I've had so much on my mind the last few weeks... I know I haven't been diligent about blogging, and the little I have has been vague...
I don't have much to rectify that right now. I just wanted to say this. It's really, really hard being ripped in half every single moment of every day... and for two entirely different reasons. Agh.
Tonight I was watching GLEE as usual... and heard this song. And I cried.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side,
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
The whole time I could only think one thing: That I don't deserve her.
Apparently I'm going to say more than I intended. So much for vague...
I felt really grateful and really scuzzy at the same time. It brought to the surface all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my realizations about how awful I am. I'm not good enough for her, I don't treat her the way I should, and it's so easy for me to be cold and hateful to her. She's still here... why? Shouldn't she just leave and find someone better? Someone who's not a jerk? Someone who can LOVE HER?
And it makes me crazy because it simply stirs up everything I'm already feeling as I try and sort this out... do I love her? Can I love her the way she needs to be loved? People say yes, people say no, there's screaming... I've lost friends... now what?
Inside my heart I wrestle with myself...because I just don't know if *I* am good enough. And even if I am...how do I convince myself of this reality? I just don't believe in my heart. I don't...
...guess I'll just Keep Holding On.
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"Forgive these wild and wandering cries,
Confusions of a desolated youth;
Forgive them where they fail in truth,
And in thy wisdom make me wise.
---Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam
DISCLAIMER: Gay. Mormon. Pieces of me that I'm still trying to harmonize. Almost 10yrs since coming out, 5yrs since leaving the Church, I haven't figured out how to quit yet. Please respect my space. If you don't have a constructive contribution, please leave.
4 comments:
I didn't expect this post. At all. It's funny though because the only thing I was thinking last night, and praying so hard for, was for you to love yourself the way I love you, the way G-d loves you, the way SO many people love you. I told the bishop last week that I wish you could, even for a moment, see yourself the way I see you, or for that matter the way G-d sees you.
And I feel the same way, undeserving, so blessed. You always forgive me and you overlook so many of my faults. I am happy with you. We are best friends, soul mates, even if not in the romantic sense, and that is all I want. All the love I need. We have more going for us than the physical 'in love' and the lust of some relationships. If I didn't have everything I could ever want, I wouldn't still be here.
You are good enough. You deserve the world, eternity, celestial glory. Everything. Only Satan thinks otherwise.
I love you. The table is turned, and now I'm saying, "You gotta love yourself if can ever love me." You do love me, deeply and enough, but YOU won't ever believe you love me enough or that you deserve me until you love yourself. Until you see yourself the way I see you. The way your Father in Heaven sees you.
And if *I* am not enough for you, that is ok. I will be alright, I can move on, because you deserve the most too. I'm ok that I can't bring you everything, the lust, the hotness, but this is only fair to you if you have more than you sacrifice. You can have eternal family, salvation, glory, but can I bring you happiness, love, peace, joy? I am filled with peace and joy about my decision. I can be in a marriage with my best friend, I can sacrifice having someone 'in love with me.' Are you ok having a relationship with someone you are not 'in love' with?
I'm sorry that you can't have everything YOU could ever want. That you have to decide between two paths, both paths having some things that you want, neither path having everything.
Bottom line though- you deserve me. You are amazing. Don't let Satan convince you that you aren't good enough. "Keep holding on." Let peace and love into your life- YOU DESEVE it. You are more than enough for me. You are everything. I love you fully and completely, I don't need more, I don't want more. I have everything I could ever want.
How to convince yourself? Look at the obvious- if you weren't good enough, if you couldn't love me the way I deserve, if I wasn't happy, I wouldn't be here.
It's true though. All we have is to hold on, to what's right, what's good, what is genuinely true, and to the others that hold us up when we are falling.
I was really touched by the song as well. The look in Quinn's eyes as she sang and danced--a humble yet grateful look I have never seen from her before. It was nice to read the lyrics here. Thanks for posting them.
My favorite episode, though, still has to be the football team dancing to "All the Single Ladies." LOL. :)
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