Vacay

Sigh. I'm taking a break.

Much needed, methinks.

My best friend from High School is getting married this weekend, so I'm flying out - tomorrow - for a whole week of rest and relaxation. Time away. From everything.

Hopefully this will be good for me. :)

Keep Holding On

I've had so much on my mind the last few weeks... I know I haven't been diligent about blogging, and the little I have has been vague...

I don't have much to rectify that right now. I just wanted to say this. It's really, really hard being ripped in half every single moment of every day... and for two entirely different reasons. Agh.

Tonight I was watching GLEE as usual... and heard this song. And I cried.



You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side,
You know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

The whole time I could only think one thing: That I don't deserve her.

Apparently I'm going to say more than I intended. So much for vague...

I felt really grateful and really scuzzy at the same time. It brought to the surface all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my realizations about how awful I am. I'm not good enough for her, I don't treat her the way I should, and it's so easy for me to be cold and hateful to her. She's still here... why? Shouldn't she just leave and find someone better? Someone who's not a jerk? Someone who can LOVE HER?

And it makes me crazy because it simply stirs up everything I'm already feeling as I try and sort this out... do I love her? Can I love her the way she needs to be loved? People say yes, people say no, there's screaming... I've lost friends... now what?

Inside my heart I wrestle with myself...because I just don't know if *I* am good enough. And even if I am...how do I convince myself of this reality? I just don't believe in my heart. I don't...

...guess I'll just Keep Holding On.

...

I'm ready to wake up from this NIGHTMARE loosely defined as "life."