Very soon now I will have internet capabilities in my home, and make my reappearance in the blogging world. Wait with antici...
...pation. :)
For the interim, this song really resonated with me today:
I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losing my faith today
Falling off the edge today
I am just a man
Not superhuman
I'm not superhuman
Someone save me from the hate
It's just another war
Just another family torn
Falling from my faith today
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speaking my mind today
My voice will be heard today
I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
I'm not superhuman
My voice will be heard today
It's just another war
Just another family torn
My voice will be heard today
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero, just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me
I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
I will be ready to die
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
(I need a hero)
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
(I need a hero)
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero
I need a hero
A hero's gonna save me just in time
12 November 2010
04 April 2010
de novo
I'm so 100% over being a Mormon.
I didn't watch a second of Conference. And I have no regrets.
I didn't watch a second of Conference. And I have no regrets.
18 February 2010
Utah Survey
Friends,
I know I've been all but active of late. I have reasons I won't share right now.
Suffice it to say, I've become a little more politically active of late. Right now my friends are conducting a survey regarding discrimination in Utah.
Please if you are:
1) LGBT (Mohos count :P)
and
2) Live in Utah (sorry to our outlying family members),
then take this survey:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/SVS7FCS
Love yer guts!
I know I've been all but active of late. I have reasons I won't share right now.
Suffice it to say, I've become a little more politically active of late. Right now my friends are conducting a survey regarding discrimination in Utah.
Please if you are:
1) LGBT (Mohos count :P)
and
2) Live in Utah (sorry to our outlying family members),
then take this survey:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/SVS7FCS
Love yer guts!
02 November 2009
Sticky Note
My blog(s) have been deathly quiet.
This is attributed to my level of busy-ness.
I will take solace in the notion that this is a good thing.
This is attributed to my level of busy-ness.
I will take solace in the notion that this is a good thing.
19 October 2009
Vacay
Sigh. I'm taking a break.
Much needed, methinks.
My best friend from High School is getting married this weekend, so I'm flying out - tomorrow - for a whole week of rest and relaxation. Time away. From everything.
Hopefully this will be good for me. :)
Much needed, methinks.
My best friend from High School is getting married this weekend, so I'm flying out - tomorrow - for a whole week of rest and relaxation. Time away. From everything.
Hopefully this will be good for me. :)
14 October 2009
Keep Holding On
I've had so much on my mind the last few weeks... I know I haven't been diligent about blogging, and the little I have has been vague...
I don't have much to rectify that right now. I just wanted to say this. It's really, really hard being ripped in half every single moment of every day... and for two entirely different reasons. Agh.
Tonight I was watching GLEE as usual... and heard this song. And I cried.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side,
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
The whole time I could only think one thing: That I don't deserve her.
Apparently I'm going to say more than I intended. So much for vague...
I felt really grateful and really scuzzy at the same time. It brought to the surface all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my realizations about how awful I am. I'm not good enough for her, I don't treat her the way I should, and it's so easy for me to be cold and hateful to her. She's still here... why? Shouldn't she just leave and find someone better? Someone who's not a jerk? Someone who can LOVE HER?
And it makes me crazy because it simply stirs up everything I'm already feeling as I try and sort this out... do I love her? Can I love her the way she needs to be loved? People say yes, people say no, there's screaming... I've lost friends... now what?
Inside my heart I wrestle with myself...because I just don't know if *I* am good enough. And even if I am...how do I convince myself of this reality? I just don't believe in my heart. I don't...
...guess I'll just Keep Holding On.
I don't have much to rectify that right now. I just wanted to say this. It's really, really hard being ripped in half every single moment of every day... and for two entirely different reasons. Agh.
Tonight I was watching GLEE as usual... and heard this song. And I cried.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side,
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
The whole time I could only think one thing: That I don't deserve her.
Apparently I'm going to say more than I intended. So much for vague...
I felt really grateful and really scuzzy at the same time. It brought to the surface all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my realizations about how awful I am. I'm not good enough for her, I don't treat her the way I should, and it's so easy for me to be cold and hateful to her. She's still here... why? Shouldn't she just leave and find someone better? Someone who's not a jerk? Someone who can LOVE HER?
And it makes me crazy because it simply stirs up everything I'm already feeling as I try and sort this out... do I love her? Can I love her the way she needs to be loved? People say yes, people say no, there's screaming... I've lost friends... now what?
Inside my heart I wrestle with myself...because I just don't know if *I* am good enough. And even if I am...how do I convince myself of this reality? I just don't believe in my heart. I don't...
...guess I'll just Keep Holding On.
06 October 2009
28 September 2009
Exhausted...
The fight has gone out of me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out my stupid, complicated life. And I'm sick of people judging me, assuming they can speak for me, tell me how to live, and what the hell I need to be doing with my life to be happy. Especially when they are people I love, care about, and trust, who in turn react negatively, presume to speak for me, and then tell me that I'm going to be miserable. They are right, they know-all, and they can speak for me and mine.
I could be pissed, I could be upset, I could be angry, I could come out fists flying to stand up for myself, make myself heard, and try to be understood.
But I'm too tired. I'm too beaten. I don't have the strength left to stand up and fight with you. Fine. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell me that I'll be calling you in 10 years when I'm wrong. Scream at me. Yell at me. Beat me into the ground.
At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.
In a week where everything falls apart and goes wrong, like getting wine dumped all over a very expensive outfit and having it effectively ruined; attempting to do a friend a favor and inadvertently cracking his windshield; getting belittled and berated by someone I really respected and looked up to for my apparent choices that (even though they are mormon and I'm heading in a very mormon direction) are going to make me miserable because let's remember that I'm gay and that should be more important than my faith in all regards; and having my civil suit (after 9 months) dropped out from under me without a second thought; when I am to the point where I feel the only other thing that can happen to me to make it any worse is getting run over AGAIN by a car (maybe this time I could die?)...
I will still find the strength to kneel down at the end of the day and Bless and Thank God for my trials, especially the ones that break and burn me. That's inside me, and I don't know how I do it, but it's there and it's me.
I want to give up, and I want to quit, and I want to get a gun... but in the end, I simply kneel down and thank God for destroying me. Again. So I can start picking up the pieces once more.
I'm so tired.
I could be pissed, I could be upset, I could be angry, I could come out fists flying to stand up for myself, make myself heard, and try to be understood.
But I'm too tired. I'm too beaten. I don't have the strength left to stand up and fight with you. Fine. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell me that I'll be calling you in 10 years when I'm wrong. Scream at me. Yell at me. Beat me into the ground.
At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.
In a week where everything falls apart and goes wrong, like getting wine dumped all over a very expensive outfit and having it effectively ruined; attempting to do a friend a favor and inadvertently cracking his windshield; getting belittled and berated by someone I really respected and looked up to for my apparent choices that (even though they are mormon and I'm heading in a very mormon direction) are going to make me miserable because let's remember that I'm gay and that should be more important than my faith in all regards; and having my civil suit (after 9 months) dropped out from under me without a second thought; when I am to the point where I feel the only other thing that can happen to me to make it any worse is getting run over AGAIN by a car (maybe this time I could die?)...
I will still find the strength to kneel down at the end of the day and Bless and Thank God for my trials, especially the ones that break and burn me. That's inside me, and I don't know how I do it, but it's there and it's me.
I want to give up, and I want to quit, and I want to get a gun... but in the end, I simply kneel down and thank God for destroying me. Again. So I can start picking up the pieces once more.
I'm so tired.
17 September 2009
Intimacy
I'm just going to throw this out. I'm stewing and mulling and it's eating at me to blog it all, but I just don't know.
So I'll start here. I want as MUCH Feedback (Caveat: ON TOPIC) as possible with this post. This is a me reaching to the edges (hopefully) of the MoHo/MOM/Gay world.
I want to have some discussion with those who have (or if you know someone who has, please steer me/them in their/my direction) had intimate relations with men, then decided (for whatever reason(s)) to have/try relations with a woman. Those who are in MOM's and think about men and are with women, but have never actually been with a man don't apply to what I want to talk about.
Please if this is you (or you know anyone who fits this) I want to chat/email/call, etc.
Thanks.
So I'll start here. I want as MUCH Feedback (Caveat: ON TOPIC) as possible with this post. This is a me reaching to the edges (hopefully) of the MoHo/MOM/Gay world.
I want to have some discussion with those who have (or if you know someone who has, please steer me/them in their/my direction) had intimate relations with men, then decided (for whatever reason(s)) to have/try relations with a woman. Those who are in MOM's and think about men and are with women, but have never actually been with a man don't apply to what I want to talk about.
Please if this is you (or you know anyone who fits this) I want to chat/email/call, etc.
Thanks.
06 September 2009
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