25 August 2009


Aporia. Self. Simultaneously one and the other. Self. Constituting a third term in binary opposition without leaving room for a solution. Self. The splitting open and deconstruction of systems of thought... Self.

Scott recently blogged about the "T/F" package deal of Mormonism, something I had to efface from my thoughts and mind in order to come to terms with myself as something other than an evil entity before the eyes of God.

But now what? Now where? What does an aporetic being do when he himself is broken down and torn into pieces by the very systems of thought he challenges and breaks down around him?

What do I do now that I've come to terms with me, and my path, and find that I systematically obliterated all restriction so that literally ANYTHING is possible?

How do you know which way to project yourself in the vast emptiness that is space when there is nothing around you to propel off of? I feel like I'm swimming, but there's no water. There's no land. There's nothing.

Just... nothing.

The options are there, the paths are known, but I am supposed to take the one that will make me happy... what if that's all of them? Any? None?

There is so much weighing down on me right now. I'm so heavy. So, so heavy. How do I ever hope to make this decision? The choice that trumps all other choice? The one that decides which path I walk? I've been here before.

Damn. The most frustrating thing is to see myself having progressed SO FAR, only to realize that it all comes back to the same place. To the same choice. To the same fight. Why doesn't this struggle ever end?

In a world of pure gray where black and white no longer matter, how do you choose a right? THE right? How should I know what to do? Spiritual confirmation is necessary some have told me... but where do you find that when you don't even really know how to pray? When you don't know what to believe in? I feel like I need to just give up and start over. Start at the very beginning. Dismantle my faith completely, set fire to it, and then start from the ground up. But how does that help me make the decision I am facing?

I was sure. Almost. I was getting there. And then I said something that made me realize otherwise. And now I don't know what to say. Who to counsel with. You want a neutral source, one without bias, but we all have our experiences and they all color us one shade or another in this world of pale gray light. So I'm quiet. And afraid. And I talk in circles, except for those who are so close they have ears to hear... and I don't spit what I'm thinking or feeling. I just stir. And think. And mull. And wonder. Can I? Can I do this?

I have always walked alone. I want to end that, but I'm not sure if when it really, really comes down to it that I actually know how. In a moment, a thought, a conviction, it's easy to go along and say "Yes," but as time flows and the cold snap breaks into the shards of progression, does my answer remain the same? I know how to be social, to get along, to be chummy, but people don't get close. Not THIS close. This is an anomaly, a difference, a chance.

But do I take it? Is it worth it? Is this what I want? Can I hack this path that has never been walked before? Will I be happy?

I doubt, and I drown, and I lament. I was walking on water... .

Now I'm floating. In an abyss of nothing. How will I ever decide? I need more time, but it's growing short because the window of opportunity is shrinking, the heart is closing, and I am still wondering.

Without True and without False, how do I decide Right for Me and Wrong for Me?

I'm content in a lot of areas of my life to not have answers, but I cannot proceed with the answer here. I MUST have it. I MUST know. I MUST decide.

I MUST escape this void and reclaim my aporetic self. It just helps to express my dismay in the meantime. :) Especially since I can't see a foreseeable end, solution, answer, or otherwise. The Void is very dark. Guess that makes it wrong in a T/F world. Hey, it's a start, right?

1 comment:

El Genio said...

Sometimes life requires us to take a step (or leap) into the unknown. It can be terrifying, but it can lead to amazing things. Of course, it can also lead to disaster, but life is all about making mistakes and then overcoming them.