grays and ambiguities is... you still have to put your foundation somewhere. (parable of sand vs. stone anyone?) Back to verse 6: "For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed" (James 1.6). The sea is constantly changing and shifting... doing that gets us nowhere!

Why do people not see what these verses are screaming? I almost want to take my bible and just physically beat everyone with it... that's how impassioned I am about this! But then I get called heartless, a bigot, and unaccepting.

So what can I do? How do I say it? These scriptures are teaching us that being a member of Christ's church --and being CONVERTED-- requires a complete, whole, unwavering commitment. This is ALL or NOTHING people! There IS no room for rationalization, justification, hoping against hope to get what you want. The gospel is one of sacrifice, people. The gospel requires you to get out of the damn boat (see previous post) and WALK. Not doubt. Remember that's what Peter did? He sunk.

[Expletive]...This is SO HARD FOR ME. But I know it's RIGHT! And that's why it's worth it to me! W O R T H I T!!! I'm going to fight for what I believe in, and I'm going to keep walking the open path. I have the courage. I have the faith. I have the strength.

The ridiculous part is SO DO ALL OF YOU!!! Are you not returned missionaries? (Or strongly wanting to go?) Are you not members of the Mormon faith? Well, where the hell is the evidence? Where is your conviction, your surety, your knowledge? That burning?!! If you're anything like me, when I "came out," I LOST IT. Well, start fighting to get it back! Because you can! You just have to shift your focus, take a new direction, and continue to strive with faith and sacrifice!

My commitment to God is that IMPORTANT!!! And I want yours to be also...but it seems when I open my mouth and try and scream (or write) these things I am blasted left and right for my hatred and lack of understanding.

Am I doing this in the wrong spirit? The wrong attitude? Am I being too forceful? Then why do I feel the spirit when I think and say these things? What's so wrong with me and my devotion that I lose all of you? I have no [curse word] idea what to do or how to proceed...

But I'm sticking to my testimony, first and foremost. Because I recognize that this is a COMMITMENT. And one that I can't go back on, or rethink, or doubt about. All or nothing.

There is no lukewarm. Just like there is no "try."

W A R

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?

~William Yeats, The Second Coming

I have much to say, but don't really know how to vocalize the pit and ache in my knotted stomach. I'm doing so good. My commitment to God is stronger than it has been in so long. That's not the problem. It's the polarizing and dividing among the ranks of the Moho world.

Once again lines are being drawn. People are reaching for weapons. Except this time I'm not crying in the middle for peace. I've picked a side. I don't regret it. I don't think it's a mistake. But does it have to be like this? O, dear God!!! Why is this happening?

I've already mentioned these qualms in previous posts. This gospel is a gospel of work. Of sacrifice. Of faith. Many Mohos say they want families. I KNOW I DO. But then I feel like all they do is sit around and have pity parties with each other about how hard this is and how bad it sucks. Yes, this is difficult! Yes, it can be painful! But it doesn't have to cripple your spirituality!!! God doesn't hand out spouses to heterosexual people, much less to people who aren't overtly attracted to them. But if I stick to my guns - I WANT A FAMILY - then I can frame myself with the mindset that God will provide the way. I will have the faith that he will guide me to success. That's difficult for some people to wrap their heads around. But seriously. If you want a family, then you NEED to be actively working toward that. You need to be out there, meeting people, dating girls, and strengthening yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the rough road ahead. Just look at the example of the Older MoHos. Their blogs are rife with struggle, pain, turmoil, and growth. NO ONE EVER SAID GETTING WHAT YOU WANT MOST WOULD BE EASY. I'm not saying that either.

I 1000% recognize and understand who and how I am. I am attracted to men. I desire intense physical intimacy with them. But I have CHOSEN to adopt the same mindset many Mormon men face with the addiction of pornography. I can WANT to look at porn, and CHOOSE not to. So I stand. I can WANT to be with a man -and recognizing that- move to what REALLY matters to me -that's my eternal progression and having a family. I can CHOOSE to pursue heterosexual relationships while not ignoring my homosexual tendencies.

People ask me how this is possible, and I've had my own qualms too with regard to the future. How would such a relationship work? What about the past? The secrets? A friend of mine almost lost his girlfriend when it came out that he had had problems with pornography. I sat there and balked. If Mormon women won't stay with someone who has looked at porn, where in God's name does that leave me with the kind and amount of egregious errors I've made? Dwelling on that would suffocate me. I would drown. I would die. I would beginning looking for a gun again. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

If you insist on focusing on the "ifs" the "hows" and the logistics of the future you fail--utterly fail--to understand your today. It's all about letting go of the rope you would use to hang yourself. Just let go. Screw it. I don't care. I'll deal with that when it's in my face and there's no more getting around it. Until then? I'm going to actively date and have FUN getting to know girls. That's all there is to it. I'm just going to jump in with both feet. Peter didn't walk on water by putting one foot in a little bit to test the water, sit there and think about it, mull over the consequences, the fears, etc etc. If you want to do something to CHANGE who you are, and to STRENGTHEN your testimony, GET OUT OF THE DAMN BOAT.

People are also becoming offended because Therapevo Ydata and I have begun spiritually putting our feet down. We are destroying doubt with the word. "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharped than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit..." (Heb 4.12). The word of God and our testimonies are coming to bear against people. The problem is not specific actions people are doing, or specific instances of sin. It's the overall decaying of TRUTH. People are eschewing "right" and "wrong" for gray and ambiguity. While that's great, you still have to come to a decision eventually. You have to decide WHAT you are going to believe in. That took me a long time to figure out. But no matter what I did, what I hope for, what I tried, I always ended up back in the same place. The gospel of Jesus Christ. People continue to question, to doubt, to rationalize, and to justify, and they want to have it both ways. My dad told me a very long time ago, when we spent our first time alone and had our first real conversation in maybe my whole life about who I am, that that wasn't possible. I didn't believe him then. I vowed to be the first. I will bridge the gap I told myself. But you can't. It's just not possible. The prophets say one thing, and those living active gay lifestyles say another. And we are stuck in the middle bombarded with hate, prejudice, and misunderstanding. God loves us. He understands us. People are holding out for a revolution in the church, for doctrinal changes. As much as I wish to stand up with you and hold a sign of hope, it's NOT going to happen. Are you reading your bible? This isn't a matter of prejudice with blacks and the priesthood where the brethren have to come out and say, 'oh we made a mistake.' It's scripture recorded in the Bible. The Church's stance can continue to soften as it has with things like "God loveth his Children," but it will not change. This is problematic to people who feel ZERO attraction to women. I am not God, or a prophet, and I do not have an answer for you. But I will love you, and stand with you, and hold you in pain and suffering as you grow to be more our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Now to my second issue. I am deeply, deeply, bothered that this seems to be turning us against ourselves. I'm not okay with that. That's where the sick and twisted knot of stomach is emanating from. Mohos talk of themselves as "part of the family" and yet now our family seems to be falling apart because some of us wish to eschew evil in all forms --including casual ones.

My only plea would be to say, please don't let this to amount to war. More than I ever have before, I am 1000% against war. It's horrific. I've been studying WWI and poets like Isaac Rosenburg, Rupert Brooke, Siegfried Sassoon, and Wilfred Owen. It's awful. Nietzsche is not far off in his claim that "God is dead." We have killed him! We have taken technology, learned, improved, and then KILLED with it. We have become our own Gods. I'm very much not okay with that. When England was set for war, the "boys" were sent out with pomp and circumstance and they were celebrated and glorified. Then the realities of war became all too starkly clear.

"Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime...
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud..."

~Wilfred Owen, Dulce Et Decorum Est

War is disgusting. There is NOTHING to celebrate. England stood at the beginning of WWI as the imperial superpower. The one to be reckoned with. Then London got the hell bombed out of it. Well I look at the now. At the here. At 2007. I see the USA getting pissed at China for creating a missile capable of destroying a satellite from the ground and not telling them about it. I see the UN making a resolution to have space be neutral and peaceful to avoid another arms race, and the USA being the ONLY country on the entire damn planet voting against such peaceful resolutions. I have a PROBLEM with that. When I look at Britain going into WWI, all I see is the United States of America in 5 years. We are a generation unfamiliar with war. But can't you see it's coming? Time is winding down and we are going to be called upon to rise and fight for our country. I'm not okay with that.

Just as I am NOT okay with the impending war I seem brewing in MoHodom. WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO PEACE? Doesn't anybody try and live by Jesus' teachings anymore? God, I'm scared...

For everyone...

"God rocks even more than my Mom does" ~From my Journal

I bore my testimony in church today. I was shaking the entire time and I bawled. People were really moved by my sincerity. Tons of people thanked me afterwards and gave me hugs.

I was really, really nervous and for good reason. I started out saying that and then added, "I'm nervous because it's been almost two years since I've been at a pulpit. That's because I haven't really had anything to say. But I do now..."

I talked about the blessing my uncle gave which I realized mid-week last week set off this entire spiral back into faith and God and the gospel. It really was him. He came down for Conference and then came to visit me at work and he asked if he could give me a blessing, and then when he put his hands on my head he blessed me to know. To find the answers I've been searching for. I don't remember one single other thing he said, though the blessing was at least like 2 or 3 minutes.

Anyway, today was really good for that reason. And then I heard this song today and loved it:

Have you been here before?
Do you know the road I'm walking?
Have you been out here
When that cold north wind blows?
Can you promise me I'm gonna get to where I'm going?
I'll trust you now like I've trusted You before

But if I lose my way will You come find me?
If I forget who I am will You remind me?
It's a long, long road
And I'm not gonna make it on my own

Every time I try to make it through without You
If I lose my way, I stumble and I fall
Will You be my strength through the valley and the shadow?
Will You be there to answer when I call?

But if I lose my way will You come find me?
If I forget who I am will You remind me?
It's a long, long road
And I'm not gonna make it on my own

I've known dark nights
But there were stars
I've seen stormy days
But the sun was never far away
I've known loneliness and pain
But I've felt the peace of heaven
And the love of Your embrace

And if I lose my way
You will come find me
If I forget who I am
You will remind me
It's a long, long road
And I don't have to make it on my own.
And if we lose our way
He will come find us
If we forget who we are
He will remind us
It's a long, long road
And we don't have to make it on our own

But if I lose my way will You come find me?
If I forget who I am will You remind me?
It's a long, long road
And I'm not gonna make it on my own

~"If I lose my way" by Jericho Road.

I really love God and I love my church and I love who I am.

But more than anything, I think I love actually being happy. That's still really new for me, but so far, I love it. A whole whole lot.

QOTD

K, seriously? I laughed for five minutes.
I almost died because I couldn't breathe.


"If homosexuality is a disease, I'm totally calling in gay to work tomorrow."

-icefirephantom (my fave person on the internet right now)

I suffer you

In the dictionary the word suffer has a number of different meanings, including: feeling pain or distress; to undergo or endure; to tolerate, bear, or allow. Another meaning is as a plea, like when you suffer someone to do something. Almost everyone associates dealing with being attracted to men and being mormon as something inextricably linked to suffering. Pain, hurt, struggle, growth. Suffering.

Today I learned a new way to use the word suffer, rendered all the more striking when juxtaposed with the original meanings presented:

"Forasmuch then as Christ hath suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind: for he that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin" (1 Peter 4.1)

Fascinating. He that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin. I'm not a math person by any means, I'm a writer. But math can be used here (surprisingly) to gain additional insight into the use of the word suffering in this scripture.

has suffered in the flesh
has ceased from sin

Has appears in both and is construable as "like terms"; therefore they can be replaced with an equal sign. With a little regrouping, we attain: suffered in the flesh = ceased from sin. The equation can be simplified even further to say:

SUFFER = CEASE SIN

The double entendre here is riveting and aporetic. Are you a sufferer?

I have a new favorite scripture.