20 October 2007

Changes Good

I know, it's been a while. I know, I never said everything I wanted to say. I know, I know, I know. But there are other things I know. And I think I need to write about them so you know too.

General Conference was pretty much amazing. I went to 4 of the 5 sessions in SLC, and watched the other one at my house. This was the first time since coming home from my mission that I didn't completely hate myself and the church after it was done. It was...kinda hopeful actually.

And then it started. My paradigm shift. I'm still confused, and still wary, but I'm going for it. Gimple has been a strong influence and I'm so so grateful for his example.

I just really felt after conference and having discussions with close straight friends that I needed to move in a new direction. And that direction isn't as "new" as it seems. It's back toward the church. Not that I've been moving away from it, but I haven't really been doing much to be a Mormon.

I'm okay with my shift. And my friends remarked immediately that I seemed different. God forbid... but I seemed... happier. And I like that. I feel like I've always known this was the path. Drex has been a close unwavering example of that for a long time but I was too much of a dumbass to see that. I know what's right. The scary thing is that I may always have known what's right. But acknowledging that you know is difficult. It brings with it explicit responsibility. And so I balk, and say, but it's almost easier to doubt and say you don't know... because then you don't have to do anything. It's all about faith. And having the COURAGE TO HAVE THAT FAITH.

Gimple is prolly gonna post on this too, (sorry if I steal any thunder) but the MoHo community is becoming way too casual. Way too casual. I felt really uncomfortable at the last "get-together" Salad and Drex hosted. It was just way too cuddly for me. I'm not really looking for that anymore. So I've pulled away from most of those people, and I'm okay with that. I really like where Gimple is going and I want to follow him. He is amazing, and an example, and an inspiration. Many mohos out there are struggling right now. Really struggling. And that's because they are afraid. Afraid to have the faith that God is still with them and will help them. What are they doing? Just hanging out with other Mohos. Cuddling. Hooking up. That doesn't spell "gospel" to me. This may sound slightly hypocritical because I used to be there, being that casual, but I've learned...and I'm growing again...away from those situations.

I'm starting to unbury my testimony. The gospel is right, and I KNOW THAT. AND SO DO YOU. Now... I just wish that knowing hadn't come at such high a price. It hurts inside, you know? But it's good. It's all good hurt.

I started praying again. I hadn't prayed in months. I'm reading my scriptures. I'm actually feeling the spirit again. And I'm CHOOSING to believe that not only is God good, but that he will fulfill his promises. He will lead me, he will guide me, and that there IS A WAY to make it.

And that way is through FAITH.

I realized that my mission was so so so amazing because God knew what was coming next. He knew that it was going to destroy me and make me question more than I ever have before, and so he gave me a special mission with tons of success and witnesses of truth. I just wish I had seen that sooner. He did it so that it could be an anchor to me in these hard times. I also figured out why some of my straight friends are in my life... and that's for their testimonies. They are pillars of gospel strength. I need people like that right now.

In a recent convo, my friend said, "Hidden, wow. This... you realize this could be one of the most important decisions you ever make?" I do. That's intimidating. But it's true. This could be one of those crux points that changes everything else I do and am.

I'm still okay with that. And changing. FAITH.

I'm starting to see a girl... and I think I like her. So I'm kind of redefining my sexuality all over again right now. It's been pretty interesting, but I'm in a good place.

And I like that.

2 comments:

Therapevo Ydata said...

I am so glad that you and I are starting to move down the same path! It makes me really happy that there are others that are realizing there is a better life out there! You are amazing and I love you!

drex said...

I'm glad you brought up your concerns with the sleepover. First of all, my comfort level doesn't extend to cuddling with random people, but I know that others' do. Secondly, I know where I felt like things were a bit too much, but it's difficult for me to know where to draw the line for others at things like that. We've heard enough complaints about it that the next time won't be quite so touchy-feely by design. Plus we're going to oust people that do things we find offensive.

I'm glad you're having a 'better' (read: different) time of some things. (: