Alone

Drex and Salad are married and busy with each other.

Gimple moved and went on vacation.

Gwen told me she's not coming back. Neither is Stephen.

Julia was keeping me from company, but gave up on work and went back to Cali.

Allie moved far to the east, so I never see her.

Trev and Tiger got married and moved to Virginia.

Everyone left me here to bleed alone.

I have 3 new roommates. They suck. They don't wash their dishes ever, they mooch my stuff, and they have continuous B.O.

No one in my ward gives a damn about me either. As noted, I'm on the fringe with church. Has the Elder's Quorum president come over? My home teacher? Anyone? HELL NO. They don't give a DAMN about people who don't really go to church. Chalk up another reason I hate this damn state. The church is so fake. No one really cares.

Am I worth any tears?

I haven't talked to my mom for almost 2 months now. I miss her... but don't know how to fix what's started anymore...

Why can't I have one person in my life who cares about me like I care about other people? Does anyone even think about me anymore? I just want to be worth it to someone once...

Damn being alone.

Mormons Suck Sometimes

I guess I'm in the mood to blog... *sigh*

I went to Church on Sunday. It was the first time in three weeks. I even went to all three hours, which was a first in months. I was quickly reminded why I go on the fringe only.

I almost walked out of Elder's Quorum but instead just sat there and waited with AGONY for them to be done. The lesson was on Eternal Marriage and its importance. Can't we talk about anything else in this fucking church? PLEASE??

Blah, blah, blah, Marriage takes work, its hard, its important, you need to prepare, etc etc. I've heard all that shit before. Doesn't make it any easier for me. I know what I'm getting into. Except oh wait, I like men and so my job is 1000x harder than everyone else.

My bishop even helped out too. He was sitting right behind me. He saw me focusing intently on my Sudoku puzzle doing my best to ignore everything behind said outwardly while it cut me to the core inwardly. In a brilliant maneuver of tact (as he is renowned for) he raised his hand, and said, "Mr. Person teaching the lesson, can you talk about those for whom marriage may be difficult? Can you speak to those who may no longer have any hope of getting married?"

Bastard. Why didn't he just raise his hand and say, "Can you please speak to Hidden's inability to like women and attempt to make him feel better (even though he'll just end up wanting to stab his eyes out with a fork and throw them at you) knowing that somehow in the next life this will all supposedly just resolve itself?"

I love that when I actually do go to church it just makes me want to go even less. I think I'm starting to hate my church alot... and I already called my Bishop a bastard so it's clear where I stand on that one.

I want my testimony back. I want to believe again. Can I have hope and faith yet? Damn waiting until April. Nothing works in my life the way it should. I think its funny that people adamate that they are not broken... I AM. That's pretty much the only thing I DO know these days. I'm broken and I hate it.

The End

Breakdown...

I'm still reeling from my immense sense of disconnect. My profound sense of unplaceable disconcertion.

I'm not sure I can even tell who I am anymore.

I've become a ghost of a shell...everything else is dead and buried.

I've been doing so well... keeping myself busy.

Class and work and being involved have kept me driven. DRIVEN I tell you, so that I didn't have time to dwell, to think, to try.

To breathe. Or to be.

Now I find myself slave to the space between semesters. I have no routine. No schedule. Nothing to bury myself in to keep from living...

"What hurts more than just dying is living barely alive. After all it's easier than falling short every time." ~The Classic Crime, The Fight

I think I'm breaking down... and I don't know what to do. Other than push it away and keep trying to maintain my broken self.

A close friend I recently came out wrote me a letter about how she hurts for me because I won't face this... she doesn't know anything... I have faced this. Head-on for many months. And then the pain became too great and I started making rash decisions that I regret and I got so confused and messed up and unsure that I almost died. Really died.

So I started running. And I've never looked back. Sometimes you cope by avoiding because you're not able to handle what it is you're running from. And that's okay, right? You can run for a while until you get a better handle on things and then come back for a second try...

Only I don't understand what's happening to me now... during the in-between... running shouldn't hurt... so why do I hurt? And want to cry?

I hate blogging I think. But maybe I hate me and my life more?

That's all.

Song of Myself

A couple of [weeks] and I'm a silhouette,
My halo is broken now
And I'm all that's left.

I hate to disappoint
but it's the way things went,
I was blind to the things I did

And deaf to what was said...
Tie up these loose ends
cuz voices are calling...
...me out.

I've got the solution
You can feed me to something
That is leaving this town.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

A couple of tears
And I'm a broken mess
The sadness has taken me

Too deep in regret
So sing me a song
About something good

My heart's on the threshing floor
And I've done every single thing
I could

I used to believe in some kind of feeling
That could change everything
I thought I knew

But that door is closing
My heart feels like it's frozen
If you hear me

I can't feel you.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
(can be brought to life)
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

I've got the coldest heart...
I've got the coldest heart...
I've got the coldest...

...heart.
~The Classic Crime

Gurgle...

I don't want to write this.

I feel like Atp. I want to blog, I want to... I just don't.

I know exactly what my next ten posts would be and say. It's all planned and drawn up, it just needs typed...

And then I choke. I balk.

I can't do it. I have a PRIVATE blog with only close INVITED readers... and yet I can't do this.

I can't hack blogging.

The risks outweigh the benefits for me, and I'm scared to reveal myself in such a way. It's just too real for me. Too personal.

I'm on disconnect.

I'm plodding along toward April. Is it here yet dammit?

I just want to graduate... that's ALL that matters to me.

I feel sick to my stomach and disjointed today. One of those days where you are so disconnected from yourself that it affects even your 'pretending to be okay' functionality.

I want to cry, but don't remember how and it never helps anyway. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have no direction, no hope. And when you don't have hope, life isn't a very fun experience.

I look at my future. I've been building it for ages. And yet, it scares the shit out of me.

I watched Pilot Candidate all the way through... and realized I'd never seen the final eppys. It was amazing. Zero races toward the future and his dream of becoming a pilot. In the last episode the story really opens up and becomes break-neck, edge-of-your-seat interesting...

...and then it ends. It just stops. There's no more.

I'm left wanting more. And there is none. Is that what's going to happen to my life?

The future is bright... since when did I become scared of the light? Is it because I am made of darkness? What the hell is real anymore? What the hell is right?

I'm just tired of feeling lost... and not knowing... anything.

I don't think I have anything else to say right now.