Resonance

I... I can't stop watching.

I've watched this 25 times now. I just hit replay over and over and over. I haven't seen it yet and I've already cried. I want to see this more than anything else I've ever wanted to see. 

I just... 

"Accept me as I am or forget it."

"I won't have a gay son." 

"Then mom, you don't have a son."

"Fine."

...this is my story. 

And I want more than anything to see it. Is anyone in Utah DVRing this? Want to kidnap me for the weekend so I can watch it with you and cry?

BEING ME IS SO HARD.

Reflecting Pool

I'm at the airport. On my way home. 

My trip this year has to be voted better than years previous. 

I can confess that I had fun. I enjoyed myself. I didn't look at porn once (which I am particularly proud of, since all previous trips have included nightly self-destructive behaviors). I didn't keep my room very clean (which I'm NOT very proud of). I didn't think of committing suicide even once.

I got a tan.  :)

There were bumps and rough times, but overall it ended up being a decent stint. 

Knowing the uncertainty that I'm returning to, I actually spit last night that I'd rather stay in Florida with my family than go home. Which is... unthinkable. But true.

Half of me even wants to move home (but not live AT home)...

When I was on my way here, I professed the desire/need for something, anything to be different.

I'm chalking it up to the fact that I got out of the house this time. It was not all sitting, all waiting, all video games, all StarCraft (though we did that, but moderately, which I'm fine with). I played frisbee. I went geocaching. I went skateboarding. I went to the beach. I went to rock climbing. I played Sardines.

And now... back to uncertainty. Can I get a new job? Can I keep living where I am? If I can't, where do I go? What do I try next? Where should I apply? Everyone wants me. Everywhere. 

I have more to say. But I'm not ready yet.