28 September 2009


The fight has gone out of me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out my stupid, complicated life. And I'm sick of people judging me, assuming they can speak for me, tell me how to live, and what the hell I need to be doing with my life to be happy. Especially when they are people I love, care about, and trust, who in turn react negatively, presume to speak for me, and then tell me that I'm going to be miserable. They are right, they know-all, and they can speak for me and mine.

I could be pissed, I could be upset, I could be angry, I could come out fists flying to stand up for myself, make myself heard, and try to be understood.

But I'm too tired. I'm too beaten. I don't have the strength left to stand up and fight with you. Fine. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell me that I'll be calling you in 10 years when I'm wrong. Scream at me. Yell at me. Beat me into the ground.

At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.

In a week where everything falls apart and goes wrong, like getting wine dumped all over a very expensive outfit and having it effectively ruined; attempting to do a friend a favor and inadvertently cracking his windshield; getting belittled and berated by someone I really respected and looked up to for my apparent choices that (even though they are mormon and I'm heading in a very mormon direction) are going to make me miserable because let's remember that I'm gay and that should be more important than my faith in all regards; and having my civil suit (after 9 months) dropped out from under me without a second thought; when I am to the point where I feel the only other thing that can happen to me to make it any worse is getting run over AGAIN by a car (maybe this time I could die?)...

I will still find the strength to kneel down at the end of the day and Bless and Thank God for my trials, especially the ones that break and burn me. That's inside me, and I don't know how I do it, but it's there and it's me.

I want to give up, and I want to quit, and I want to get a gun... but in the end, I simply kneel down and thank God for destroying me. Again. So I can start picking up the pieces once more.

I'm so tired.


A.J. said...

I am sorry things are so bad for you right now. It might not seem that way right now but things will get better. It can't rain all the time. Hug- A.J.

Rob said...

Wow. Worrisome, yet cryptic. I don't know what to say. Is there someone close by you can talk to, real time, face to face, and just let all this out?

darkdrearywilderness said...

Hey I hope you weren't offended by what I texted you last night...

Scott said...

At risk of being considered one of those who's telling you how to live and how to be happy (if I wasn't already)...

At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.

This is how it should be, with a caveat.

I've discovered that most of the decisions I've made that have been contrary to the recommendations of friends and family have been the correct ones, and those that haven't have still been some of the best learning experiences in my life. So I wholeheartedly endorse the idea of making your own choices without allowing others to dissuade you from what you know is the right choice for you.

But... (there's always a but, isn't there?)

I've also learned that what I know is the right choice for me sometimes changes based on the input and advice of those who care about me, and so I've come to treasure their contributions and recognize the love that motivates them, even when I choose in the end to completely disregard them and go my own way.

I'm sorry that it seems that some of the people close to you have so vehemently pressed their views on you that they've ended up pushing you away. Try to remember that they love you. If they didn't care at all they wouldn't care what choice you made. It's only because they believe that a certain choice will have a painful outcome, and because they love you enough that they don't want to see you in pain, that they are so adamant in expressing their views.

At the end of it all, their views come from their experiences and beliefs, and your experiences and beliefs and situation differs, and ultimately only you can decide what is right.


Over the Rainbow said...

I wish G-d had only needed one Job in the world. So that you wouldn't have to be another Job, all over again.

I love you, always, no matter what choices you make (unless they involve you and a gun!) And I am amazed by you and proud of you- and you don't have to do anything for me to feel that way.

Hidden said...

@A.J.: Thanks. I hate rain. :)
@Alan: I'm god at cryptic. Only ones who beat me regularly are O-mo and Chedner. And yes, I have people, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
@DDW: No you're fine. I know you were kidding.
@Scott: No, you are/were definitely not included in the list. You have gone about your misgivings tactfully and with great concern. The ones I'm referring to here simply yell and scream and then cut me out of their lives, leaving behind the knives they plunged into my ribs in the process.
@OTR: <3

Sarah said...

I will pray for you to find peace in conference this weekend. I treasure memories of your texting me through the last conference. Maybe we can do that again?

Love ya.

Bravone said...

Love you and hope things start going your way. If not, head back up for a mini vacation :)