14 April 2009

Self-same Silence

I'm not blogging, not because I don't want to.

Because I can't.

I'm fiercely in denial, in order to hold together the fractured pieces of my world. The other day I knocked a lid off one of my mom's kitchen decorations - a glass strawberry - and it shattered into pieces. My little sister taped it back together with scotch tape. Pathetic, and not entirely the same (there are still chips and tiny fragments missing), but it's there. This is me in every sense.

Only I'm effacing the reality, because I don't want to breakdown and start drowning again. Yes, I'm ready to hack blogging now - that's a difference; but I'm still flailing wildly against the quicksand of despair and screaming desperately as I try to prop up the crumbling citadels of hope and faith.

Lying is so much easier. It's pain-free, care-free, and un-stressful.

I need to talk about Conference. How wholly unhelpful it was. How hurtful it was. How much it brings to the surface everything I'm trying to force back under the water with all my might in the hopes that it will finally run out of air and just DIE.

But it never will.

It fights, and kicks back, and I'm just not strong enough to beat the Goliath; even if I am David.

My old Bishop -friend and more- called me last night, and I spoke to him of it. For the first time. My facade dissipated and I became real for a brief, choking moment. As the Assistant Director of the counseling department of BYU, he talks to people like me all the time. And he told me that he's having the SAME conversation with others. The SAME one.

But... I'm not ready to talk about that. Not yet. But it's coming soon.

Like a child growing inside of me, except it's fully aware; kicking, and tearing at my insides, until it finally rips its way outside of me. It's only a matter of time before that happens, and my guts and blood, and dripping soul will slather the pages of this blog for your prying, wondering, hopeful... pitying eyes to read.


Sarah said...

So, if this Bishop friend of yours is hearing the same conversation from many, then what does he suggest? I am very interested in his view point on all of this.

And conference was not a total wash--there were a few great messages, you have to admit. :)

I really appreciated your texts during conference. It meant a lot to me and made it feel like you are close by (rather than across the country).

Hang in there! <3

Anonymous said...

You have my number. Text me if you need to vent! I hope you can post about Conference when you're ready. I want to hear what you though! Feel better soon and know we miss you!

drakames said...

Hope today has been a better day. I understand the weight of being down and frustrated. If there's anything I can do to help, to listen, or anything, I'm here for you.

Over the Rainbow said...

What makes you so amazing and able to help so many others is that you are human- that your life sucks and that you keep breathing. You are perfect because you are imperfect- you are so much like Christ because of all you suffer.

Scotch tape looks ridiculous- I'm good with pieces.

It's ok if you breakdown, you don't have to drown this time. Your old bishop and your YSA teachers are not the only ones that are here to keep your head above the water (we just have to know you are swimming).

And pain sucks- just ask me about last year. But it is better than pretending-

Nothing to lose is a path you can choose
and it feels just right at the time
Then one day you awake with a fear you can't shake,
you're an actor forgetting your lines
You were a star when you started, so bright eyed and ready
but now you just can't seem to shine
Nothing to lose is a path that you choose
and it feels just right at the time

But can you still remember your very first kiss
or the future you hoped for when we were still kids?
Stay young, stay young

There are constants like gravity, heartbreak and shame,
you can never out-run them, they're part of your name
like lessons you learn from a past you can't change,
stay young, stay young
For a lifetime of paying dues and ruthless reviews,
yeah it's hard not to end up a cynic
when everyone's too scared to walk in your shoes
but can work up the nerve to be critics

No, don't lose you heart
Don't lose your soul
Don't give up control

It's the business end of a loaded gun,
facing tomorrows of black, useless lungs
with nothing but lies left on tips of our tongues,
stay young, stay young!
Oh can you still remember your very first kiss
or the future you hoped for when we were still kids
trying to keep up our innocence in this fucked up world?
Stay young, stay young, stay young...
Strata "stay young"