30 June 2015

Cry

I tried for years to make myself a place in the Mormon church after I came out. And I failed. And so I gave up.

It was either that or take my life.

It's crazy to me how far away I can claim to be from all this now and yet how absolutely debilitating it still is for me. I watched this clip today and just bawled. It still hurts so much. I just collapse and can't breathe and I cry. And there's no one here to hold me. No one.

Even after severing all ties, closing all doors, and walking as far away as I could get, it STILL hurts me. I wish there were a way to abandon it completely. I wish.



The new letter meant to be read from the pulpit, reminiscent of Proposition 8, on either July 5th or July 12th in response to the Supreme Court Ruling for Marriage Equality takes me back to my pain and suffering. Takes me back to sitting in Sacrament in California in 2008. Takes me back to talks given at Conference that made me wish for a gun.

I don't know what else to do to help. To make people listen. To stop the pain and hurt.

So I'll just cry instead and hope that helps somehow.

9 comments:

Duck said...

I am truly sorry for your sorrow of being alone. Sometimes when I fight so hard to rid my life of something, it only seems to hurt me more. When I get finding other things to occupy my thinking, that which I had fought so hard to forget kind of takes care of itself, but it takes time. I hope you can find the solace and peace you seek.

You mentioned a letter to be read in church on Sunday... Where might I find a copy of that letter? Thank you.

Sending love and good energy your way. Duck

Duck said...

P.s. I know it is not just being alone that makes you sad. It is how you feel you have been treated by the church and its members. My original comment did not make it very clear that I understood. Sorry I didn't make more sense.

Hidden said...

Hi Duck - Thanks for your comments. The full text of the letter is here: http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/lds/lds-first-presidency-letter-on-same-sex-marriage/pdf_1dcd5df3-225b-56ef-bf4e-b746db7d605c.html

Mike Smith said...

I too am so not looking forward to Sunday, but hey you could make a drinking game of it:
http://janariess.religionnews.com/2015/06/30/the-progressive-mormons-survival-guide-to-this-sundays-testimony-meeting/

Mike Smith said...

I too am so not looking forward to Sunday, but hey you could make a drinking game of it:
http://janariess.religionnews.com/2015/06/30/the-progressive-mormons-survival-guide-to-this-sundays-testimony-meeting/

Hidden said...

Thanks Mike, but I don't drink. So that one won't really work for me.

Justin said...

Lol, a drinking game out of it ...

Feeling your pain. It's a tough and very frustrating time. Maybe someday they'll look back and see how pointless and harmful it all was ...

And hopefully we will continue to be able to move on.

David said...

Out to family, vigorously Mormon, a guy, NOT in UTAH, fusion occurring with "the Letter's" promotion of love language...but to love is complex and to work, I've discovered that sometimes I need to forgive and refocus to see what efforts others are making...even if it's tiny ones. Thanks for this post.

Hidden said...

@Justin: Yeah, it has been, and continues to be, painful. Hopefully we'll find a way past that. I'm not holding my breath for anyone coming to their senses though. I wish it were easier to move on, but it's not like dropping a class or not turning up for a sport... it's a way of life, heritage, community, family, friends, everything.
@David: Thanks for the comment. I'd be interested to know more of your story. Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk.