My followers keep increasing, and I'm not even posting anything. LOL So I prolly ought to start again.

[insert section where I come up with inane, fundamentally flawed, drippy list of reasons I have not been blogging] Yeah, no. I don't feel like it today.

However, I will share one, for the sake of sharing. The biggest and best reason I haven't been blogging is that I'm happy (outwardly and generally).

I really am having an amazing summer.

Traveling, spending time with those I care about, and really just being myself. There are downs, rough spots, and times I think too much, but life should never be a glass-like lake with no ripples or movement.

My main source of pain right now is for those who feel trapped in less-than-desirable circumstances, or cannot wholly be themselves. I wish I had answers for how to help these people, but I really don't. I'm not Gandhi or Mohammed.

Beyond outward appearances and general happiness, there's what's really going on deep inside of me that I don't give my full attention everyday because it would kill me. I'm happiest when I'm not worrying about me and my life. LOL Aren't we all though? Like a new food rolled on my tongue so I can form an opinion, I'm mentally debating some very, very weighty and tough decisions. I've not blogged them because, to be frank, open, and completely transparent; I'm worried of the response I will get. My skin isn't as thick as I like to pretend it is, and despite the affront I offer, I do care what people think of me. I'll openly admit my hatred for judgment.

If I can work up the courage, maybe I'll let you into the abscesses of my heart and mind and just come clean with everything that I'm feeling and thinking right now...

All I have is words
To which I`m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll
Save me
But I'm lost
I'm so lost

These pages will burn
And I'll pass away
Yesterday's gone
And I just can't shake
The fact that I'm lost
I'm so lost

-The Classic Crime, Far From Home

Far from Home ~ Closer than We Think

This is how I really feel...

FAR FROM HOME - Classic Crime's EP, pre-2nd album


I’ve got a bad
Taste in me
It’s like I’ve been robbed
Of something I once was
In my childhood memories

And it’s buried in sandboxes
Backyard where we used to see
That dreams could come true
If believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

I’ve got a bad
Pain in my heart
It’s like the first time
That I looked in your eyes
The first time
It all fall apart

And it’s buried in sandboxes
Backyard where we used to see
That dreams could come true
If believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

But now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll
Save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

Now
We are so
Far from home
Far from home

But now we are so
Far from home
Far from home
Far from home

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

Now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

Now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

CLOSER THAN WE THINK - Classic Crime's 2nd album


What's it gonna take for me
On my hands and knees
While all the poets fill pages of loose leaf
I feel cheap, and I feel empty
We will bathe in the sea of disbelief
But we will not go quickly.
No, we will not die so easily.

And I knew that this would happen
It always does
And I couldn't stop my reaction
So I let it come
I let it come

I still hold the belief
That we are free,
That we don't need the rules
To see
That despite what we've done
We're not alone
We're closer than we think to home

It didn't take me long to believe
That I could do anything,
Turn the songs up loud
So we can sing
I am true
And I am living
We will walk through the valley
Of the shadow
Of the boring
And burn it all
No, we will not go quietly

And I knew that this would happen
It always does
And I couldn't stop my reaction
So I let it come
I let it come

I still hold the belief
That we are free,
That we don't need the rules
To see
That despite what we've done
We're not alone
We're closer than we think to home

To home, to home
To home, to home
To home, to home
To home, to home

Across the water you call me
But I'm not listening
As I sink down
Water fills my lungs
As I begin to drown
I knew that this would...

I still hold the belief
That we are free,
That we don't need the rules
To see
That despite what we've done
We're not alone
We're closer than we think to home.

I Know The Feeling

I... I'm doing okay. I guess.

Here's my new favorite song...

I know it cuts you inside every time that you try
To take a pathway in life that leaves you so unobliged
Every promise is lies, every smile makes you cry
Leaves you so unalive, so unalive
I wish I could take the fall
Maybe by that I could solve
The problems we're all having
It's been a while since you've felt like you've been home
Your life's just flesh and bone

Your heart is worth more than you know
The one thing that hurts more than your life
Is to wake up one more time alone
It's to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

This time it's all that I've got
Words hit the page like gunshots
My stomach's left in a knot
My pride is left here to rot
It's been a while since I've felt this restless
By definition it's depressing but I'm alright
It kills to wake up one more time alone
It kills to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not
I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love


~The Classic Crime

Breakdown...

I'm still reeling from my immense sense of disconnect. My profound sense of unplaceable disconcertion.

I'm not sure I can even tell who I am anymore.

I've become a ghost of a shell...everything else is dead and buried.

I've been doing so well... keeping myself busy.

Class and work and being involved have kept me driven. DRIVEN I tell you, so that I didn't have time to dwell, to think, to try.

To breathe. Or to be.

Now I find myself slave to the space between semesters. I have no routine. No schedule. Nothing to bury myself in to keep from living...

"What hurts more than just dying is living barely alive. After all it's easier than falling short every time." ~The Classic Crime, The Fight

I think I'm breaking down... and I don't know what to do. Other than push it away and keep trying to maintain my broken self.

A close friend I recently came out wrote me a letter about how she hurts for me because I won't face this... she doesn't know anything... I have faced this. Head-on for many months. And then the pain became too great and I started making rash decisions that I regret and I got so confused and messed up and unsure that I almost died. Really died.

So I started running. And I've never looked back. Sometimes you cope by avoiding because you're not able to handle what it is you're running from. And that's okay, right? You can run for a while until you get a better handle on things and then come back for a second try...

Only I don't understand what's happening to me now... during the in-between... running shouldn't hurt... so why do I hurt? And want to cry?

I hate blogging I think. But maybe I hate me and my life more?

That's all.

Song of Myself

A couple of [weeks] and I'm a silhouette,
My halo is broken now
And I'm all that's left.

I hate to disappoint
but it's the way things went,
I was blind to the things I did

And deaf to what was said...
Tie up these loose ends
cuz voices are calling...
...me out.

I've got the solution
You can feed me to something
That is leaving this town.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

A couple of tears
And I'm a broken mess
The sadness has taken me

Too deep in regret
So sing me a song
About something good

My heart's on the threshing floor
And I've done every single thing
I could

I used to believe in some kind of feeling
That could change everything
I thought I knew

But that door is closing
My heart feels like it's frozen
If you hear me

I can't feel you.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
(can be brought to life)
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

I've got the coldest heart...
I've got the coldest heart...
I've got the coldest...

...heart.
~The Classic Crime