13 March 2009


I have alot to say... I just don't want to. 

I'm debating, toying, mulling on what to do with this blog. Should I make it public? Delete it? Continue on with the two active readers I've still got? Sigh.

I got hit by a car, and I'm sick of talking about it, so if you don't know, that's all you're gonna get. Sorry.

So now I'm back in Florida, at my parents. Reliving the summer of 06. Except this time I can't walk, so in some ways it's worse. I don't know. My parents took steps back then to accept and understand, but often, it still seems like nothing is different. 

One of the first nights I was here, I asked my dad if one of my uncles knew about me. When he got what I was talking about, he was like, "Oh, you mean your leaning." 

Excuse me? My Leaning? My inclination? The way that I have decided to move myself? I was so incredibly insulted by his comment. I couldn't believe after all that we've done that he would still say something like that. 

Since coming here Feb 13th, I've tried to get my parents to watch Prayers for Bobby with me, but with no luck. They just avoid. Put it off. Make an excuse. When I saw it with Scott, Sarah and D it was INCREDIBLE. I cried so hard that my stomach hurt after. Prayers for Bobby is just BEAUTIFUL. And I want my parents to see it. I want them to understand more. To understand better. To reopen the discussions that I die to have, and they avoid. 

And yet, as mad as I get at my dad... he does great stuff too. He built me a desk. He pulled me around the neighborhood in the little red wagon. He totally bought me an 8-pack of "contraband" soda pop I've been craving that my mom would never ever buy. 

The good and the hurtful mix together and I no longer know how to look at him. Do I give him credit? Do I hate him for being so hurtful? Do I just write him off as imperfect? But in which direction? 

It's just confusing, tiring, and still, even after all this time...painful.

No comments: