07 December 2008
I cried tonight.
I have no idea why. All of a sudden, I was just...crying.
It's so heavy sometimes. It pushes down on you. Yes, you can escape, you can lessen the impact - focus on other things, but it's always there. Aching silently.
I'm totally depressed tonight and I have no idea why.
Maybe I'm hurting for others.
Maybe I'm hurting for myself.
Maybe I'm lonely.
Maybe I'm tired of not knowing what's happening next.
Maybe I'm sick of no longer having a job that was supposed to be stable, and wondering when the power is going to get shut off as the snow keeps piling up.
Maybe I'm done with waiting for paychecks that I never see, and unsure why I'm still here, but without direction in where I am needed, what I should be doing if my place is no longer here.
Maybe I'm worn out from trying to reconcile two things that fit together only if you don't pay attention to the details, and choose to ignore the inconsistencies, the problems, the forfeits, and the cancellations.
Maybe I just needed to cry.