Attitude Problem

It's been forever and a year (not quite) since I put anything up here.

I've started journaling again, which is something I've needed. I can't remember a time when I was busier (although somehow I still feel like I get more sleep than I did as a missionary...) and I am ready for a break.

Graduation is close, and I am so excited.

That's what I want to say: I am well, and happy. And I like that.

I think that everything we get in life (whether born with or not) has to be funneled through our attitudes. Viktor E. Frankl was not dumb when he said that we always get to choose our attitudes, especially in suffering. The hand you get can be a blessing or a curse. Your Choice.

It has been a long and ofttimes debilitating struggle, but I'm going the "blessing" route now wholeheartedly. Knowing who I am, being okay with it, and embracing it...that has become what I use to empower myself to help other people.

I help people.
In small, but SIGNIFICANT ways.

And for me, that is enough.

An acquaintance mentioned the other day that I seem to be moralizing; that I'm condemning those who choose to live differently than myself. I initially spouted off about accepting everyone no matter what they do and how they choose to live...trying knee-jerk reactionarily to defend myself, but with greater thought I think my response was erroneous. I am moralizing. We choose what we are going to believe in, and that's a tough cookie to crumble for some people. Those who become disillusioned and walk away from the gospel into what they have chosen to believe is right cannot call themselves free of moralizing either. I realized that after thinking about this particular acquaintance's circumstances. He's not served a mission, doesn't want to, hates church, and often speaks out against the institution as close-minded, repressive, etc etc. Not very new arguments from people who are upset. That's moralizing too! He would probably balk if I threw that argument at him, but isn't it? You've just aligned your beliefs opposite mine, and every step I take toward my "right" and staying in a Church that is far more important to me than anything else is a step further into your "wrong" because of oppression, bigotry, and any other number of reasons.

Moral relativism is a dangerous game and one that I cannot walk indifferently. That knife edge cuts and cuts and I'm tired of bloody feet. I will look and live and that's the only thing I know how to do. I refuse to rationalize and justify. Gospel principles are gospel principles, and until/if they are changed with the proper authority and dissemination from the mouth of the Prophet I believe in, what I follow is ordained of God and I cannot rightfully place myself elsewhere. God doesn't believe in line-walkers, or fence-sitters. Make a decision and stick to it.

Hypocrisy is condemned more than anything else by the Lord, so I must be true to self and Church and follow that which I see before me as the lighted path--albeit rocky, thorny, hedged about, and difficult--back to my God.

People would argue me on this, attack me even, for my choice. For my solidity, my stability. I will NOT back down. My chips are down, and my weapon drawn, and I have chosen a side.

I'm not looking back.