28 December 2008

HELL

It's happening. Same as always. Breakdown, sick feeling, system shutdown, I just want to not be here anymore. I hate this place and it's pretty damn good at hating me back...

There is one small difference. I've come to a realization. A weight has been lifted. 

It's NOT MY FAULT. I'm not the broken one here. It's everyone else. My parents are fighting. In my 25 years of life I don't remember them ever fighting. But they haven't spoken to each other in 3 days. I fail to comprehend how this is possible. You sleep in the SAME BED for God sakes. How can you sleep with hatred boiling against the one next to you? Whatever happened to the counsel of never going to bed angry at your spouse? There doesn't seem to be an end in sight either. It's disconcerting, heartwrenching, and HELL. I love my family because they are a base, a support system for me when I am in trouble. But I look at them now and see only broken pieces. They are broken.

My little brother is annoying. He and my older sister are constantly fighting. And when they aren't my 2 sisters are fighting or he's bickering with my little brother. And my younger sister is amazing at bitching about everything. Sometimes my brothers even fight. It grates on my nerves like cheese. 

Today my mom came to me and yelled at/confronted me about a christmas ornament that fell off the tree 3 days ago (my fault). Now it got broken somehow (NOT my fault) and she's blaming it on me. She came outside where I was working a puzzle to avoid interacting with the people who can't do anything without squabbling and just about threw it at me. She did raise her voice and she did call me stupid to my face for not picking it back up because I have no "common sense." Her comments were mean, uncalled for, and they sent me into complete shutdown mode, which OTR witnessed because I was talking to her on the phone when my mom appeared out of nowhere in cyclone anger mode which she has been in since midway through Christmas day. The shutdown was unwanted, but also unconscious...it just happens. I was quite pleased with how I conducted myself. I didn't get mad, I didn't raise my voice back, and I remained civil, though I maybe shouldn't have quipped, "So you're going to hate me forever now also?" to which she did not respond.

Realizing that it's not me, and that it's them, has raised a lot of questions. Do I even love my family? When they act inappropriately toward me and speak to me in demeaning ways, is that somewhere I even want to profess love? Should I withdraw from them completely? Are they even worth investing my love in? The familial bond is strong and makes me want to, but now I'm doubting. My mom has vowed based on the drama explosion that was Christmas that she will NEVER get over what happened, and for the last three days I have watched hate, rage, and anger bubble in her heart and soul and pretty much consume her. I know for a FACT that she is using anger as a shield against the pain that she feels, but she has really just been a beast since Christmas. Originally, the morning after she got mad I tried to reach her in her pain, but was rebuffed and pushed away. At one point I asked casually if she was going to get a divorce...and she wouldn't answer. When she almost broke down bawling, I tried to give her a hug and be supportive and she yelled at me to just "leave her alone." I want to help, but now that she's turning her anger on me I'm shutting down (I don't do rejection, let alone being demeaned) and I don't know what to do. I do so much to help others, I love unconditionally, but this? OTR says it's because I'm strong. Well I am but still, no offense, God really sucks sometimes. My parents? I'm supposed to come between the two who are supposed to be one and patch and fix and mend and heal? Why the hell is this MY calling? No one else gives a damn enough to even try, but honestly...this could actually break me.

My lil bro has an apartment this year and he cut out yesterday when it all got to be too much for him to handle. He's offered to let me escape there, which is becoming more and more appealing the more consumed my mother is, but I don't want to abandon my other siblings.

I don't know what to do. Other than cry, and try to stop feeling sick. Not my fault, not my fault. Was it any of the other years? Or is it trying to function in a broken environment that cripples me everytime? 

9 days... God that's too long.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

From someone who is really having a hard time tonight, hang in there. Life is hard. Get used to it. People are human, but people still love us even though they say really stupid things to us sometimes. Hell, I say a lot of stupid things.

Like one time I said "F*cking bishop". I was the only one who heard me say it, but I still said it.

I have no idea why I just shared that with you. I'm tired and pissed off and tired of people telling me that I am evil. If I read the right stuff and pray hard enough, I will find out that the prophet is right about prop 8. Yeah, when pigs fly, when hell freezes over, [insert another similar impossible statement here].

I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but God really does love us. At least he allows us to have company when we are going through hell. Everything is more fun when you have someone to do it with you!

Thanks for letting me rant. You don't need to approve this message if you don't want to. It won't hurt my feelings one bit.

I will pray for you (and for me). We will make it somehow!

Brittany said...

I got a blessing a while ago from my bishop. He said that even when our the things in my life had made me angry or even hate God that God understood those feelings and never stopped loving me.

my mom was all freaking out in the car about my dad today and how either god doesnt love her because he told her to marry him or she was just delusional and god doesnt exist.

I think one of the crappiest things in this crappy life is not being able to do anything to help someone you love.

You were there for me when no one else was and aproximately 67.945% of the small amount of sanity i have regained lately is thanks to you. ^^