This post is dedicated to anyone struggling in a relationship.
I will confess to loving this song so much that it's currently ranked #1 on my itunes. 247 plays since January. I think that's an average of at least once a day, but I don't do math, so I dunno. :) Cheers.
My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
But it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it is never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over
~It's Not Over, Secondhand Serenade
26 August 2009
25 August 2009
Consolation
At least the Void has good music :P This post is dedicated to MYSELF.
I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is
My one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is
Something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You
-Be My Escape, Relient K
I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is
My one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is
Something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You
-Be My Escape, Relient K
Void
Aporia. Self. Simultaneously one and the other. Self. Constituting a third term in binary opposition without leaving room for a solution. Self. The splitting open and deconstruction of systems of thought... Self.
Scott recently blogged about the "T/F" package deal of Mormonism, something I had to efface from my thoughts and mind in order to come to terms with myself as something other than an evil entity before the eyes of God.
But now what? Now where? What does an aporetic being do when he himself is broken down and torn into pieces by the very systems of thought he challenges and breaks down around him?
What do I do now that I've come to terms with me, and my path, and find that I systematically obliterated all restriction so that literally ANYTHING is possible?
How do you know which way to project yourself in the vast emptiness that is space when there is nothing around you to propel off of? I feel like I'm swimming, but there's no water. There's no land. There's nothing.
Just... nothing.
The options are there, the paths are known, but I am supposed to take the one that will make me happy... what if that's all of them? Any? None?
There is so much weighing down on me right now. I'm so heavy. So, so heavy. How do I ever hope to make this decision? The choice that trumps all other choice? The one that decides which path I walk? I've been here before.
Damn. The most frustrating thing is to see myself having progressed SO FAR, only to realize that it all comes back to the same place. To the same choice. To the same fight. Why doesn't this struggle ever end?
In a world of pure gray where black and white no longer matter, how do you choose a right? THE right? How should I know what to do? Spiritual confirmation is necessary some have told me... but where do you find that when you don't even really know how to pray? When you don't know what to believe in? I feel like I need to just give up and start over. Start at the very beginning. Dismantle my faith completely, set fire to it, and then start from the ground up. But how does that help me make the decision I am facing?
I was sure. Almost. I was getting there. And then I said something that made me realize otherwise. And now I don't know what to say. Who to counsel with. You want a neutral source, one without bias, but we all have our experiences and they all color us one shade or another in this world of pale gray light. So I'm quiet. And afraid. And I talk in circles, except for those who are so close they have ears to hear... and I don't spit what I'm thinking or feeling. I just stir. And think. And mull. And wonder. Can I? Can I do this?
I have always walked alone. I want to end that, but I'm not sure if when it really, really comes down to it that I actually know how. In a moment, a thought, a conviction, it's easy to go along and say "Yes," but as time flows and the cold snap breaks into the shards of progression, does my answer remain the same? I know how to be social, to get along, to be chummy, but people don't get close. Not THIS close. This is an anomaly, a difference, a chance.
But do I take it? Is it worth it? Is this what I want? Can I hack this path that has never been walked before? Will I be happy?
I doubt, and I drown, and I lament. I was walking on water... .
Now I'm floating. In an abyss of nothing. How will I ever decide? I need more time, but it's growing short because the window of opportunity is shrinking, the heart is closing, and I am still wondering.
Without True and without False, how do I decide Right for Me and Wrong for Me?
I'm content in a lot of areas of my life to not have answers, but I cannot proceed with the answer here. I MUST have it. I MUST know. I MUST decide.
I MUST escape this void and reclaim my aporetic self. It just helps to express my dismay in the meantime. :) Especially since I can't see a foreseeable end, solution, answer, or otherwise. The Void is very dark. Guess that makes it wrong in a T/F world. Hey, it's a start, right?
Scott recently blogged about the "T/F" package deal of Mormonism, something I had to efface from my thoughts and mind in order to come to terms with myself as something other than an evil entity before the eyes of God.
But now what? Now where? What does an aporetic being do when he himself is broken down and torn into pieces by the very systems of thought he challenges and breaks down around him?
What do I do now that I've come to terms with me, and my path, and find that I systematically obliterated all restriction so that literally ANYTHING is possible?
How do you know which way to project yourself in the vast emptiness that is space when there is nothing around you to propel off of? I feel like I'm swimming, but there's no water. There's no land. There's nothing.
Just... nothing.
The options are there, the paths are known, but I am supposed to take the one that will make me happy... what if that's all of them? Any? None?
There is so much weighing down on me right now. I'm so heavy. So, so heavy. How do I ever hope to make this decision? The choice that trumps all other choice? The one that decides which path I walk? I've been here before.
Damn. The most frustrating thing is to see myself having progressed SO FAR, only to realize that it all comes back to the same place. To the same choice. To the same fight. Why doesn't this struggle ever end?
In a world of pure gray where black and white no longer matter, how do you choose a right? THE right? How should I know what to do? Spiritual confirmation is necessary some have told me... but where do you find that when you don't even really know how to pray? When you don't know what to believe in? I feel like I need to just give up and start over. Start at the very beginning. Dismantle my faith completely, set fire to it, and then start from the ground up. But how does that help me make the decision I am facing?
I was sure. Almost. I was getting there. And then I said something that made me realize otherwise. And now I don't know what to say. Who to counsel with. You want a neutral source, one without bias, but we all have our experiences and they all color us one shade or another in this world of pale gray light. So I'm quiet. And afraid. And I talk in circles, except for those who are so close they have ears to hear... and I don't spit what I'm thinking or feeling. I just stir. And think. And mull. And wonder. Can I? Can I do this?
I have always walked alone. I want to end that, but I'm not sure if when it really, really comes down to it that I actually know how. In a moment, a thought, a conviction, it's easy to go along and say "Yes," but as time flows and the cold snap breaks into the shards of progression, does my answer remain the same? I know how to be social, to get along, to be chummy, but people don't get close. Not THIS close. This is an anomaly, a difference, a chance.
But do I take it? Is it worth it? Is this what I want? Can I hack this path that has never been walked before? Will I be happy?
I doubt, and I drown, and I lament. I was walking on water... .
Now I'm floating. In an abyss of nothing. How will I ever decide? I need more time, but it's growing short because the window of opportunity is shrinking, the heart is closing, and I am still wondering.
Without True and without False, how do I decide Right for Me and Wrong for Me?
I'm content in a lot of areas of my life to not have answers, but I cannot proceed with the answer here. I MUST have it. I MUST know. I MUST decide.
I MUST escape this void and reclaim my aporetic self. It just helps to express my dismay in the meantime. :) Especially since I can't see a foreseeable end, solution, answer, or otherwise. The Void is very dark. Guess that makes it wrong in a T/F world. Hey, it's a start, right?
23 August 2009
Holding On
This post is dedicated to Chris.
I thought the future held
A perfect place for us
That together we would learn to be
the best that we could be
In my naivety I ran
I fell and lost my way
Somehow I always end up falling over me
And one day
I woke to find
The future had no place
For me
I was unwanted in a world
That with my hands I helped build
Where once was honesty and pride
I now stand broken and alone
Just a shadow
Of what I was meant to be
They say that "Time will heal"
"The truth shall set us free"
Well that depends
On what it is
that you choose to believe
In this prison made of lies
We see what it is we want to see
And find comfort in this
Broken hall of dreams
Does anybody feel
the way I do?
Is there anybody out there?
Are you hearing me?
If I believe in you
Will you believe in me?
Or am I alone
in this hall of dreams?
I believe in you
You believe in me
But I have no trust
In anything
Somehow I'm always
always falling over me
Somehow I'm always
I'm always falling over me
~Holding On - VNV Nation
I thought the future held
A perfect place for us
That together we would learn to be
the best that we could be
In my naivety I ran
I fell and lost my way
Somehow I always end up falling over me
And one day
I woke to find
The future had no place
For me
I was unwanted in a world
That with my hands I helped build
Where once was honesty and pride
I now stand broken and alone
Just a shadow
Of what I was meant to be
They say that "Time will heal"
"The truth shall set us free"
Well that depends
On what it is
that you choose to believe
In this prison made of lies
We see what it is we want to see
And find comfort in this
Broken hall of dreams
Does anybody feel
the way I do?
Is there anybody out there?
Are you hearing me?
If I believe in you
Will you believe in me?
Or am I alone
in this hall of dreams?
I believe in you
You believe in me
But I have no trust
In anything
Somehow I'm always
always falling over me
Somehow I'm always
I'm always falling over me
~Holding On - VNV Nation
Sing
This post is dedicated to Beck and Bravone.
We sing the same song, you and I
With lead feet in deep water,
We cry out to live or die
Instead we're treading waves to stay alive
Our heads above the grave
But there's no one to save us this time
So I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again, oh
My life's a painting I've done blind
With each brush stroke you'll watch me
Blur every solid line
Over this canvas I have stood
With no one left beside me
No one to decide if it's good
So I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again
Again, again, again, again, again, yeah
I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again
Again, again, again, again, again, again
~Sing - The Classic Crime
We sing the same song, you and I
With lead feet in deep water,
We cry out to live or die
Instead we're treading waves to stay alive
Our heads above the grave
But there's no one to save us this time
So I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again, oh
My life's a painting I've done blind
With each brush stroke you'll watch me
Blur every solid line
Over this canvas I have stood
With no one left beside me
No one to decide if it's good
So I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again
Again, again, again, again, again, yeah
I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again
Again, again, again, again, again, again
~Sing - The Classic Crime
18 August 2009
My followers keep increasing, and I'm not even posting anything. LOL So I prolly ought to start again.
[insert section where I come up with inane, fundamentally flawed, drippy list of reasons I have not been blogging] Yeah, no. I don't feel like it today.
However, I will share one, for the sake of sharing. The biggest and best reason I haven't been blogging is that I'm happy (outwardly and generally).
I really am having an amazing summer.
Traveling, spending time with those I care about, and really just being myself. There are downs, rough spots, and times I think too much, but life should never be a glass-like lake with no ripples or movement.
My main source of pain right now is for those who feel trapped in less-than-desirable circumstances, or cannot wholly be themselves. I wish I had answers for how to help these people, but I really don't. I'm not Gandhi or Mohammed.
Beyond outward appearances and general happiness, there's what's really going on deep inside of me that I don't give my full attention everyday because it would kill me. I'm happiest when I'm not worrying about me and my life. LOL Aren't we all though? Like a new food rolled on my tongue so I can form an opinion, I'm mentally debating some very, very weighty and tough decisions. I've not blogged them because, to be frank, open, and completely transparent; I'm worried of the response I will get. My skin isn't as thick as I like to pretend it is, and despite the affront I offer, I do care what people think of me. I'll openly admit my hatred for judgment.
If I can work up the courage, maybe I'll let you into the abscesses of my heart and mind and just come clean with everything that I'm feeling and thinking right now...
All I have is words
To which I`m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll
Save me
But I'm lost
I'm so lost
These pages will burn
And I'll pass away
Yesterday's gone
And I just can't shake
The fact that I'm lost
I'm so lost
-The Classic Crime, Far From Home
[insert section where I come up with inane, fundamentally flawed, drippy list of reasons I have not been blogging] Yeah, no. I don't feel like it today.
However, I will share one, for the sake of sharing. The biggest and best reason I haven't been blogging is that I'm happy (outwardly and generally).
I really am having an amazing summer.
Traveling, spending time with those I care about, and really just being myself. There are downs, rough spots, and times I think too much, but life should never be a glass-like lake with no ripples or movement.
My main source of pain right now is for those who feel trapped in less-than-desirable circumstances, or cannot wholly be themselves. I wish I had answers for how to help these people, but I really don't. I'm not Gandhi or Mohammed.
Beyond outward appearances and general happiness, there's what's really going on deep inside of me that I don't give my full attention everyday because it would kill me. I'm happiest when I'm not worrying about me and my life. LOL Aren't we all though? Like a new food rolled on my tongue so I can form an opinion, I'm mentally debating some very, very weighty and tough decisions. I've not blogged them because, to be frank, open, and completely transparent; I'm worried of the response I will get. My skin isn't as thick as I like to pretend it is, and despite the affront I offer, I do care what people think of me. I'll openly admit my hatred for judgment.
If I can work up the courage, maybe I'll let you into the abscesses of my heart and mind and just come clean with everything that I'm feeling and thinking right now...
All I have is words
To which I`m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll
Save me
But I'm lost
I'm so lost
These pages will burn
And I'll pass away
Yesterday's gone
And I just can't shake
The fact that I'm lost
I'm so lost
-The Classic Crime, Far From Home
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