RAGE: unresolved turmoil - more Prop 8

I either want to die, or I want Prop 8 to die. Sometimes both.

I spent hours agonizing in August about this issue; even with my supposed decision, I read and read and read about people's lives and families being destroyed and I watch videos that make my skin crawl because of their blatant lies and political rhetoric, (which if the misinformed Mormons who are answering the "call" and filling my inbox with emails about voting "yes" would take a moment and read up on, they would understand my point...) and I balk and vacilate with indecision and questioning. Aporia bubbling under the surface of my confusing existence.

I love my church. I love my testimony. 34 million dollars. Political involvement by a strictly non-political entity rationalized away as "a moral issue." How do I stand? Where do I root myself? How, how, how? Why?

I am now party to the atrocious sin of hypocrisy. I say that I have decided -albeit grudgingly- with my testimonial roots that are important above all else and show me the way to walk...

and then I get another vote yes on 8 email. And I can sit no longer. I lash out. But in the other direction I just linked myself with... GAH. I hate everything.

Below is what I responded... to my ill-informed friend and everyone else in his address book. (Fair warning: Don't send political-based rants to me without BCC your address book. I am very adept at copy/paste and "reply all").

Note: This email was a conglomeration from all over. A post by Max Power. Carol Lynn Pearson's most recent newsletter (which is saved in my email and I'm not linking that...), tenets from mormonsformarriage.com, with my own ranting and raving thrown in...

I refuse to let this one go by unnoticed.

I sit here and watch this go on and on and do nothing. It boggles my mind that we as a church can recite the 13 Articles of Faith, but we don't seem to actually believe number 11: "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."Isn't this AofF about agency? About choosing? About the right inherent in it? You don't have to like gay marriage. You don't have to accept it as part of your beliefs. But you do have to respect the freedom of choice that God gave all his children in this life. I do not agree with gay marriage. I do not support gay marriage. But I refuse to support the restriction on man's free will and God-given right to CHOOSE. That just seems too much like Satan's idea of life to me.I am ASTOUNDED that our "politically-neutral" church is making such an effort to spread lies and hate among its people in order to garner support for this cause. It's just incredible. Half of the junk swirling around this issue is inherently false and if we as members took 30 minutes to do our homework we'd know that.

I appreciate the sense of duty and activism regarding this issue, but this is killing people we love and I cannot stand for that. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am active and faithful and hold a temple recommend. I know the church is true, and as much as I wish it wasn't sometimes so that this wouldn't be so hard, here I am. Do any of you even understand what it is like to have the same faith that is the source of joy and peace overwhelming you with anxiety and sorrow? No, I don't think so. I'm being asked to support a cause which will only compound those feelings among people who are gay. This type of rhetoric in my opinion further encourages hate and discrimination. The Church officially discourages these types of behaviors and I wholeheartedly agree with them, but something has to be said for the seemingly "green light" that has been given of late for homophobia and fear tactics.

Carol Lynn Pearson, a dear friend of mine (and also an active member of the church) recently wrote: "I received an email from a woman in Utah and, with her permission, share part of it here: 'I was intrigued by what you said about the California matter [constitutional amendment to insure against gay marriage] and bringing more love to the earth. I'm in agony over the suicide death two months ago of my youngest son, Marshall, age 25, a gay student who was a senior in chemical engineering at the U of U. He knew all about spreading love, but didn't feel enough in return to keep him going. Laws such as this one they are proposing give us a lot of room to evaluate our values. I put my son's statue of Buddha out in my flower box as a way to honor what he would have done.

"He always put statues out to watch over the flowers in the apartments he rented on the Avenues of Salt Lake City. On my refrigerator I have a package of flower seeds marked, in his writing: 5/1. That was the day he was going to plant them. He didn't make it that long, so I'll plant them for him--next spring. My two daughters and I will each plant some of his seeds and watch them bloom in Utah and Virginia.'"

That email broke my heart, as did the conversation I had recently with a woman who told me that a few years ago in her neighborhood in Bountiful, Utah, there were suicides of three LDS gay young men. And the conversation I had the other day with a woman in my own ward who told me her two gay nephews had both taken their lives. I am outraged that Marshall could not plant his flower seeds, outraged that his community did not offer to him the fertile soil he needed in which to grow and to bloom. And deeply saddened that so many other gay men and women have fallen and had no one to pick them up and carry them a ways, fallen from injuries we ourselves have inflicted upon them."

In a discussion with a friend I brought up the fact that this summer may be one of the hardest ever for Gay Mormon Californians, and she got upset because she does not agree with people blaming large institutions for causing the actions of others (ie, suicides). Her argument was that they still have their agency and they make the choice. What I find stunning is she did not feel that the Church going after the institution of gay marriage and placing blame there for the destruction of the family was the same thing. But if you think about it, it is. One group blaming another for the deterioration/impact on another. "Gay Marriage will destroy the traditional family! Prop 8 is a must-have to protect marriage between a man and a woman!" Yes indeed, we would not want to jeopardize the sanctity of Brittney Spear's 55-hour-just-for-fun wedding. I am astonished how selective and choosy Mormons seem to be on issues such as this. Have you even thought about what your support of this issue means? Have you considered the implications? Do we really want the government to be able to define what is and what isn't a morally justifiable lifestyle? The primary responsibility of government is to defend and protect our inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and the primary role of the Constitution is to limit what the government can or cannot do. Constitutions are not places to delineate what citizens can or cannot do. If two consenting adults wish to marry, do we really want to grant the government the power to prohibit them from doing so? Moral issues such as this are best discussed on a personal level, and not legislated by the government; if the government gets into the business of defining morality, what becomes of individual agency and responsibility. And who, exactly, will define what is moral and what is not?

Have you fulfilled the admonition in D&C 9:8?

# We are not to follow the prophets blindly:

* Elder Boyd K. Packer said, "We are following the admonition of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 'I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.' We should not, according to the scriptures, need to be commanded in all things." (See D&C 58:26.)

* "With all their inspiration and greatness, prophets are yet mortal men with imperfections common to mankind in general. They have their opinions and prejudices and are left to work out their own problems without inspiration in many instances." - Bruce R. McConkie

* "If Joseph Fielding Smith writes something which is out of harmony with the revelations, then every member of the Church is duty bound to reject it. If he writes that which is in perfect harmony with the revealed word of the Lord, then it should be accepted." - (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols., (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1954–56), 3:203–204 ISBN
0884940411)

* "The greatest fear I have is that the people of this Church will accept what we say as the will of the Lord without first praying about it and getting the witness within their own hearts that what we say is the word of the Lord." - Brigham Young

* "When churches or church leaders choose to enter the public sector to engage in debate on a matter of public policy, they should be admitted to the debate and they should expect to participate in it on the same basis as all other participants. In other words, if churches or church leaders choose to oppose or favor a particular piece of legislation, their opinions should be received on the same basis as the aopinions offered by other knowledgeable organizations or persons, and they should be considered on their merits. By the same token, churches and church leaders should expect the same broad latitude of discussion of their views that conventionally applies to everyone else's participation in public policy debates. A church can claim access to higher authority on moral questions, but its opinions on the application of those moral questions to specific legislation will inevitably be challenged by and measured against secular-based legislative or political judgments." Dallin H. Oaks, "Religious Values and Public Policy," Ensign, Oct 1992, 60 [1]

# We are to be champions of equal rights for all:

* Joseph Smith declared in a statement published in the June 1, 1842 issue of the Times and Seasons (vol. 3, no. 15, p. 808) that he and other members of the First Presidency were "friends of equal rights and privileges to all men."

* President John Taylor said, "When the people shall have torn to shreds the Constitution of the United States the Elders of Israel will be found holding it up to the nations of the earth and proclaiming liberty and equal rights to all men". (Journal of Discourses, 21:8)

* Hugh B. Brown of the First Presidency said in October 1963 General Conference, "We believe that all men are the children of the same God, and that it is a moral evil for any person or group of persons to deny any human being the right to gainful employment, to full educational opportunity, and to every privilege of citizenship….We call upon all men, everywhere, both within and outside the Church, to commit themselves to the establishment of full civil equality for all of God's children."

* On December 15, 1969, the First Presidency issued an official statement on civil rights. Latter-day Saints were told, "Each citizen must have equal opportunities and protections under the law with reference to civil rights."

Again, I do not agree with or support homosexual activity, but neither do I believe in the perpetuation of homophobia, or restricting the ability of other people to choose either. So where do I fall? Who do I support? This is a very, very difficult issue that makes my stomach twist in knots and my throat feel dry and I am unsure how to proceed. I just pray that the latter-day saint body will stop and THINK and listen and ponder before they act blindly in crushing so many people. It will touch all of us….sooner or later. If not in our own families, in our ward and stake families there are people grappling with this issue. Some have been cast out from homes - from parents, from siblings, from the very people who are supposed to love them the most, to deal with these issues on their own. We can be shepherds to these Children of God by showing an outpouring of love.

~Hidden

So now I don't know what to do. Or if I really stand where I say I stand. Or if I'm going to hell for being a hypocrite.

I just know that I hate prop 8. And I'm kind of glad that I don't live in California anymore, because then I might take a gun with me on November 4th and either shoot everyone else... or myself... and none of us want that...right?

STAGGERING: Aporia's Rebirth (Prop 8)

Disclaimer: THIS IS A *LONG* POST. Maybe the longest in the history of blogger. But it's long overdue, because it happened on August 24th. It's a post that will be incredible. And controversial. It's about Prop 8. And my testimony. Please plan some time and then actually READ this...it took me forever to write it after all :P

Honestly, I'm not even really sure how to start it – where to begin – by what manner I can hope to have this make enough sense for anyone to understand where I am and how I got here. A lot of it doesn’t even make sense to me. If I hadn’t just experienced it, I doubt I would believe it. But I did. And I do. Just like Joseph,

“I have actually [experienced this]; and who am I that I can withstand God or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually [lived]? For I had [experienced this]; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation” (JSH 1:25).

Which—before I even get into it—I should mention that word, “condemnation.” What I have just lived leaves me wondering how the hell I’ll ever get anyone else to understand it or see the way I see. I am bracing myself for the confusion, the recoil, and the controversy that will surely swirl around this assertion of myself and who I have decided to be, yet do not wholly know how much I can prepare myself for the backlash that will invariably wound me.

With my recent discontentment on Prop8, I resolved to speak to my uncle—not the uncle I was having problems with (that’s a different Cali uncle), but the one who’s helped me so much in the past. Surely if anyone would understand Prop 8, if anyone could help me know where to go and what to say to respond to my other uncle, if anyone would be able to assist me in communicating with my parents, it was to be this uncle. How right I was.

And how sorely, sorely wrong at the same time.

Interestingly, on this trip to visit him my uncle called me a few hours beforehand to tell me a family friend had called and wanted to take them out to dinner and he invited me along; to which I readily agreed. We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. The food was pretty good, but I wasn’t overly hungry since I’d eaten lunch out with Vi, and had breakfast out also.

Somehow Prop 8 came up. I cringed. Felt sick. Got quiet. Didn’t know what to do. The friend’s kids asked about it and the dad emphatically said, “The prophet said we need to support it. That’s all you need to worry about.” Really? Could it be that easy? That mindless? That unthinking? What about reason? The role of agency? Weighing? The opportunity to check your spiritual moorings? Shouldn’t this be just a bit more complicated than he was making it?

I sure thought so. I made that clear with an email opposing Prop 8 sent to people in OTR's ward when they said the same thing:

"I appreciate your sense of duty and activism regarding this issue, but as OTR pointed out, this is killing people we love and I cannot stand for that. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know it is true, and as much as I wish it wasn't sometimes so that this wouldn't be so hard, here I am. Do any of you even understand what it is like to have the same faith that is the source of joy and peace overwhelming you with anxiety and sorrow? No, I don't think so. I'm being asked to support a cause which will only compound those feelings among people who are gay. This type of rhetoric in my opinion further encourages hate and discrimination. I know the Church officially discourages these types of behaviors and I wholeheartedly agree with them, but something has to be said for how the members act and why they apparently feel that it is okay to treat others in the hateful and disrespecful ways that they sometimes do." (The full email is available upon request, but is way too long to include in full, especially with how long this post already is).

Dinner ended up being taxing on me, and not just because of Prop 8. That man, who I’m sure is loved and respected by my uncle seemed to me nothing more than a bad father and it was torture to watch him and listen to him interact with and mistreat his children. His son confessed that he’d seen the new Batman movie and he father demanded to know how. He evaded the question and his father asserted his authority, “Answer the question right now, son.” He confessed he’d seen the movie downloaded from the internet. His father replied, “That’s illegal. A sin.” I just listened, said nothing. They harped on their kids for their grades as well, because they weren’t doing well enough. Well, I wonder why not. The kid wasn’t even failing. He just didn’t have A’s.

When that bout of torture ended, another began. My uncle was sitting in the living room and I went down there and he said the time was mine, he had no plans. I asked could we go upstairs, since my 17-year old cousin was there; it wasn’t particularly something I wanted to discuss with her around. He agreed and we went upstairs. I felt nervous like anytime I have a serious, somewhat awkward conversation – how do you just ease into something like that?

So I asked him how he was and he chatted a minute to update me on his life. He took the bait, and asked me how I was. I spouted off about work, about OTR; pretty much everything being great. Oh yeah, except Church. The one place that’s supposed to uplift me, that’s supposed to help me, to heal me, makes me feel like hell. Mostly when they bring up Prop 8. I launched into my feelings on Prop 8, and all the Grassroots work going into it. I told my uncle that this was hurtful, even when/if it didn’t seem like it.

My uncle is incredible, and I hate when he asks questions, because I never have good answers for them. He started by talking about when he thinks. Oddly, the best time for him to think about things is apparently when he is plugged into his ipod and mowing the lawn. Anyway, he’d been thinking the other day about all he’s seen in the course of his life, and then recounted to me many of the things he’s been through in his life, including where he was the day blacks were authorized to receive the priesthood. One of the most significant events for him was the proclamation on the family, which will be celebrating its 13th year this September. Essentially Prop 8 revolves around the proclamation, and the declaration that marriage is between a man and a woman. My mom tried to say that Prop 8 was about defining marriage, I felt it was about restricting agency. My uncle said it was about the family. He then asked me why God created the family? He exists without beginning or end, has been around forever, and has progressed far beyond any of us. So why did he, in his infinite wisdom, in his eternal love, and in his omniscient understanding, create the family? I didn’t have a ready answer. There are many I think. To give kids an environment to grow and become stronger in, to learn to support someone else, and love them more than yourself, to be able to relate to and struggle with other people, the list goes on and on.

My uncle’s answer was Moses 1:39: “For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” This are clearly not the same thing, or they would not be listed together. Immortality = never ending. Eternal life doesn’t. It’s a kind of title. I’m not going to go into the whole proof here, but basically Eternal can be equated with God, so Eternal Life can be understood to mean a life like God’s. God’s life. Never ending life like God. Well how do you achieve that?

Lorenzo Snow felt he understood this achievement when he declared, “As man is, God once was; As God is, man may be” (See Q&A #2)

To achieve his design, his plan, his purpose, you have to have qualities like him. Do you really understand what that means? To be like him? We all understand physical differences between men and woman. But God made man and God made woman. Different designs. He has wisdom, knowledge...trust?

My uncle then likened this achievement to being a part of a grand institution which has prescribed requirements for belonging. IBM, apple, the LDS church, all prescribe ways of living and being to be in harmony with their designated policies. Everybody has to fit inside the box, whether its a group, an organization, or an entire society. My feelings were, I want to. I love my church. I want to fit, I want to be worthy, I want to be righteous, but HOW do I achieve that? How do I change what doesn’t fit to do so? This reminded me of Peculiar Mormon’s old blog entry:

"I had 'the talk' with Mom this morning before we went to the temple. I'm so sick of crying. I told her how I feel about life right now: that I'm walking on a knife-edge, and I'm damned if I fall either way."

"Right now/knife edge=living celibate...not getting in trouble...only problem is that I feel like I'm really walking the figurative knife...and my feet are cut so badly. I fall to the left, and I live the lifestyle. Maybe I'm damned for eternity for rejecting the gospel, and maybe I actually end up miserable in this life...but from the experience I've had in the past year, going towards that side is the only relief I've had from this blatant self-hatred. To my left is continuing to "fake it" but I won't "make it," I don't feel. If I keep on grinding myself against the wall that is the church, looking for some hole to squeeze through and find my salvation, I'm going to grind myself to paste before finding anything. And by grinding myself to paste, I mean killing myself.

"So it's spiritual death, or physical death...and we only live once. There's not point to living miserably...right? I suppose I could try to live "happy," but I never really know how over the guilt I'd entirely be able to get. That, and the eternal "what if's." Then what if I end up killing myself. I know, I know, cop out. Thing is, I'm scared of effecting more people negatively. I'm scared of the negative influence or affect that I have on anything. I don't want to damage anything else. It might sound like it's ridiculous, but you know how it's not considered murder if it's in war? Or how it's murder to shed "innocent blood?" I don't see myself as innocent blood. Sure my homosexuallity isn't something that I picked, but I feel like it's made me tarnished...impure and imperfectable. I'm hoping that when I do die, I'll be able to fall down at God's feet, and just cry, and hope that I'm enough...hope that I'll be able to be raised up, and hugged, and told "yes, you did well. You're enough, now take some rest. You've done enough." I guess I'm hoping there'll be some sort of grace for my huge faults. I can hope."

How do you walk that line and not be suicidal? How do you endure that much, for that long?

My uncle chalked this up to identity, that I didn’t know who I was. Needless to say, I was pretty offended by such an assertion. He’s been onboard with my journey for quite awhile, and you’d think that I know who I am. Since October, without looking back, I have moved steadily and actively forward – I love me, and I’m happy. I have no qualms. I know who I am, and I love it. Where is the conflict in that? Where is the identity confusion? He said he heard me saying I want more than anything to be in the church, but something prevents that, and he asked what. I wasn’t sure how to answer that either so I replied that it was my gayness, and he emphasized that he felt strongly I was trying to live in both worlds. I was a little taken aback with that too, especially since it reminded me so much of my dad.

Journal Excerpt August 21, 2006: “After reading my essay (my original thoughts on being gay, which was what CLP read and used for No More Goodbyes), I asked my dad what he thought. He said, ‘Well, I’m analyzing (which he wasn’t supposed to do), but it seems like you are trying to have one foot in both places, and that doesn’t work.’ Then he said, ‘But if I say anything else, I’ll be fixing, so I guess I can’t.’ That made me smile. It also struck me. Can someone explain to me that if my life is so completely based on achieving balance, why THIS is the one place I CAN NEVER HAVE IT?! That doesn’t make ANY sense to me! It makes me mad too! WHY NOT???” (vol VII.A, p. 2).

I was determined to prove my Father wrong. I would be the first. I would find balance where no one else had. I tried it, and it didn’t work. I’d thought I resolved it. But here it was again? The biggest and hardest thing for me at that moment was that it seemed my uncle was saying basically there really is NO place for gays in our church. Seriously. So much for love and understanding! I was pretty much flabbergasted at his response.

He then went back to Moses 1: 4-9. Here God tells Moses three things:
1. Moses is a Son of God.
2. As his son, Moses is in the similitude of Christ.
3. Christ is full of grace and truth.

In the Bible Dictionary under grace, it says:

“It is through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.” (BD, p. 697).

Likewise, in D&C 93:24, truth is defined as: “And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come” (p. 182). So understanding these pieces helps you see that you too have a work. What is it? "What is my work?" he asked. I responded, “I believe it’s to help other people. To help them learn and grow and understand and be strong. Change the world in little ways that make big differences.”

He went back to verse 7 in Moses: “And now, behold, this one thing I show unto thee, Moses, my son, for thou art in the world, and now I show it unto thee” (p. 2). Again. God told Moses who he was. Understanding this is VITAL. Who are you vs. who do you want to be? When are you going to make that choice? Take that step? Have that resolve?

My uncle brought up the covenants I made in the temple, asking me a question he’d asked previously: “Do they matter anymore? Do I still believe in them? I said I would be obedient, I would sacrifice, live the gospel, be chaste, and consecrate my time and talents. Am I honoring those covenants? Am I keeping my word? Being true to self?"

I was reeling at this point with the questioning of my identity and who I am. Temple. Promises. Self. Which self? What self? Who self? Do I know who I am? I thought I made a decision to move forward with the church last October. I resolved my identity and moved forward. Maybe not? AGH.

All that aside, what I needed most from him was counsel on how to approach my family. I told him about my other uncle and the family newsletter where his activism for Prop 8 was creeping in, and how I felt obligated to respond. But how did I go about that without throwing bullets?

He asked me do I determine what they think and do? No. Who does? They do. And myself? Who is responsible for what I think and do? Me, of course. Right. The responsibility lies within each of us. I can’t think their thoughts, can’t determine how they will react or think, or be.

He reasserted understanding Christ’s enabling power, that he can do anything and I just sat there baffled feeling like my uncle whom I trust and love was telling me to have more faith and believe more that Jesus could heal me and I could get over being gay. Was this conversation really happening?

He then said, “To get peace you have to get perspective.” I immediately thought, what perspective? Change it to what? Believing I’m not gay? That I have just been deceived/confused by Satan about who I am? That these feelings aren’t more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt? Incredible.

He quoted the scripture, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He told me to pray to know the answers, to know what to say, and to be ultimately responsible for it.

Throughout, my uncle brought up his recent girl’s camp experience where they’d done an iron rod exercise with the girls. They had to wear blindfolds and were told, “Don’t let go of the rod ever.” There was a part where the rod went down some stairs and people were positioned there to say, “Hey, there’s steps here. Just give me your hands for a second and I can help you down.” He was amazed at how many people let go to take the hands and the help...abandoning the rod. They had to take off their blindfolds, go meet with the bishop, and then he could reinstate them on the rod, but they didn’t get their blindfolds back. Those who stayed on kept going, and came to a point where their blindfolds came off as well. Ron’s commentary on this was that at the very end he could no longer tell who had let go and who hadn’t. God treats all fairly and equitably.

My uncle had been up since 4am and was pretty much falling asleep as the conversation went on, so he decided to leave it as it was, and give me time to think; we’d talk again tomorrow. I was left wondering, wanting, and feeling sicker than I had in a very, very long time. What had he just told me? Had he helped me? Why didn’t any of that make sense? I had no words, just a pit in my stomach... how did I begin to make sense of what I’d just heard? The only word I could come up with was staggering. I was staggering.

I had to get away from there. Now. I said I was going for a walk to think about things and called OTR to come get me. She came over and we drove away, deciding to drive the 50 minutes up to the Lick Observatory which we'd talked of doing, but had decided against.

I told her how I felt: Shaken, staggering, reeling, I had no words. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, how to respond. I was totally at a loss. I told her I thought I was ready to vote yes on Prop 8. I was also more ready to leave the church than ever before. I expected her to freak out about me changing my mind but she voiced that she’d received a prompting about 2 hours earlier telling her when I came back that’s what I’d be feeling. Interesting. She said neither of those made sense, but to me, yes they did. You cannot have both. There is no place for gays inside this church. Voting no on Prop 8 and being a Mormon don’t match up. There is dissidence there people are sweeping under the rug. There’s conflict there people are ignoring. And I couldn’t anymore.

The drive was frustrating beyond belief but I tried again and again to make sense of my conversation. OTR made a very poignant comment and everything clicked for me. I am amazed and flabbergasted that I could be here: “Voting no on prop 8 is easier.” What the f...yes. Yes, it is. It’s just like the people who take the prop at face value, and say, “Prophet said, that’s all I need.” Here, I am taking the stance that this is hurting my friends, it’s hurting me, so I’m voting no. And I breathed in sharply and deeply and couldn’t believe that I could ever be here. That I could ever act like this. That I could ever be so freaking strong. She also continually brought up the fact that when she feels like she did then, she wants to run out and do something bad; she wants to sin on purpose, but knows she never will.

I then likened my place to my decision in October to stay with the church. I know who I am, I’m not confused about my identity, I’m not lost in conflict; I know who I am, and I recognize my attraction for men, and I CHOOSE something different, because that’s how much my testimony matters and how much this church means to me. I fulfill the scripture: “[Obedience] is better than sacrifice” (Samuel 15:22) and I stomach the pain and heartache not having what I want brings, because I choose to want the gospel more. And so now on Prop 8. I realize that I want to vote no with all my heart. I want to oppose it, I want marriage equality, I don’t want anyone to be hurt ever by ignorance and misunderstanding and prejudice, and... I choose my church. Damn my faith. Damn my resolve. Damn my testimony! I never in a million years would have imagined being able to be in a place like this. I am ready to vote yes on prop 8 because the apostles have spoken, I have made covenants, I have reasoned, weighed, and now exercise my agency to show that I have an unshakable testimony that matters to me more than anything else I have. And I’m NOT okay with that! The knots tighten, my tension mounts, and I am drowning in my new understanding.

Staggering. In the other direction. Not only will I not let go of the rod, but now I fear that I may grip it so tightly I will break it. People aren’t supposed to understand like this, aren’t supposed to accept like this...dear God in Heaven, I understand but now in only a matter of moments I have taken a complete 180. I understand and I accept and I believe, but this positions me opposite everyone I love most: my friends and family who understood where I stood before. How in my mission to foster love and understanding do I ever explain this? How would anyone ever understand that faith can be THIS powerful? I’m ready to vomit, and I don’t know how the hell to even start to vocalize this to someone I now call friend who is gay. How to tell my brother who was behind me all the way that I’m now on the same side as my parents, that I don’t want to fight my uncle in California anymore. I want to vote no on prop 8 with every fiber of my being, just like I want to be able to no longer believe in the church that has given me everything... and just can’t. I can’t do it.

This to me is why people leave. This to me is why marriages end. This to me is why I am always alone. Because people’s faith doesn’t run as deep as mine – I didn’t even know faith like this was possible. People just aren’t meant to hack faith like this. They aren’t. It makes me want to stand up to every single person confronting homosexuality and say, run. Turn now, and just run. Get away from the church before your belief in it is so strong and so powerful and so uncanny it’s almost like being enslaved. To truth. What the hell is wrong with me...?

This is what I meant at the beginning: condemnation. The misunderstanding—in the other direction—begins here. To be criticized as a sell-out, a traitor, a turncoat. To hear that I have been brainwashed, that I have been deceived by sly Mormons. Just as in 3rd Nephi when the prophets could not write what it was like when Jesus spoke to them, I cannot in my finiteness begin to expound how I am feeling right now. I tried and tried and tried to OTR. She didn’t get it. Over and over and over she didn’t get it. How do you explain that you agree so wholeheartedly with her saying that voting no on prop 8 is easier that it has taken you to an entirely new and foreign plain of understanding and realization that she cannot hope to join you on because she has not walked your path, not been where you are, and has not formed spiritual moorings like yours? OTR started crying and lamenting feeling like she was left behind. I tacitly and tactfully tried to explain to her that she was being selfish. How dare her try and join me every step of my journey! That’s really how I saw it. She has not walked where and how I have. Yes, there are things she could share, but I have reached and done things she is just approaching in her own self journey. While she strives to love herself, I can join her, for I have walked that road. We go hand in hand and I help her every way I can, so that she feels safe and comfortable and able to continue forward. But when I, far beyond her, take another step into the darkness, and she tries to make an impossible leap to join me, I collapse to my knees.

She is not strong enough, she’s not ready, how do I make her see that she is trying to eschew her limits and attempt a feat that I do not believe she can achieve right now? I suddenly decided that I never should have involved her, never should have tried to bring her along with me, and I needed to leave her behind, which hurt her even more. Either way led to her getting hurt. If I tried to bring her with me into my new understanding and lean on her, I would break her. I know she struggles in her testimony with things like pre-mortal life, and especially life after death. Her testimony is not ready to handle such a beating. I lean on her, and I break her. So I have to leave her. I call this protecting her, but am I just being selfish in my own wickedly twisted right? I have discovered an incredible, baffling strength I never imagined in any right would come to bear as being part of myself, and I jealously don’t want her to share in it?

Language, words, explanation fail me. I am shattered, broken, everywhere. I put myself quickly and forcefully back together, understanding with never before achieved comprehension, but my finiteness prevents me from sharing that with anyone. I did not know I was ready, that this was possible, but it is and I am. I am so strong it’s magnificent and frightening. How do you come to a place where you are ready to oppose everything you moments ago stood for? Does this count as a type of transfiguration? Is that presumptuous? Lofty? Self-righteous? I don’t know any other words in our vocabulary that can reach what I am feeling.

The simple explanation is that my dad and now my uncle were right – there is NO PLACE for homosexuality in this church. This is absolutely confounding. It’s so simple to say and yet it is so so so infinitely more complicated than that! God designed the family and he made man and woman to fit together in perfect unity and harmony and I get that, and I’m willing to follow it, without even attempting to understand how the f**k I reconcile my attractions and actually DO it.. I don’t believe any more than I did yesterday that the way I feel is changeable or that this is a choice. But I wonder if my uncle and so many others continue to bombard with the simplest of messages because it contains locked within it the greatest, most complex, astounding understanding. *You are a child of God.* If you REALLY understand that – on a level where again, language, word, and explanation fall short, then that is the trump card. That is the card that overpowers, dominates, subsumes, extricates everything else. I am a son of God, and that’s the first thing God told Moses, and the last thing I fully capt. Somehow, some way I cannot give meaning to, really seeing how far that goes, how deep that is... it makes nothing else matter. My attractions, my inklings, my desires don’t matter when I understand my divinity. Again, I expect criticism, confusion, and maybe even outrage at my new place, my new position, my new (old?) self. Have I just pierced the veil by the tiniest fraction with my understanding? Or have I plummeted into a new depth or self-deceit disguised as sure truth?

How? How do you get others to see this? To understand this? To be able to ACCEPT this? I have taken a huge step, but I feel like to do it, so much just got left behind in the blink of an eye and now I don’t know how to recuperate that. What do I do to stop and pick up the people who just got hit with a wall of bricks and are now recoiling, crying, hurting...in many cases against me...when I just had their hands seconds earlier?

I have no answers, no hope, no iota of elucidative power.

I balk like Nephi of old: “And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Ne. 11:17)

“[I] don’t know everything, but [I] know enough.” (Neil L. Andersen, October 2008 General Conference, Saturday Morning Session)

That “enough” can be eternally frightening...but I do not worry about the future and the details. Only the now. And that I am strong. And continuing to move forward even though I may be more confused than I have ever been before.

I do not believe in easier. And it makes me want to cry. Really, really, really hard. Hold me.
~Hidden

Standing... for Everything

Beck's recent post and my comment moved me to put this up here. People are becoming increasingly torn up about Prop 8 and the damage it seems to be causing.

That said, it's also ripping my own family apart now, for which I have no answers... my uncle is one of the grassroot leaders in Southern California. Against me. How do you combat that? What do you say? How does any of this STRENGTHEN my family? So for all it's done is shred us. What can we do? How can we be heard? How can we, as Beck put it, circle our wagons?

I wrote this maybe two years ago... it's in bad need of editing, but I don't have time right now to do so. The basic message gets across though, so just take it for what it's worth:

Manifesto

In 1973, homosexuality was taken off the list of mental illnesses by the American Psychological Association. Since that time, there has been increasingly more acceptance, but prejudice has not ended. Is this not a goal we can achieve together?

There are among us individuals who would identify on neither side of the Mormon vs. homosexual debate, categorizing themselves as both Mormon and homosexual. They have been attacked for refusing to be openly gay, for refusing to be “authentic to themselves” by living the way they were made. Yet, on the same token, they have been attacked for not changing who they are, for not becoming straight and “normal.” Are not these individuals worthy of our love as much as any of God’s children? Standing on the underpinnings of Mormonism and homosexuality reflects a conscious decision: to understand who they are on all levels and to use that as a catalyst for living by belief anyway.

Have we sought to provide a place of peace for them on this road of difficulty? A house of healing? A haven where they can work out their suffering and reconciliation in the context of support? How can we call ourselves God-fearing Christians—those who lift up the weary hand and aid the sick and afflicted—when we are pushing our own away solely because they struggle differently? Where are the tender mercies of the Lord? Mormon homosexuals are lying abandoned at the roadside, beaten and dying, and we as priest and Levite are passing by without offering even a second glance. Where is the Good Samaritan to succor them, to show them the love of God no matter their circumstance? Their place is not easy, but that does not make it wrong.

It is time to begin working diligently to create the environment of understanding and acceptance they long for. Their unique position of dedication despite difficulty must be given a voice. They fight daily in the trenches of this struggle with no one to back them, no one to give them cover. Why have we not reinforced these soldiers on the frontlines of duty, integrity, and stalwart devotion to the gospel? How long will we continue to label as tendencies—to be shunned and divorced from within them—those very things they are struggling to find happiness with as part of who they are? What if they like who they are? What if they embrace their sexuality without acting upon it? Can we not aid them in this process? Must we define them as the sinners we love while shunning their sin? May we plead to know what sin? When they have done nothing but try the best they know how with what they’ve been given?

Identifying this way does not constitute an abandonment of principles and morals to become a sexual act. It does not imply a spurning of God, family, and culture. Neither does it mean denying a portion of who they are. How can we say they go about things the wrong way when they are human and need to be loved just like everyone else does? How can we work to unnerve their system of belief if it incorporates what we say is wrong? Why do they get placed with abominations before the eyes of God when they have done nothing but fight to figure out who they are? Since when has feeling and attraction become a justification for hatred and oppression of otherwise righteous individuals?

The general gay community strives to acknowledge everyone as a son or daughter of God loved by Him; we can do likewise. Mormons believe stolidly in being “willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and [being] willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18: 8-9). Why has initiative not been taken by Mormons to apply this principle to those who struggle with homosexuality?

Let us amend the errors of our ways and begin now to live this doctrine. It is time to stop fighting and to stand with our brothers and sisters who need our support. How many are even now suffering in silence without anyone to aid them? These are our brothers and sisters! Were not even the lepers taken in by Jesus? Did he not sit at table with publican and sinner and regard them in their plight? How can we ever attest like the Primary song that we are “Trying to be like Jesus” if we will not even stop to acknowledge those crying in the corners of the wilderness for a friend? For someone who will listen and at least try to understand their predicament? Even when their attractions do not harmonize with ours on all accounts, let us embrace them. If we do not begin to take the actions needed to remedy the neglect and prejudices incurred thus far, Mormon homosexuals will continue to be lost. They will leave the Mormon Church in search of other happiness, or in the extreme, commit suicide. To reconcile beliefs with feelings is difficult enough; we should not be compounding the issue of homosexuality by our lack of understanding. We need to back these individuals in carving out their unique path—a path that pairs them with the Atonement and their Savior—as they walk, crawl, and scrape their way back to
their God.

~Hidden

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is WRONG!

Funniest list maybe ever:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

I found this list here.
'Nuff said.
~Hidden

What everyone should know (Prop 8)

Amazing. Great. So needed. (Now why wasn't I a part in creating it? :P) No, I'm glad someone has done this. Someone has made this. Someone is speaking out.

I will spread the good news.

http://mormonsformarriage.com/

Everyone should know about this. Pass it on.

Change (and Prop 8)

Life has been great since graduation. No complaints. Which is part of why I haven't been blogging. I've pretty much moved on to other things. I should reconsider making this blog public now that I've graduated, I have a diploma, and I'm free from censoring myself.

The fear is over.

And it feels so good.

And then I move to Cali. And then Prop 8 happens. I've heard stories from Pinetree about what happened last time with Stuart Matis, as well as read In Quiet Desperation, (but who hasn't?)

And then Prop 8. Gah. I tell myself that it's over, that I don't care, that stuff like this doesn't determine anything about my testimony, but the ache is still there and I can't hide from it.

I don't remember when or where I heard about the letter coming from the First Presidency, but I knew it was coming. I knew it. I was still in Provo the day they were supposed to read it, and I went to Sacrament Meeting (I think) and our new Bishop didn't read it. Thank goodness. Which was surprising to me, since I was in P-town.

Anyway, the next week we were at OTR's single ward, and figured we were safe because it was the week before. Not so much. The counselor got up and said he failed to read something the week before. We couldn't believe it! As soon as he started reading and I knew it was what I thought it was, I walked out. Stood up and LEFT.

The ache and pain this causes is still surprising to me. I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm secure in my testimony, and I pray for the strength to follow and understand the counsel God's servants give to me... it's still just so freaking hard. Why? Why are they doing this?

I really like Max Power's email on Prop 8, and fully agree with him:
"It boggles my mind that we as a church can recite the 13 Articles of Faith, but we don't seem to actually believe number 11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

"You don't have to like gay marriage. You don't have to accept it as part of your beliefs. But you do have to respect the freedom of choice that God gave all his children in this life."

3 weeks later, last Sunday, we went to one of my favorite areas from my mission, and it was brought up! I couldn't believe it! Most of the time the Spanish branches are in their own little gospel world that isn't affected by any of the larger political stuff. Most of them can't even vote! The 1st counselor whom I've always respected stood up and showed off a paper they'd drawn up to assist the members by showing them specifically all the ways they could help Prop 8 be successful, whether a little or a lot.

I wanted to throw up. Our church is supposed to be POLITICALLY NEUTRAL and yet they continue to disregard that and do what they feel is in the interest of all of us. I really don't know how to respond to their restricting other's agency as acceptable and reasonable... I just don't.

I vowed that I would steal every last form as I sat there listening. Then, of course, I got swarmed by all the people happy to see me and I forgot. I remembered as we were driving away and pounded the steering wheel. Gah!

My hope resonates right now with the life of just one. Hopefully Californians with open minds and hearts will outnumber those of the Church and define for the rest of the United States that we all have unalienable rights, including the right to choose who we marry. This is not the destruction of the family. It's really not. I just wish the people who are freaking out about this and moving money and power into this proposition would see that.

That's all I have to say right now.

"I feel a little suicidal, just not high enough to jump." -Strata

Final papers suck.

And they are totally gayer than I am.

The end.

Hallelujah!

Things are well. Busy, but well. I'M ALMOST GRADUATED!!! *celebrates*

Good news is that my friend just called me from work (though she's not allowed to) and told me that she gets to walk in May, which her advisor told her last week she wouldn't let her do. But she has fought and fought, and refused to give up. She has kept writing her thesis, even after being denied, and now they have relented.

I love God! I love the gospel! I especially love awesome friends who support one another and help each other be strong.

My mantra for life: "A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation from the bricks other people have thrown at him." -David Brinkley.

Truth. *beckons* Bring it. Throw another brick my way. I need more to get me higher faster anyway. :P

To Grandma

My best friend's Grandma passed away this morning, and I know this will be an absolutely crushing blow for her. I'm scared where she will go next. This will either be the motivation she needs to get through the coming months, or the gaping maw that will devour her alive into new depths of depression. I wrote this for her, because to her I am a poet, even though I firmly argue against such things:

To Grandma
~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up this morning
and wanted to dance
Celebrate
Life, love, happiness
Bright, sunny, warm

I called [BF] to
invite her
wrap
her in the same arms
of love

When she answered
she sounded too awake
and then I knew

Grandma,
I don't know your name
but somehow that's okay
because we share a common bond
Love of a girl
Bright, sunny, warm

Like the sun
Shall we dance?
Stretch, turn, twist, grow with me
Hold my hand and never let go
this journey is absolutely, uniquely mine
But I want you to come too

Getting ready
I left my house
And locked the door, bolt shut tight
Said goodbye to empty halls and rooms
Hollow memories

As I walked along
I heard the birds
in the trees
chirping, calling out
loud and gay
Bright, sunny, warm

A Tribute
to the birth
of Spring
Made me think of flowers, blossoms, petals,
Growth, beauty, joy
Bright, sunny, warm

The sun will never stop shining
down on me
And I know
that neither will your smile
For there can be
no death in love
There is no death
For a life well lived
Goes on forever

Keep smiling Grandma,
And I will hold [BF]
for you
with you
We are
Bright, sunny, warm.

Attitude Problem

It's been forever and a year (not quite) since I put anything up here.

I've started journaling again, which is something I've needed. I can't remember a time when I was busier (although somehow I still feel like I get more sleep than I did as a missionary...) and I am ready for a break.

Graduation is close, and I am so excited.

That's what I want to say: I am well, and happy. And I like that.

I think that everything we get in life (whether born with or not) has to be funneled through our attitudes. Viktor E. Frankl was not dumb when he said that we always get to choose our attitudes, especially in suffering. The hand you get can be a blessing or a curse. Your Choice.

It has been a long and ofttimes debilitating struggle, but I'm going the "blessing" route now wholeheartedly. Knowing who I am, being okay with it, and embracing it...that has become what I use to empower myself to help other people.

I help people.
In small, but SIGNIFICANT ways.

And for me, that is enough.

An acquaintance mentioned the other day that I seem to be moralizing; that I'm condemning those who choose to live differently than myself. I initially spouted off about accepting everyone no matter what they do and how they choose to live...trying knee-jerk reactionarily to defend myself, but with greater thought I think my response was erroneous. I am moralizing. We choose what we are going to believe in, and that's a tough cookie to crumble for some people. Those who become disillusioned and walk away from the gospel into what they have chosen to believe is right cannot call themselves free of moralizing either. I realized that after thinking about this particular acquaintance's circumstances. He's not served a mission, doesn't want to, hates church, and often speaks out against the institution as close-minded, repressive, etc etc. Not very new arguments from people who are upset. That's moralizing too! He would probably balk if I threw that argument at him, but isn't it? You've just aligned your beliefs opposite mine, and every step I take toward my "right" and staying in a Church that is far more important to me than anything else is a step further into your "wrong" because of oppression, bigotry, and any other number of reasons.

Moral relativism is a dangerous game and one that I cannot walk indifferently. That knife edge cuts and cuts and I'm tired of bloody feet. I will look and live and that's the only thing I know how to do. I refuse to rationalize and justify. Gospel principles are gospel principles, and until/if they are changed with the proper authority and dissemination from the mouth of the Prophet I believe in, what I follow is ordained of God and I cannot rightfully place myself elsewhere. God doesn't believe in line-walkers, or fence-sitters. Make a decision and stick to it.

Hypocrisy is condemned more than anything else by the Lord, so I must be true to self and Church and follow that which I see before me as the lighted path--albeit rocky, thorny, hedged about, and difficult--back to my God.

People would argue me on this, attack me even, for my choice. For my solidity, my stability. I will NOT back down. My chips are down, and my weapon drawn, and I have chosen a side.

I'm not looking back.