aporia: Hidden's HAPPINESS

End of Days

2011-09-21T10:48:00.001-07:00

The Silence is almost over. 76 days and counting. Please let this go quickly. Please.

[CENSORED]

2011-07-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

La mera verdad.

I feel like I'm drowning in ice water
My lips have turned a shade of blue
I'm frozen with this fear
That you may disappear
Before I've given you the truth

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here (I'm dying here)
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I bleed my heart out just for you

I've always dreamed about this moment
And now it's here and I've turned to stone
I stand here petrified
As I look you in your eyes
My head is ready to explode

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I bleed my heart out just for you

And it's all here in
Black and white and red
For all the times
Those words were never said

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I bleed my heart out just for you

I bleed my heart out just for you.

FRUSTRATION

2011-01-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

I can't blog. For reasons that I can't really say. ARGH.

But know that this blog is not dead. And that I will be back to tell the story that you all are waiting to here.

Hopefully sooner than later. *crosses fingers*

Cinderella Man

2010-11-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

In March 2008 she lost her everything. Now the other half has gone as well. And yet, this time the pain isn't as sharp. It's not as deep. Not because he was any less, but because she is stronger. I know it. And I see it. I no longer worry what she will do.

The poet rears his head anew.

Soaring (For Grandpa)
----------
Night of Winter
Snow falling
Softly, Sweetly
He closed his eyes and smiled
Because peace was there

Once upon a Summer's day
I knew him
Walked and
Talked with him

He was a fighter
Inside and out
Misunderstood
Misrepresented
So many times mistook
Almost his middle name

Externally yes
You don't know me
You don't see me
Internally much more
Resilience
Soaring

Roll with the punches
Bob and Weave
Little beat big
When little smart
First with the head
Then with the heart
Can't hit you
Can't hurt you

Songs you knew all too well
Coming to terms with
Questions of self
In a world not ready
For answers

Sometimes you duck
Sometimes you hit back
It's fine to be who you are
To stand up for what you believe
To shine
To soar
To say

I'm here
And I care
And I
Make a difference

Thank you for courage
Thank you for belief
Thank you for everything you gave
For everything you were

Memories
Cherished
Always

Now Peace
Now Joy
A Reunion
Bliss
The end is always the beginning
Of better
If you just know
How to look

In you
Of you
Through you
The Gift

I Carry
In me
Of me
Through me
To Pass

Love.

"Most gay youth...I'd say 90%, are actually doing quite well."

2010-11-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

"They are not depressed, they are not anxious, they're not attempting suicide; they're really quite ordinary adolescents."

So says Professor Ritch Savin Williams, professor of developmental psychology at Cornell University.

I think he's crazy.

But have a listen for yourself.

One of my straight, LDS friends who is trying to better understand me and mine sent this to me wondering what my reaction was. At OTR's prompting, I decided to post it here as well.

Granted, it's not a well thought out, refined literary masterpiece I'm turning in for any sort of grade. It's quite jumbled actually, and follows no set exposition, other than its reactionary nature.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"First off, let me say that I find the attention gays are getting in the media and from celebrities encouraging. It's time we stood up and faced head-on the issues of the day. But people so often don't want to. Along with abuse and rape, to name two, there are myriad problems facing our world. We as a people simply turn away from them in the hopes they won't affect us, instead of giving them the attention they need.

"I don't care what science and studies say, he's wrong. I'm not going to simply dismiss his arguments completely, but he openly admits picking and choosing his studies to show the results he wants. Likewise, often scientific studies are skewed by the fact that people know they are participating in them. And if they don't, what's to guarantee they will be honest? Gay teens aren't depressed, anxious, or attempting suicide? I completely disagree. When I was at BYU, struggling with coming out, I wouldn't have shared my anguish with ANYONE, not even my best friends, let alone some doctor or "scientist" coming and asking questions about my healthy adjustment to youth-dom. I would pretend to be happy, well-adjusted, and fine to the greater public eye of scrutiny (which I would say would be the indicators showcased in these studies) and then I'd lay on my bedroom floor at night curled up into a ball sobbing until I couldn't breathe, wishing I had a pistol. What 'study' is going to be able to document that?

"Scientifically, maybe there's not a distinction, but in reality there is. And even if it's slight, we're still talking about people. People who are killing themselves, or thinking about it. This is not okay.

"I think the difference is even starker among gay mormons, who face even more problems with the added difficulties of deep-rooted, socio-cultural belief, faith, and stigma that completely envelops them. Every gay person I've ever known has considered or attempted suicide. I first tried when I was 12. How does that make me 'just as healthy, resilient, and positive' as other youth? I don't think it does. I think he's off base.

"Again, people are dying. I know of 4 gay mormons in utah alone who killed themselves this year. And then there are the ones in the media that prompt our attention... these are only the ones that make it into the headlines. How many don't?

"I don't want to judge him the way he's judging kids, but I find it interesting that he uses the term "same-sex attraction." Pretty sure he just pegged himself as a Mormon. I don't know that that word exists outside LDS circles. And I won't go into what that would allow me to say about his motives and arguments. Granted, I could also be wrong.

"Likewise, I don't understand his claim about bullies. Just because we talk about gay teens struggling to adjust and identify in healthy, happy ways doesn't mean that we are actively empowering bullies. This statement is logical fallacy at best - they don't relate. Bullies are inherently empowered to begin with. That's the whole essence of 'bully' - power over someone else.

"I feel like he's trying to bully these results and the larger message being put out into something he wants to see; something he wants to believe in order to do exactly what I said at the beginning: ignore that the problem even exists in the hopes it will go away and won't affect him. Well, it will go away. After all the gay kids are dead.

"That said, the one thing I *do* agree with very strongly is that this IS the best time to be young and gay. When I was in High School, I wouldn't have dared come out in a million years. When I came out at BYU I was alone with my pain, fear, and confusion. Now we have the Trevor Project, the It Gets Better campaign, prominent gays in the media and politics (we even have a gay city council member here in Salt Lake); it's way more socially acceptable to be gay. So it is getting better.

"On the other hand, kids are still dying. And yes, gay kids ARE fragile, and we can't ignore that. All teens are fragile - trying to find ways to healthily adjust and determine who and how they will be. Gay teens, I feel, have a harder time because they have to find ways to reconcile their faith with their feelings. Others can just build their feelings and self around their faith with no problems. Gay people can't because the two are mutually exclusive and completely antagonistic. Well, maybe that's too dichotomous of me. They do not fit easily together. When you have yet to establish your core identity and struggle internally on a daily basis, what do you have to draw upon to stand up and defend yourself against a bully? I definitely never was able to. And even if it doesn't show up scientifically, I have plenty of examples from my life and the lives of my friends. I always believe my reality and my experience over some ambiguous, biasedly-hand-picked, made-up 90% opinion.

"Today I'm not depressed, anxious, or attempting suicide, and consider myself resilient and positive - but this is on the other side of a 2-year HELL [OTR votes the hell was much longer than two years. 10? 27?] the likes of which you will probably never understand. Yes, I got there, but it cost me SO much. So which teens is he measuring? Just the ones who made it and didn't die?"

In[Vi]tro

2010-11-26T15:44:00.000-08:00

For a long time now I've been internetless. The pace of my life is warp speed 10. Things move so fast, it's hard for me to keep up. I have no idea how bloggers like O-Mo do it. It seems like every day there's a new post - it's researched, coherent, poignant, and in-depth. It makes me a little jealous.

In the interim of the unplug (not always by choice), I've debated about the necessity of this blog, as so many of us do. What's its overarching purpose? Do I care if people read it? Am I wanting to contribute somehow to others and their struggles? Is it a place for my thoughts and feelings, and a sounding board for myself?

I've thought about not coming back. About not putting in the time. The effort. But after extensive pause and long conversations with OTR, we've decided that we will continue. That we must.

We want to tell our story. We want to share our experience. Not necessarily as a certain relationship deterrent, or an overt advocacy of one thing over another, but so that others can see where we have been, how it has affected us, and the growth our experience has left imbued upon us.

We have much to tell. And we hope you will be here. Reading. Understanding. Thinking. Acknowledging. Enriching and deepening yourself as you walk vicariously with us. That we may have some impact, no matter the depth of their indelibility.

Return and a Hero

2010-11-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

Very soon now I will have internet capabilities in my home, and make my reappearance in the blogging world. Wait with antici...

...pation. :)

For the interim, this song really resonated with me today:

I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losing my faith today
Falling off the edge today

I am just a man
Not superhuman
I'm not superhuman
Someone save me from the hate

It's just another war
Just another family torn
Falling from my faith today
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live

I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time

I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speaking my mind today
My voice will be heard today

I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
I'm not superhuman
My voice will be heard today

It's just another war
Just another family torn
My voice will be heard today
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time

I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero, just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die

Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me

I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
I will be ready to die

A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time

I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time

(I need a hero)
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?

(I need a hero)
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero

I need a hero
A hero's gonna save me just in time

de novo

2010-04-04T21:41:00.001-07:00

I'm so 100% over being a Mormon.

I didn't watch a second of Conference. And I have no regrets.

Utah Survey

2010-02-18T18:14:00.001-08:00

Friends,

I know I've been all but active of late. I have reasons I won't share right now.

Suffice it to say, I've become a little more politically active of late. Right now my friends are conducting a survey regarding discrimination in Utah.

Please if you are:

1) LGBT (Mohos count :P)

and

2) Live in Utah (sorry to our outlying family members),

then take this survey:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/SVS7FCS

Love yer guts!

Sticky Note

2009-11-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

My blog(s) have been deathly quiet.

This is attributed to my level of busy-ness.

I will take solace in the notion that this is a good thing.

Vacay

2009-10-19T12:29:00.001-07:00

Sigh. I'm taking a break.

Much needed, methinks.

My best friend from High School is getting married this weekend, so I'm flying out - tomorrow - for a whole week of rest and relaxation. Time away. From everything.

Hopefully this will be good for me. :)

Keep Holding On

2009-10-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

I've had so much on my mind the last few weeks... I know I haven't been diligent about blogging, and the little I have has been vague...

I don't have much to rectify that right now. I just wanted to say this. It's really, really hard being ripped in half every single moment of every day... and for two entirely different reasons. Agh.

Tonight I was watching GLEE as usual... and heard this song. And I cried.

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side,
You know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

The whole time I could only think one thing: That I don't deserve her.

Apparently I'm going to say more than I intended. So much for vague...

I felt really grateful and really scuzzy at the same time. It brought to the surface all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my realizations about how awful I am. I'm not good enough for her, I don't treat her the way I should, and it's so easy for me to be cold and hateful to her. She's still here... why? Shouldn't she just leave and find someone better? Someone who's not a jerk? Someone who can LOVE HER?

And it makes me crazy because it simply stirs up everything I'm already feeling as I try and sort this out... do I love her? Can I love her the way she needs to be loved? People say yes, people say no, there's screaming... I've lost friends... now what?

Inside my heart I wrestle with myself...because I just don't know if *I* am good enough. And even if I am...how do I convince myself of this reality? I just don't believe in my heart. I don't...

...guess I'll just Keep Holding On.

...

2009-10-06T22:07:00.001-07:00

I'm ready to wake up from this NIGHTMARE loosely defined as "life."

Exhausted...

2009-09-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

The fight has gone out of me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out my stupid, complicated life. And I'm sick of people judging me, assuming they can speak for me, tell me how to live, and what the hell I need to be doing with my life to be happy. Especially when they are people I love, care about, and trust, who in turn react negatively, presume to speak for me, and then tell me that I'm going to be miserable. They are right, they know-all, and they can speak for me and mine.

I could be pissed, I could be upset, I could be angry, I could come out fists flying to stand up for myself, make myself heard, and try to be understood.

But I'm too tired. I'm too beaten. I don't have the strength left to stand up and fight with you. Fine. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell me that I'll be calling you in 10 years when I'm wrong. Scream at me. Yell at me. Beat me into the ground.

At the end of it all... I'm not going to do anything different.

In a week where everything falls apart and goes wrong, like getting wine dumped all over a very expensive outfit and having it effectively ruined; attempting to do a friend a favor and inadvertently cracking his windshield; getting belittled and berated by someone I really respected and looked up to for my apparent choices that (even though they are mormon and I'm heading in a very mormon direction) are going to make me miserable because let's remember that I'm gay and that should be more important than my faith in all regards; and having my civil suit (after 9 months) dropped out from under me without a second thought; when I am to the point where I feel the only other thing that can happen to me to make it any worse is getting run over AGAIN by a car (maybe this time I could die?)...

I will still find the strength to kneel down at the end of the day and Bless and Thank God for my trials, especially the ones that break and burn me. That's inside me, and I don't know how I do it, but it's there and it's me.

I want to give up, and I want to quit, and I want to get a gun... but in the end, I simply kneel down and thank God for destroying me. Again. So I can start picking up the pieces once more.

I'm so tired.

Intimacy

2009-09-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to throw this out. I'm stewing and mulling and it's eating at me to blog it all, but I just don't know.

So I'll start here. I want as MUCH Feedback (Caveat: ON TOPIC) as possible with this post. This is a me reaching to the edges (hopefully) of the MoHo/MOM/Gay world.

I want to have some discussion with those who have (or if you know someone who has, please steer me/them in their/my direction) had intimate relations with men, then decided (for whatever reason(s)) to have/try relations with a woman. Those who are in MOM's and think about men and are with women, but have never actually been with a man don't apply to what I want to talk about.

Please if this is you (or you know anyone who fits this) I want to chat/email/call, etc.

Thanks.

Resignation

2009-09-06T21:12:00.001-07:00

I'm sick of everything.

I don't want to try anymore.

That's all.

Resolve

2009-08-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to anyone struggling in a relationship.

I will confess to loving this song so much that it's currently ranked #1 on my itunes. 247 plays since January. I think that's an average of at least once a day, but I don't do math, so I dunno. :) Cheers.

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it is never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

~It's Not Over, Secondhand Serenade

Consolation

2009-08-25T16:05:00.001-07:00

At least the Void has good music :P This post is dedicated to MYSELF.

I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is
My one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is
Something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
Where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

-Be My Escape, Relient K

Void

2009-08-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

Aporia. Self. Simultaneously one and the other. Self. Constituting a third term in binary opposition without leaving room for a solution. Self. The splitting open and deconstruction of systems of thought... Self.

Scott recently blogged about the "T/F" package deal of Mormonism, something I had to efface from my thoughts and mind in order to come to terms with myself as something other than an evil entity before the eyes of God.

But now what? Now where? What does an aporetic being do when he himself is broken down and torn into pieces by the very systems of thought he challenges and breaks down around him?

What do I do now that I've come to terms with me, and my path, and find that I systematically obliterated all restriction so that literally ANYTHING is possible?

How do you know which way to project yourself in the vast emptiness that is space when there is nothing around you to propel off of? I feel like I'm swimming, but there's no water. There's no land. There's nothing.

Just... nothing.

The options are there, the paths are known, but I am supposed to take the one that will make me happy... what if that's all of them? Any? None?

There is so much weighing down on me right now. I'm so heavy. So, so heavy. How do I ever hope to make this decision? The choice that trumps all other choice? The one that decides which path I walk? I've been here before.

Damn. The most frustrating thing is to see myself having progressed SO FAR, only to realize that it all comes back to the same place. To the same choice. To the same fight. Why doesn't this struggle ever end?

In a world of pure gray where black and white no longer matter, how do you choose a right? THE right? How should I know what to do? Spiritual confirmation is necessary some have told me... but where do you find that when you don't even really know how to pray? When you don't know what to believe in? I feel like I need to just give up and start over. Start at the very beginning. Dismantle my faith completely, set fire to it, and then start from the ground up. But how does that help me make the decision I am facing?

I was sure. Almost. I was getting there. And then I said something that made me realize otherwise. And now I don't know what to say. Who to counsel with. You want a neutral source, one without bias, but we all have our experiences and they all color us one shade or another in this world of pale gray light. So I'm quiet. And afraid. And I talk in circles, except for those who are so close they have ears to hear... and I don't spit what I'm thinking or feeling. I just stir. And think. And mull. And wonder. Can I? Can I do this?

I have always walked alone. I want to end that, but I'm not sure if when it really, really comes down to it that I actually know how. In a moment, a thought, a conviction, it's easy to go along and say "Yes," but as time flows and the cold snap breaks into the shards of progression, does my answer remain the same? I know how to be social, to get along, to be chummy, but people don't get close. Not THIS close. This is an anomaly, a difference, a chance.

But do I take it? Is it worth it? Is this what I want? Can I hack this path that has never been walked before? Will I be happy?

I doubt, and I drown, and I lament. I was walking on water... .

Now I'm floating. In an abyss of nothing. How will I ever decide? I need more time, but it's growing short because the window of opportunity is shrinking, the heart is closing, and I am still wondering.

Without True and without False, how do I decide Right for Me and Wrong for Me?

I'm content in a lot of areas of my life to not have answers, but I cannot proceed with the answer here. I MUST have it. I MUST know. I MUST decide.

I MUST escape this void and reclaim my aporetic self. It just helps to express my dismay in the meantime. :) Especially since I can't see a foreseeable end, solution, answer, or otherwise. The Void is very dark. Guess that makes it wrong in a T/F world. Hey, it's a start, right?

Holding On

2009-08-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to Chris.

I thought the future held
A perfect place for us
That together we would learn to be
the best that we could be
In my naivety I ran
I fell and lost my way
Somehow I always end up falling over me

And one day
I woke to find
The future had no place
For me
I was unwanted in a world
That with my hands I helped build
Where once was honesty and pride
I now stand broken and alone
Just a shadow
Of what I was meant to be

They say that "Time will heal"
"The truth shall set us free"
Well that depends
On what it is
that you choose to believe
In this prison made of lies
We see what it is we want to see
And find comfort in this
Broken hall of dreams

Does anybody feel
the way I do?
Is there anybody out there?
Are you hearing me?

If I believe in you
Will you believe in me?
Or am I alone
in this hall of dreams?

I believe in you
You believe in me
But I have no trust
In anything
Somehow I'm always
always falling over me

Somehow I'm always
I'm always falling over me

~Holding On - VNV Nation

Sing

2009-08-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to Beck and Bravone.

We sing the same song, you and I
With lead feet in deep water,
We cry out to live or die
Instead we're treading waves to stay alive
Our heads above the grave
But there's no one to save us this time

So I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again, oh

My life's a painting I've done blind
With each brush stroke you'll watch me
Blur every solid line
Over this canvas I have stood
With no one left beside me
No one to decide if it's good

So I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again
Again, again, again, again, again, yeah

I will sing and you will hear me
And join the chorus so we can start again, oh
Our voices raised are flawed but freeing
Our souls so we can change and start again
Again, again, again, again, again, again

~Sing - The Classic Crime

2009-08-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

My followers keep increasing, and I'm not even posting anything. LOL So I prolly ought to start again.

[insert section where I come up with inane, fundamentally flawed, drippy list of reasons I have not been blogging] Yeah, no. I don't feel like it today.

However, I will share one, for the sake of sharing. The biggest and best reason I haven't been blogging is that I'm happy (outwardly and generally).

I really am having an amazing summer.

Traveling, spending time with those I care about, and really just being myself. There are downs, rough spots, and times I think too much, but life should never be a glass-like lake with no ripples or movement.

My main source of pain right now is for those who feel trapped in less-than-desirable circumstances, or cannot wholly be themselves. I wish I had answers for how to help these people, but I really don't. I'm not Gandhi or Mohammed.

Beyond outward appearances and general happiness, there's what's really going on deep inside of me that I don't give my full attention everyday because it would kill me. I'm happiest when I'm not worrying about me and my life. LOL Aren't we all though? Like a new food rolled on my tongue so I can form an opinion, I'm mentally debating some very, very weighty and tough decisions. I've not blogged them because, to be frank, open, and completely transparent; I'm worried of the response I will get. My skin isn't as thick as I like to pretend it is, and despite the affront I offer, I do care what people think of me. I'll openly admit my hatred for judgment.

If I can work up the courage, maybe I'll let you into the abscesses of my heart and mind and just come clean with everything that I'm feeling and thinking right now...

All I have is words
To which I`m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll
Save me
But I'm lost
I'm so lost

These pages will burn
And I'll pass away
Yesterday's gone
And I just can't shake
The fact that I'm lost
I'm so lost

-The Classic Crime, Far From Home

Free

2009-06-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

Hmm. I haven't blogged anything since returning to the abyss that is Utah. I know I've had blogs stirring around in my head... but they apparently never make it to the page.

In some ways this is good. I'm out more, playing more, enjoying life more, and generally happier. Super step-up from the hell that was Florida.

Anyway, I'm 100% exhausted so I don't have much substantial to say.

I simply wanted to put out that this week I had the opportunity to be indiscriminately open to people about who I am, and it was so freeing.

Wonderfully so, actually.

And when being a gay man makes me even cooler than I would be otherwise, all the more added bonus.

Return

2009-05-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I got tired of all the BS at my house, and I bought a plane ticket, and I skipped town.

Why I've come back to the most red, close-minded state, I'm not sure. Something draws me here though, and it definitely feels more like home than anywhere else. Besides the support system I have here is so much stronger.

So for those of you who read (or lurk, or stalk), but haven't had the opportunity to meet me, well here's your chance. Cuz I'm back in the UT, and lovin' life.

See ya round Utah kids.

Center

2009-05-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

Today in Sunday School I announced that I was leaving and everyone was so upset. Teach told me later that she cried for me today, and she's not a crier. She realizes how hard it is for me here and can't understand why my parents can be the way they are.

The lesson was really good. We talked about living the religion, aka "how to not be a snooty bitch." And living it with truth. When we are down, and struggling, and bothered to no end by bigots, we simply need to remember this. Christ is the center. He is the everything. And everything, absolutely everything, he did was selfless. This is all about how we treat others, not anything else.

Most Mormons are masqueraders, and damn good ones at it too. They live by the book, they stick to the rules, and they follow their mold. And people like me don't fit that. I'm real, and I'm gritty. I've been hurt, and I've made serious mistakes.

And? My testimony is stronger and more powerful for it. See, most of these "God-fearing," unbending, close-minded Mormons don't know the meaning of true faith. They don't know what the spirit is really about, they don't know how to hear it, to recognize it, to understand it and, least of all, how to follow it. So they stick to their safe zones - their rituals, their parades, and their traditions of Mormonness. And they end up being snooty bitches to those who kick against their bullshit.

We are not. We've built our faith on blood, tears, sweat, and pain. We are the true followers and disciples here. And because of it, we live our religion differently than the rest, and that bothers them. They want to judge us, they want to condemn us, they want to think less of us. And I won't act like I'm completely beyond that either. When I first got here and saw that my teachers - the people giving me my spiritual recourse every week - seemed mostly inactive, swore, and seemed more interested in the lastest gossipy events than teaching me a lesson... I was ready to judge. I was ready to question. I could scorn, sure. These weren't "real" believers. They weren't "real" followers. What did they know about being spiritual or righteous?

No. No, no, no. These people are friends. True friends. And they have testimonies that beat out other members entirely. Others haven't been depraved alcoholics on the street fighting for a reason to keep moving forward. Others haven't fathered children out of wedlock and then had to deal with the stigma afterward. Others haven't had to reconcile parts of who they are to fit with the way they worship and love. The largest majority of them have been cut-and-dried, from-the-get-go followers, and I think deep down they are suffering for it. They are all teenagers desperate to find the way to move forward; and like deceptive, secretive, shameful lemming-like creatures they pander, and preen, and follow one another, always checking to make sure it's by the book, by the letter, and the way it's always been done. And even some who do know what it's like to be different try and cram themselves into the rules and the rituals and the way it's supposed to be, comparing they way they live their religion to everyone else, and trying to fit in as much as possible.

This is wrong. How many of these people I look at in Sacrament Meeting as I spout off words of a hymn telling me that my home should be a heaven on earth actually have that? How many of them don't have vices and secrets and problems? How many of them truly, deeply, wholly live and move every moment by the power of the spirit and allow that to govern all they do and say and are? How many?

I think that our (I can't remove myself entirely from being at fault here too) falsity, our professed faith, and vain meanderings measure up to nothing less than Rameumptom-discipleship. And it's hurting us as a Church.

Whenever I begin to doubt, and I begin to waver, and I am discouraged, and fed up, and tired of bullshit, I need to remember.

Remember that I live my faith, and my actions are real. All of them. I don't pretend to read my scriptures every day, I don't pretend to pray when I get up and go to bed. I don't do fake Mormonism, rules, rituals, and motions. I give of myself to others. I remember the center. I remember Christ, and I follow Him, and I try and be like him. I strive to find the Spirit, know the spirit, and follow the Spirit. I'm HONEST about my faith, and most of all, I'm humble about following Christ. My job is to serve and to love, the end. I'm not here to promote myself, or show you what an awesome Mormon I am by getting up and bearing my testimony while I cover up my vices and my problems. Too many people forget that as they work desperately to prove themselves within the church, to be on display - look at me magnifying my calling! I'm celestial material!

Forget the nay-sayers, and the mockers, and the doubters, and most of all, the haters. Live your religion the way you want, and I will live mine the way I know. The way that burns to my core, pulls at my heart, and pleases my God. This is my religion, and yes, it's the same as yours, only I live it differently. And that's okay. And it needs to be okay with you too. This is truth, and this is real, and you can't take it away from me no matter how hard you try to push me away or get me to follow your "proper way" and pretend nothing's wrong with me and that I never mess up and I never struggle or that everything is easy and perfect. Never.

F M L

2009-05-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

As if it couldn't get worse. As if it couldn't hurt more. As if.

Tonight my Dad came into my room and wanted to have a "father son chat." Oh boy, here it comes. And then it did.

Full force, and with more oomph than I was expecting. And now I'm hurting, and crying, and I just want to...

I need to get out of here.

Yes, I'm looking for jobs. Yes, I'm trying to do something (that's a lie. The depression that has curled itself around me tighter than a glove leaves me unable to do anything but wile my hours away on the internet playing mindless games - which is ALL I do. Everyday, every minute, there I am. Buried).

Have I looked for a job? Yes. Have I applied to grad school? No. He thinks I should. But I'm broke and I can't afford it... ugh. Am I writing? No. Not a lick. Because I can't concentrate, and I can't handle this place.

I need insurance, I need a phone, I need a place to live. All money I don't freaking have. And the kicker...

He said I was welcome to stay here but I can't keep acting the way I do. Just because I slipped up and said the word "damn" today where my mom could here, now I'm in trouble? He also claims that I use the word "crap" too much. I outright told him I didn't appreciate his hypocrisy since I'm not the only one who says it. And then he swore up and down that they had it totally under control and no one said that before I came back. Bullshit.

I hate this place. I hate it, I hate it, God. I HATE IT.

F M L.

Drowning Pool

2009-04-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck and I don't know how to move forward.

I've become completely crippled by depression and loneliness.

Funny how you can feel the same way you did almost 2 years ago...and wonder if anything's really different:

"I feel sick to my stomach and disjointed today. One of those days where you are so disconnected from yourself that it affects even your 'pretending to be okay' functionality.

I want to cry, but don't remember how and it never helps anyway. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have no direction, no hope. And when you don't have hope, life isn't a very fun experience."

In sacrament we sat behind the lady I overheard last week and I just glowered the whole time. The message resonated in my head to not let other people and their judgments affect me - don't let it interrupt the reasons I come to church... but I couldn't do it. I wouldn't even sing again. She has silenced my voice. And I don't how to recover from that.

Sunday School was about optimism, but it didn't sink in. I listened to the lesson, I commented, I appreciated, but I didn't absorb. I didn't internalize. The darkness is too thick around me.

My stomach won't stop hurting; I'm curled up in my bed, bawling, so alone, wishing for that which I have only truly felt once in my life: peace.

Why can't I have it? If I want it so bad I'm ready to kill myself over it, why won't you give it to me? What else do I have to do to beg you?

As if I didn't have enough on my plate already, I also found out this week - firsthand - that my little sister has started purging. She went in the bathroom and I heard every gut-wrenching moment of it. At first I thought I misheard. Then I thought maybe she was sick. No. She kept gagging over and over and over. It was so loud. I was sick for the rest of the day. Really? I didn't have enough already? More?

The only time I have ever ached in my body this much for my family was the time my brother tried to commit suicide in his room after losing his girlfriend, and I was left holding the bloody knife while my mom dragged him to the ER.

It's so heavy. More than chains and cement blocks dragging me down to death. Is there peace here? At the bottom of the choking blanket, when I open my mouth to gulp in death, will I find it?

I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm just too tired. And too battered. Being alone - being Jesus - is too much for me to handle.

The Resurrection of Hope

2009-04-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

Pressing on week to week. I get up and I go to Church. And I pretend everything's okay.

Today was no different.

Until I got to Church. I had literally been sitting 3 seconds when I overheard the woman behind me talking to a man about how proud she was. Apparently her son's school newspaper had published an article about gays and lesbians and the woman went to the School Board and all the way to the superintendent and was proud as punch to pull out all the ammunition she could find in order to get the article rescinded. The man asked what the article was about, did it present anything? She replied, it advocated a lifestyle, one that was inappropriate and didn't belong there. And she had researched and she felt absolutely justified in battling such evil.

And I lost it. Inwardly, my shell crumbled. All my protection, all my denial, all my pressing forward in desperate, waning hope... All this. Before the opening song. Well, that ruined the spirit for me. I wouldn't even sing the hymns, and I love singing. Sacrament was drab, dull, and I was boiling with hate for this judgmental woman whom I would no longer call friend. Why? I asked myself, why do I even come here? I thought of walking out a number of times. Going to the parking lot, breaking down, casting off my pretenses, and just sobbing.

Sunday School. My teachers, the married-with-two-kids YSA representatives, were 25 minutes late. I'm just glad they were here this week (Bro. O has been to church twice in the last six weeks). They travel alot, and don't ever get a substitute. They aren't what I would judgingly call the "strongest" of Mormons, but I do believe they are sincere about their faith.

When we do have a lesson, it's usually short, and something like a 5-second thought, because they are too busy chattering with the other kids who come.

But today was different. Bro. O actually followed the spirit and put aside the lesson he'd prepared, and then flat out asked why we come to church. What keeps up coming back? Why do I get out of bed in the morning and come there? I jokingly replied, "My dad."

But it soon turned serious. One girl said, "Because I need to strengthen my testimony." Another, "Because this is one of the few things that brings me happiness anymore." Then it was my turn. I replied, "Because this is a place to grow closer to God, and that's what I'm trying to do."

Bro. O nodded and then asked, "But do you believe in the church?" I replied, "That's open for debate." Then I clarified, "I believe in the doctrines, but not the people. Most of the people suck."

He nodded. That was what he wanted to talk about. And so we did. We talked about prejudice, and hate, and how so many Mormons are discriminatory. He said that they have, oh guess what?, a number of friends who are gay and still trying to stay in the church, and for the first time I knew that I'd be okay being honest with them.

Each one of the students knew exactly what he was talking about, and the girls talked about how eye-opening (and faith-shaking) it was to be brought up in young women's and never have anyone talk about you, and be taught that everyone and everything in the church is perfection and goodness and righteous. Then as soon as they graduated, the hate began. The gossip. The distaste for their choices.

One moved in with a boy.
One dated (and married) a non-member.
One is continually judged for being overweight.
Another slept with his girlfriend and now has a kid.

All of them have received less-than-kindness at one time or another. In this way, I am not so different.

But the question bubbles to the surface: WHY? Jesus supped with publicans, the church is supposed to be a place of refuge - a hospital - not a place of judgment.

Yet we do it. All of us (yours truly easily included). Bro. O could feel the hate emanating from me, and so I told them about the woman behind me in Sacrament this morning.

It was stated that there are NOT good and bad people out there. We are all both. Just like Asher Lev taught me. :) "There is in my hand the power of demons and of divinity. Two aspects, one force. Creation, creativity, are; all demonic and divine." I AM DEMONIC AND DIVINE. There are no good people who do bad things. There are no bad people with good intentions. There are just HUMANS. And that if anything is what Mosiah 3:19 is about, when it describes the natural man: judging.

We do things, and say that we are doing good, but fail to consider how many we are hurting. If it hurts people, and destroys lives... if it pushes me away, then how can you call it good?

It was a very enlightening discussion and exactly what I needed to keep me going right now. I refused to write my comments on Conference because I knew how faithless and questioning they were... and I felt like I didn't measure up.

Others are still here and they are still going.

I kept saying to myself, they are sticking it out. They are continuing to fight. I'm tired of fighting, but I don't know how to quit. I don't know how to walk away.

I don't know how to reach the freedom of struggle.

And then the thing that really struck me... after we were done talking about these people who judge and hate, and don't live the religion the way we want them too... Bro O. said, "Don't let any of these people, or the things they convey, be the reason you stop coming. Don't let them drive you away. Keep coming because of the reasons you hold in your heart."

And so inwardly I'm weeping. Because I have a reason to hope again. I was drowning, sucking water into my lungs greedily, waiting for the blackness to take me, and then in my darkest moment, my hand was grabbed. And I was pulled up just a little.

But A Little's Enough.

The Death of Hope

2009-04-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Going into Conference, I will admit that I as hopeful. As I am every Conference. They say that if you prepare, and you hope, and you pray, that you will find the answers you're looking for. And so I do the same thing everytime, and end up feeling jaded. This time was no different.

This was the first conference I didn't attend in person since returning from my mission 3+ years ago. But I made a day of it anyway, leaving home for the first session and just chilling at the church until it ended (I took a lunch and a book both days).

If you are a sincerely converted, deeply believing Mormon, I warn you in advance some of this may be a little startling. I'm just going to go down the list and give you my reactions as I penned them in my little notebook. This is 100% honest, sincere, guttural, and intensely emotional - consider this your fair warning disclaimer.

SATURDAY MORNING SESSION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pres. Monson - He said "the work is moving forward uninterrupted" and immediately the hope and strength I had mustered in putting on my tie and bringing myself to hear these words in hope of upliftment, begin to falter. Are you ignoring all the issues before your eyes? How can you honestly stand by such a statement and say that there are no interruptions to the work of God?

You pray for me but do you have a place for me here?

Coming into conference, and having it start this way I find myself more skeptical than ever before. I'm just not as ready to believe. Prayers for Bobby states that questioning spawns deeper faith - Am I simply in the limbo before I get there? Or will I never make it?

Robert D Hales - I need to have hope, in my Savior.

Is my deepest hunger a love of God? I don't really think so. I think it's to have a place, to feel equal. I know with all my being that God loves me, but does the Church? Because I still don't see that.

Margaret Lifferth - Reverence

Michael A Neider - Virtue. Live by quorum and priesthood principles.

Allen F Packer - Deep personal conviction. Where is it? This is the way to build on rock.

Desire, Experiment, Study and learn (Ponder), Have realistic expectations of inspiration/revelation, and ASK.

So are my expectations for answers to the questions that continue to vie for purchase in my heart and mind unrealistic? Unattainable?

The lord needs EACH of us, I have work to do. There's a reason I'm not dead, so why can't I see it? Why don't I know where to go?

D Todd Christofferson - Covenants provide the faith necessary to persevere through all tribulation. Faith also grows through trails. So is this my hang-up? My covenants aren't all in 100% working-order, so I can't hack it anymore? Getting everything back where it needs to be would cost so much, am I ready to pay the price? Is it worth the cost? That's a question I really want answered.

Henry B Eyring - We are human. Comfort gives way to distress, good health wanes, and misfortune happens. And the one he didn't say: Good intentions don't necessarily work without harming others.

Is God indifferent? Does he just not care about the way we suffer, racked with pain and agony? Greater trust is only gained through trials. Then brings the joy of forgiveness, to heal and help us. So how much more is more? How much deeper does deep go? How many more tears do I have to cry in order to wash my soul clean? Trials are an invitation to grow, and faith endures when it's hard. This is why I'm still here right now, despite my misgivings, my struggles, my doubt and the inherent discrepancies I see in the conduct and attitude of the Saints.

One day I want to be able to say this: "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" 2 Tim 4:7

SATURDAY AFTERNOON SESSION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
M Russell Ballard - Darkness results when we turn our backs. So which way does that mean I'm facing? Where is the so-called "collapse of morality?" Everyone raves on and on about the moral depravity and rampant collapse of values and principles, but I have yet to see documentation of this. I have yet to understand that there is a world-threatening endemic of people ravishing the streets have wild, gratuitous sex with whomever they come across. Where is the evidence of this collapse? The economic collapse - that I believe in because I can see it.

This was one of the first talks where I felt a strong sense of irony as he preached about the past repeating itself, and I thought about the Church and it's position with the Blacks and how that changed. Is this the next repeat?

Why do you, whom I look to as leaders, and guiders, and the ones in whom I should place my trust - WHY do you dance with your words and skirt the issues? If you're going to take a stand, then by all means, TAKE IT. Come out and say exactly what you intend to do, and who you are going to do it against, so that I can have something solid in which to base my decision and know for sure what's going to happen. Then I can make my informed decision without your damned ambiguous vagueness.

Quentin L Cook - No notes.

Kevin W Pearson - Fear and faith cannot coexist. We get what we focus on - so is my focus misplaced? Is my hope in the wrong thing? Should I just go back to grinding myself against the wall some more so that my focus is directed to the right place? Even if it kills me? At least my focus will be in the right place...

Rafeal E Pino - Adversity happens.

Richard G Scott - Going to the temple is #1. More important than addressing the situation of those struggling? Stop mincing words! I need to thank the Lord more for trusting me enough to give me adversity? Stop your bitching, there's no reason to complain if you're living worthily.

Russell M Neslon - To be forgiven, you must first forgive.

Unity is key, but it's going to fail in the face of unacknowledged divisions. How can you build unity around secrets, prejudices, and false judgment?

SATURDAY EVENING SESSION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boyd K Packer - Read D&C 89. Resist the impulses that will trouble your spirit. The hardest part of war is UNCERTAINTY. You don't know how it will end. Who's going to be a casualty?

Happiness is NOT available to me according to his definition. Because that is only found in taking a woman to the temple, where "happy" is.

Richard C Edgely - Get a job.

Claudio R M Costa - Give faithful service.

Dieter F Uchtdorf - Focusing on being gay and finding my way and place in the church seems vitally important, but is it causing me to crash? Am I going to go down and miss the truth? Am I focused just on a burnt out bulb?

Henry B Eyring - The wounds of sin are not readily felt at inception, and if not resolved, fester and kill. So how have I survived? Shouldn't I be long dead with all the "sin" in my life that goes unmentioned?

"Man Down!" Help your brothers! Go above and beyond the call of duty. What hypocrisy! How can you profess to do this? How can any of you claim to stand here and do this? What about the 100's already down? What about me? I've been screaming MAN DOWN for months, years. Where is my aid? Where is my rescue? I don't even know who the enemy is that's shooting me. Is it the advancing menace? Or those who would call themselves friend? Where's MY badge of honor for fighting for all of you even when you turn your backs and disdainfully leave me here to die?

Pres. Monson - Study diligently, Pray fervently, and Live righteously. Are these principles fully incorporated into my life? Or ignored? Prayer provides spiritual strength and is a passport to peace. So why hasn't it EVER EVER EVER worked for me?

SUNDAY MORNING SESSION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dieter F Uchtdorf - Hunger for meaning and purpose... oh wait I do. The more we hear the gospel truth, the more faith and hope blossom within us, filling our hearts and minds... NO. I don't feel this. Where's my disconnect? How did I break somewhere?

The gospel supposedly has the answers to ALL problems. So where the hell are they? Why aren't you giving them to me? What is the "ultimate formula for success and happiness?" (besides the one I can't fulfill).

Day after day after day after bloody day I do what you say but get NO closer to elusive happiness. None. "Practice what you preach." HA! Okay, I'm waiting for you to live up to that hypocritical statement.

I stop, I see myself. Yesterday: Innocent, naive, full of hope, budding with joy for Christ and His church. And again Today: Tired of crying, of fighting, of pushing myself away from inviting death, waiting for someone, anyone, to finish my faith that I continue daily to retch toward the thing I love most that only returns hate to me.

God sees me forever. What does he see? What do YOU see?

Neil A Andersen - Keeping covenants in these days of destiny will be a badge of honor in the eternities. Well, I already forfeited mine, so now what?

Steven E Snow - No notes.

Barbara Thompson - No notes.

Jeffrey R Holland - Finally in this battery of hate, lack of acceptance, indifference toward my plight, and hypocritical preaching, I find something which provides me a flicker of new hope, which I desperately cling to.

Jesus is who I follow. He is the reason I am still here. He has walked alone, just as I am. ALL turned against him.

Judas was a special witness of Christ. An apostle of God. He saw Jesus heal, heard him pray. And yet, he could betray him? Don't JUDGE Judas. The apostles Peter, James, and John fell asleep in the Savior's greatest hour of need. THREE TIMES.

Peter denied Christ three times.

Jesus' support circle collapsed around him (though the women stayed - way to go faithful ladies!)

Jesus had no comfort, no companionship. So why should *I* expect any? God went through this hell of hells, and I need to be like him right? Was Jesus emotionally prepared for what he suffered? He made it through, and that is sufficient reason to continue hoping, and to press forth. God was pleased with his Son.

Jesus pressed on even when he was in complete anguish; completely, and abjectly alone.

I STAND BY JESUS.

Pres. Monson - The moral footing of society continue to slip? You are the PROPHET OF GOD! It your duty, calling, and obligation to sound your voice as a TRUMP to shake all nations against deviance and wickedness. If Prop 8 is WRONG, then come out and say so! Don't just mildly refer in passing to things which upset you. Tell me so I can know to leave!

2 Ne 2:25 "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." Okay, HOW? How the hell do I achieve this when you stand there and paint it against me? When you paint me on the other side of you and all those who are righteous?

You tell me to center my life on the gospel. I AM. I DO. And it's done nothing but bring me closer to DEATH.

The future is as bright as my faith? Well, that's going to be a problem...

SUNDAY AFTERNOON SESSION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dallin H Oaks - What am I willing to sacrifice for the Lord? Happiness? Normalcy? Equality? I have a different destiny.

Ignore your plight, ignore yourself. Forget your conflict, forget your problems. Just serve! With a smile! Everything will be peachy peachy!

Bullshit.

David A Bednar - Temples are the focus. Celestial marriage is the goal. The only goal worth having.

-In this painting, I have no place. So why do I stay?

All in the gospel looks to the temple. Here is where the highest blessings are available - just not to me.

Take upon ye the name of Christ and then wage war viciously and unrelentingly against all who would threaten you because God will protect you in righteousness. Is he really saying this? This is like a free pass to just hate us more and more and it's okay. What more permission do the Saints need?

Gary E Stevenson - Go to the temple or you are the mist of darkness.

Jose A Teixeira - We are born with GPS, to know right and wrong. So why the hell is it so HARD? Confusing? I keep the commandments, but... no one's guiding me - how do *I* know?

F Michael Watson - Wisdom of those who have gone before and those with us still will lead us and guide us on the search. But where is that going to lead me? Barred doors?

Master speaks through his Prophets... so WHY do they continue to be silent when I'm screaming for all I'm worth? "Man Down!" We need more than a talk for me to believe this.

L Tom Perry - Be a better missionary - warn your neighbor. (And then when they get baptized, they can do what E.Bednar suggests and hate everyone else).

Pres. Monson - The words don't even phase me anymore. It's over - again. I've spent more than 60 HOURS listening to these men spit words looking for something to hold on to, something to give me a reason to continue trying to cut myself into the mold I don't fit, and again, I'm leaving empty-handed.

Hate and bitterness, scorn and rage, are all growing in my heart. The scary thing is that I don't know how to stop them. I don't know how to save myself from falling apart the rest of the way. "Choose ye this day whom ye will serve" - but I'm WEAK, so I serve Satan, right?

End.

After it was over, my dad picked me up and said, "So did you enjoy it?"

I deadpanned and replied, "No."

He wasn't expecting that. But he did get points by actually turning down the radio and asking why.

And then I exploded. "Because every time I go looking for answers, I only end up with more questions. It compounds the hate and loathing I already have for myself, and leaves me feeling utterly hopeless because the "focus" the "goal" is something I can't have, and it's something I can't achieve."

I paused and looked at him, "And most of the time I wish that it wasn't such a part of me - that it wasn't so deeply in my heart and soul. Because then I could walk away, make peace, and move on with building my own happiness. But I just can't do that, and it's destroying me. Why do I have to believe? Why?"

He really wasn't expecting that. And he didn't reply. But I didn't expect him too. He listened, and that was enough.

And so I'm breaking down. And I can't hack it anymore. I'm ready to be done. But just as I felt enslaved to the devil as a child with sexual desires, now I feel chained to the church with my spiritual ones. The role has reversed, but I'm just as bound as ever.

And I hate it.

That's why I wouldn't write about it. Because I don't want you to see my pain, my hurt, my frustration. Because I don't want you to understand. Or sympathize. Or try and comfort me.

It's easier to pretend nothing's wrong. Nothing's broken. I'm not floundering in a sea of doubt and despair. I'm full of hope and joy, and forgetting myself I'm simply beaming with service, loving everyone as they love me back, warmly, openly, and wholly. I put on my tie, shine my shoes, and go to church because it makes me feel so safe and happy...right?

Self-same Silence

2009-04-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not blogging, not because I don't want to.

Because I can't.

I'm fiercely in denial, in order to hold together the fractured pieces of my world. The other day I knocked a lid off one of my mom's kitchen decorations - a glass strawberry - and it shattered into pieces. My little sister taped it back together with scotch tape. Pathetic, and not entirely the same (there are still chips and tiny fragments missing), but it's there. This is me in every sense.

Only I'm effacing the reality, because I don't want to breakdown and start drowning again. Yes, I'm ready to hack blogging now - that's a difference; but I'm still flailing wildly against the quicksand of despair and screaming desperately as I try to prop up the crumbling citadels of hope and faith.

Lying is so much easier. It's pain-free, care-free, and un-stressful.

I need to talk about Conference. How wholly unhelpful it was. How hurtful it was. How much it brings to the surface everything I'm trying to force back under the water with all my might in the hopes that it will finally run out of air and just DIE.

But it never will.

It fights, and kicks back, and I'm just not strong enough to beat the Goliath; even if I am David.

My old Bishop -friend and more- called me last night, and I spoke to him of it. For the first time. My facade dissipated and I became real for a brief, choking moment. As the Assistant Director of the counseling department of BYU, he talks to people like me all the time. And he told me that he's having the SAME conversation with others. The SAME one.

But... I'm not ready to talk about that. Not yet. But it's coming soon.

Like a child growing inside of me, except it's fully aware; kicking, and tearing at my insides, until it finally rips its way outside of me. It's only a matter of time before that happens, and my guts and blood, and dripping soul will slather the pages of this blog for your prying, wondering, hopeful... pitying eyes to read.

Far from Home ~ Closer than We Think

2009-03-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

This is how I really feel...

FAR FROM HOME - Classic Crime's EP, pre-2nd album

I’ve got a bad
Taste in me
It’s like I’ve been robbed
Of something I once was
In my childhood memories

And it’s buried in sandboxes
Backyard where we used to see
That dreams could come true
If believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

I’ve got a bad
Pain in my heart
It’s like the first time
That I looked in your eyes
The first time
It all fall apart

And it’s buried in sandboxes
Backyard where we used to see
That dreams could come true
If believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

But now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll
Save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

Now
We are so
Far from home
Far from home

But now we are so
Far from home
Far from home
Far from home

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

Now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

Now we are so
Far from home
Far from home

CLOSER THAN WE THINK - Classic Crime's 2nd album

What's it gonna take for me
On my hands and knees
While all the poets fill pages of loose leaf
I feel cheap, and I feel empty
We will bathe in the sea of disbelief
But we will not go quickly.
No, we will not die so easily.

And I knew that this would happen
It always does
And I couldn't stop my reaction
So I let it come
I let it come

I still hold the belief
That we are free,
That we don't need the rules
To see
That despite what we've done
We're not alone
We're closer than we think to home

It didn't take me long to believe
That I could do anything,
Turn the songs up loud
So we can sing
I am true
And I am living
We will walk through the valley
Of the shadow
Of the boring
And burn it all
No, we will not go quietly

And I knew that this would happen
It always does
And I couldn't stop my reaction
So I let it come
I let it come

I still hold the belief
That we are free,
That we don't need the rules
To see
That despite what we've done
We're not alone
We're closer than we think to home

To home, to home
To home, to home
To home, to home
To home, to home

Across the water you call me
But I'm not listening
As I sink down
Water fills my lungs
As I begin to drown
I knew that this would...

I still hold the belief
That we are free,
That we don't need the rules
To see
That despite what we've done
We're not alone
We're closer than we think to home.

Public Eye

2009-03-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Of hiding. Of fighting. Of pretense. Of debating.

So I'm just going to open myself. I have nothing to hide. Let all who wish to follow do so. I welcome your support, thoughts, prayers, constructive comments, etc.

One step closer to being the real me.

Bring on the public.

Remade Frustration - Questions

2009-03-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

My stomach hurts; what else is new?

Turtle and I had a number of discussions after Prayers for Bobby on faith, and the Church, and eveyrthing else. Doubt is rampant. My testimony muddled. My confusion...unending.

I sit in Church every week and feel little, wishing to be elsehwere. Watching, listening, taking note. There are very few true Christians there. People going on and on and on about Nature of God this, I know Joseph saw that, but like Tommy says, how is that adding to their growth and movement in the Kingdom?

As I half-listened to the testimonies today, I thought about going up there. About talking about being a true Christian. About pleading with the people to return to "a hospital rather than Pebble Beach". But I didn't. Honestly, who would listen?

Every day that Scot and Rob, and others, are prejudiced against, every day that Prop 8 creeps up in conversation, everyday people get in trouble for trying to make a difference, then what's the point? In Sunday School we were talking about "The True and Living Church" which my teacher hated, so she changed the title to "Church Organization ala Restoration" which I felt was much more fitting. We were reading in D&C 20 which is basically the Church's "Constitution" and outlines the formation of the Church, then goes into the Plan of Salvation.

31 "And we know also, that sanctification through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is just and true, to all those who love and serve God with all their mights, minds, and strength."

32 " But there is a possibility that man may fall from grace and depart from the living God"

33 "Therefore let the church take heed and pray always, lest they fall into temptation"

34 "Yea, and even let those who are sanctified take heed also."

I found the part about the church falling into temptation very interesting. Zion's Camp failed because of the dissidence and unbelief in the church, well, when I look around now, all I see is pride and self-righteousness. Sure, there's love and support, but honestly, deep down, I only remember one testimony today given where I said to myself, "That man is a Christian, and believes it."

This past weekend riled up a lot of thoughts in my mind. I went on the Father/Son campout, held on an island in the ocean, which was pretty cool. But I didn't relate to many of the men there; no, talking to the kids was far, far easier. None of the men made any effort to include me, or carry on conversation either. One man did invite me to sit down, and then about 6 minutes passed in silence, the two of us just sitting there. I've been having alot of doubts recently wondering about my future children and if I really want to bring them up in the gospel and the church. I mean, it's a great place, right? It protects them, and teaches them how to stay afloat in a drowning world, right? But I just don't know. One of the little 7 yr olds I befriended had on a bracelet that said "Future Missionary" and I just wondered. Is this right? Is this okay? Is this the way it should be? What does this boy whose head is already filled with dreams of being a great missionary bringing people to the gospel know of equality? Or true charity? Of undying, unbiased love? Anything?

I find myself growing more and more dissatisfied with the solitary stance that our Church takes. One of the testimonies that really bothered me this morning was a man who was going on and on about the misfortune in his neighborhood, and the economic problems, and the relationship difficulties, etc, etc, etc and then he went on to profess how blessed he was, how BETTER he was, just because he's a member of our Church. I was extremely bothered by that. And then as a ward today everyone was fasting for those who were struggling or having trouble, and I just felt like they were once again trying to assert their superiority because they have blessings and the others don't. Where's the Jesus Christ in that?

I've been fighting with my mom alot recently too, which hasn't helped me. Once Turtle left I decided that the "remake" of myself lay in me and only me. I mean we wholly determine our attitude, circumstance, etc; that's why agency is so amazing and powerful. So that first day I woke up early, made my bed, cleaned my room, went for a bike ride, went swimming, took a shower, and felt really excited for the day. Then came the brushes with my mom, who for some reason has taking to picking at me. For the way I talk, the way I dress, she even yelled at me one evening for the way I was sitting on the couch. That really offed me. She goes on and on about respecting her, about this is her space, this is her house, and clearly, I have NO place in it. She cannot have respect for me and accommodate me within her threatened respect. So I felt shattered, and closed myself off in my room, since it's the only space I have here that's mine. Were moving possible, I would have already done it. Were going elsewhere possible, I would have done that too. But I have no one here; nothing. So I'm stuck. The next three days were spent in my room, behind a closed door, feeling completely unwanted and unwelcome. Then since I wouldn't speak to her, my mom took the fight to email. It was incredibly draining.

And just yesterday I went to the grocery store, and I believe this is partly due to watching all the little ones scurrying around at the campsite, but I'm becoming resigned, and it scares me. Utterly frightens me. I've been thinking about the future, and if we go into the Peace Corps, I'll get back and be almost 28. And then I started to despair. Be honest. I'm not going to have kids, am I? I'm already 25 and I'm not going to be one of those happy people married young with beautiful, hyper kids disrupting church meetings. I am beginning to accept the entirely disheartening reality that I will never have children of my own. People say that if you can dream it, you can do it... so where' my confirmation? Where's my solution? Why can't I have what I want most? Why am I denied such happiness? WHY DAMMIT?

Conference is looming on the horizon, and I'm scared out of my mind. This will be the first year in 7 that I'm not attending in person at the Conference Center. I have a friend in Michigan who keeps calling me, wondering why I haven't made "right" with the Church. When I was at BYU I made some mistakes, and if I'm honest, has compromised my Church worthiness, which is why I don't participate in anything, or use my priesthood ever. She's been waiting for a year now for me to get "back on the path" but I'm fairly certain that will lead to excommunication before I get my temple recommend back and can have fixed everything that I've broken.

I'm not even sure I WANT to. I don't know where I stand with the Church anymore, as alot of bloggers have been wrestling with as well. Are we wrong? Is this really the path to hell? Can I really turn my back on what I've believed for so long, so deeply? How many times have I wanted to before and failed? Will this be my breaking point? Why do I have to have such a conviction and surety? Why can't this just be easy, and I cut the ties and free myself from pain and guilt and suffering and prejudice? Damn this church for the beliefs it has given me. Damn this church for instilling them in me from my youth. Damn me for believing in them soul, heart, might, and mind.

So General Conference is coming, and I'm wondering what will be said. Will I feel sick like previous years? Will I cry? Will they address what I need them to? Will God finally talk to me through his chosen prophets? We sang "We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet" around the campfire on the trip, and I was hesitant. Then it was the closing song in Sacrament today, and I didn't sing. I DIDN'T. Because I don't know. Do I thank God for a prophet? Do I even believe in Thomas Monson as a prophet?

So I'm drowning, I'm breaking, my remake is shattered in pieces around me, and I'm beginning to give up on dreams that I don't see happening - even though I want them more than anything else on Earth.

And then I got to Priesthood. It was combined, unexpectedly, I guess the Elder's Quorum Teacher didn't show, and it was on hope. Which we had in Elder's Quorum about 4 or 5 weeks ago. But I guess I still need it. Hope. I hate hope. Just like I hate faith. Because they are part of the chains that bind me to truth, and peace, and love, and this damn church.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."

How? How can I continue to hold on to that which drains the life from me and is filled with two-faced lying, hurtful people?

Albert Camus said, "In the depth of winter, [we find] within [us] an invincible summer." But I don't. I don't have that. I just have a flickering flame that's dying, that I sometimes wonder if I myself have blown out.

President Uchtdorf counseled in the last General Conference that "there may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope. Like Father Abraham, we will “against hope [believe] in hope."

That's all I have left.

I pray fervently that Conference will not destroy me further. But it may be the final decider where my feet next take me. And that, is soooo scary.

Prayers for Myself

2009-03-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

It happened. I can't believe it finally happened. I've been trying since I got here for my parents to sit down and watch Prayers for Bobby with me. I think it partially due to the fact that Turtle is here it actually happened, otherwise they would have found more excuses or reasons not to. My dad was supposed to be doing Board of Reviews for a bunch of Scouts tonight, but he got a sub so that he could be here for this. Thanks Dad!

Before I go into tonight, I want to take a second to talk about the First time I saw Prayers for Bobby. I borrowed my Grandfather's car to drive down to Salt Lake where I met D, Scott, Sarah, and their kids. We stopped at McDonald's on the way up, and poor Sarah spilled water :( But it only made me love her more. The frantic scramble and dashing about reminded me of my own parents, and of course - being the 2nd of 7 - and loving kids, I settled right in with Lil' S to play on his Leapster. He was so super cute. It started snowing pretty hard on the way up the canyon and we got a little nervous, but Scott was an amazing driver and got us there in one piece. When we turned on our tv at the cabin we found out that our rush hadn't done us any good because it had already started! Oh no! I was devastated. But luckily, it was going to play again right after. So we played with the kids for an hour and then settled in.

Prayers for Bobby was indescribable in its impact and profundity. As mentioned last time, I cried so hard my stomach hurt. The movie was perfect in every way, and I related with Bobby as I have not to anyone since reading My Name is Asher Lev. Gut-wrenching, heart-rending complete relation. His pain was my pain. Even tissues weren't enough.

I've expressed this before, but I'm going to do it once more: Thank you Scott and Sarah so much for that night. You may never understand just how much it meant to me. Then when we went back of course the snow got worse, and I "tragically" had to stay an extra day and play with their kids. I also got invited to family dinner, which proved to be awkward and a bit discriminatory, and prompted Scott to send a letter. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend and will be eternally grateful to both Scott and Sarah for their love and assistance.

Now then. Scott gave me a copy of the movie right before I came here, and tonight we finally sat down to watch it. Tonight was the night because the kids are all gone at Scouts, Mutual, or work. But we didn't have a full 95 minutes, which is how the long the movie was. So we wanted to have it set up beforehand. The dvd player wouldn't read, but the disc worked great on my laptop. So then my lil bro set up the playstation and it loaded the play screen. We thought everything was great, but when my dad finally got home, and the kids were off, the disc would say read error anytime we clicked play. Agh.

So we ended up watching it on my laptop. 4 people huddled around, lol. But it turned out okay. I bawled as much as last time, and Turtle was right there with me - she actually cried even harder, if that's believable.

My mom HATES HATES HATES sad movies, and I had warned her beforehand, so I'm so grateful to her for sacrificing and watching it with us. She didn't cry (that I saw) like Turtle and I sobbed, but it still had some impact. When it was over she said, "You were right. That was a really sad movie." That was about all she said, then withdrew. But I didn't expect anything more from my mom. She takes a while to process and open up. I'm hoping for more conversation in the near future with her. Oh! I almost forgot. I knew she was enjoying it to some extent (my mind had only pictures of them being scathed and offended by the club scenes or the kisses) because with 20 minutes left we had to pause the movie because the kids were done at the church. There was a brief chat of who would go and who would stay, and my mom voted my dad since Turtle didn't know how to get to the church. Then as soon as he got up, she said, "Okay, continue. Don't leave me hanging."

When my dad got back with the kids, things progressed as normal until they were all in bed, then he came to my room to watch the last twenty minutes. When it was over, he said, "Powerful message." Then he just kind of sat there in silence, and I could tell he was thinking, so I bit.

Me: "Penny for your thoughts? Here, I'll even give you a quarter." He didn't take it, but he did smile then said he didn't really have any coherent thoughts just then, but that he did take away this:

"Sexual orientation doesn't determine a person's worth, they're still a person."

Then he went on to explain it was like Mary had said about people born with no arms who get ridiculed or discriminated against. He even mentioned curly vs straight-hair people. They didn't choose that, that's just them. I almost burst smiling, because this level of acceptance was never anything I'd heard him say before. But I had to know more, so I asked: "But are all they ALL things you can accept outright?"

He didn't say yes right off, but dodged a bit. He said, "You can accept, like understand and love, but that doesn't mean you embrace." Because apparently embracing me is too much to ask...my burst of smile was quickly snuffed out. However, I refuse to give up. I still hope deeply for the day when my parents can be like Mary and be proud of my difference.

He continued, "Accept is like being indifferent about it." He thought a second, then amended, "But at least it's not rejection."

Me: "But I think indifference is worse." (ie, more painful, hurtful, etc.)

Dad: "Yeah, I can see that. It doesn’t give you anything to fight for or against. It just is." It really doesn't. To me it's almost as effective as being ignored. I'd rather you outright reject me than keep around and just be 'meh' about it. I think that the line that still has the greatest impact on me is when Bobby's sister tells him she won't ever change and that he won't ever be welcome at Christmas or Thanksgiving with a boyfriend. That's still how I feel with my family, though I give them credit for not trying to bury me in religious healing.

Dad: "I don't know though that I can agree with what Mary tried to say about knowing from the beginning. I didn't." My inital thought was that he just didn't want to and that's why he says that. I also called him out by saying, "So when I came out to you, it took you completely by surprise?"

He relented that no, he knew then, but if we went back to when I was a kid he wouldn't have guessed, or expected it. Which is funny to me, because my brothers totally saw it way back then. And I definitely wasn't ever interested in sports or anything uber-macho like that.

Me: "I knew when I was 11. It’s in my journal. I wrote about it. But I sure as hell wasn’t telling any of you, because I felt just like Bobby. You’d hate me, reject me, kick me out, call me Evil. So I buried it. Deep as it would go. Ran and ran and told myself it wasn’t true. Me? I’m not gay. Until on my mission it came back full force to slap me in the face. And then when I got home and moving on to the next 'phase of happy mormon life' wasn’t working... I decided to be honest. Completely. Get out the box and bring it forward and accept myself and that's what I did." It was neat to be able to color in just a few more of the black spaces in my life for my dad so he had a more complete picture of me. He knew about my experiences on the mission, and after, from our summer together in '06, but didn't know anything before that.

His last comment was: “Good story.”

Me: “Yes. And a true one.”

Dad: “One that’s happened probably hundreds or thousands of times.”

Me: “Almost hundreds and thousands plus one.” That kinda hit him, and he looked at me somewhat surprised.

Dad: “Well, I hope you stay with us.” I shook my head.

Me: “There’s nothing to worry about anymore.” (Just a lot more work to be done between us).

Dad: “Good. You still have a lot of stories to write.”

Then he left. I wasn't impressed; mom and dad didn't hug me and say sorry at all, but honestly, I don't feel letdown either. I feel like after it was over we didn't really dig into the issue like I'd wished, but part of that was because I was comforting Turtle. By the end of the movie she was inconsolable, and seriously cried at least a half hour after it was over. She just didn't think that it was fair so many people had to hurt so badly, and we make it worse for them by our hate and discrimination. We had a good chat about that and how it's not fair for her to say that her pain has been any more or less than ours; she's been through her share of hell too. She's taking time now to question her faith in hopes of finding the deeper faith that Reverend Whitsell spoke of.

My response to her, my father, and Mary is this:

I will not give up on love. I think every time before I say Amen, and definitely always listen. My dreams won’t die. I’ll carry them on for Bobby and anyone else who didn’t get the chance.

Most of all though, like people who feel the utter need to bear their testimonys for fear of being ungrateful to God, I must cry out from every fiber of my being: Thank you Mary Griffith. Thank you Bobby.

Continuance

2009-03-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

I have alot to say... I just don't want to.

I'm debating, toying, mulling on what to do with this blog. Should I make it public? Delete it? Continue on with the two active readers I've still got? Sigh.

I got hit by a car, and I'm sick of talking about it, so if you don't know, that's all you're gonna get. Sorry.

So now I'm back in Florida, at my parents. Reliving the summer of 06. Except this time I can't walk, so in some ways it's worse. I don't know. My parents took steps back then to accept and understand, but often, it still seems like nothing is different.

One of the first nights I was here, I asked my dad if one of my uncles knew about me. When he got what I was talking about, he was like, "Oh, you mean your leaning."

Excuse me? My Leaning? My inclination? The way that I have decided to move myself? I was so incredibly insulted by his comment. I couldn't believe after all that we've done that he would still say something like that.

Since coming here Feb 13th, I've tried to get my parents to watch Prayers for Bobby with me, but with no luck. They just avoid. Put it off. Make an excuse. When I saw it with Scott, Sarah and D it was INCREDIBLE. I cried so hard that my stomach hurt after. Prayers for Bobby is just BEAUTIFUL. And I want my parents to see it. I want them to understand more. To understand better. To reopen the discussions that I die to have, and they avoid.

And yet, as mad as I get at my dad... he does great stuff too. He built me a desk. He pulled me around the neighborhood in the little red wagon. He totally bought me an 8-pack of "contraband" soda pop I've been craving that my mom would never ever buy.

The good and the hurtful mix together and I no longer know how to look at him. Do I give him credit? Do I hate him for being so hurtful? Do I just write him off as imperfect? But in which direction?

It's just confusing, tiring, and still, even after all this time...painful.

Resonance

2009-01-19T12:23:00.000-08:00

I... I can't stop watching.

I've watched this 25 times now. I just hit replay over and over and over. I haven't seen it yet and I've already cried. I want to see this more than anything else I've ever wanted to see.

I just...

"Accept me as I am or forget it."

"I won't have a gay son."

"Then mom, you don't have a son."

"Fine."

...this is my story.

And I want more than anything to see it. Is anyone in Utah DVRing this? Want to kidnap me for the weekend so I can watch it with you and cry?

BEING ME IS SO HARD.

Reflecting Pool

2009-01-06T06:58:00.002-08:00

I'm at the airport. On my way home.

My trip this year has to be voted better than years previous.

I can confess that I had fun. I enjoyed myself. I didn't look at porn once (which I am particularly proud of, since all previous trips have included nightly self-destructive behaviors). I didn't keep my room very clean (which I'm NOT very proud of). I didn't think of committing suicide even once.

I got a tan. :)

There were bumps and rough times, but overall it ended up being a decent stint.

Knowing the uncertainty that I'm returning to, I actually spit last night that I'd rather stay in Florida with my family than go home. Which is... unthinkable. But true.

Half of me even wants to move home (but not live AT home)...

When I was on my way here, I professed the desire/need for something, anything to be different.

I'm chalking it up to the fact that I got out of the house this time. It was not all sitting, all waiting, all video games, all StarCraft (though we did that, but moderately, which I'm fine with). I played frisbee. I went geocaching. I went skateboarding. I went to the beach. I went to rock climbing. I played Sardines.

And now... back to uncertainty. Can I get a new job? Can I keep living where I am? If I can't, where do I go? What do I try next? Where should I apply? Everyone wants me. Everywhere.

I have more to say. But I'm not ready yet.

HELL

2008-12-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

It's happening. Same as always. Breakdown, sick feeling, system shutdown, I just want to not be here anymore. I hate this place and it's pretty damn good at hating me back...

There is one small difference. I've come to a realization. A weight has been lifted.

It's NOT MY FAULT. I'm not the broken one here. It's everyone else. My parents are fighting. In my 25 years of life I don't remember them ever fighting. But they haven't spoken to each other in 3 days. I fail to comprehend how this is possible. You sleep in the SAME BED for God sakes. How can you sleep with hatred boiling against the one next to you? Whatever happened to the counsel of never going to bed angry at your spouse? There doesn't seem to be an end in sight either. It's disconcerting, heartwrenching, and HELL. I love my family because they are a base, a support system for me when I am in trouble. But I look at them now and see only broken pieces. They are broken.

My little brother is annoying. He and my older sister are constantly fighting. And when they aren't my 2 sisters are fighting or he's bickering with my little brother. And my younger sister is amazing at bitching about everything. Sometimes my brothers even fight. It grates on my nerves like cheese.

Today my mom came to me and yelled at/confronted me about a christmas ornament that fell off the tree 3 days ago (my fault). Now it got broken somehow (NOT my fault) and she's blaming it on me. She came outside where I was working a puzzle to avoid interacting with the people who can't do anything without squabbling and just about threw it at me. She did raise her voice and she did call me stupid to my face for not picking it back up because I have no "common sense." Her comments were mean, uncalled for, and they sent me into complete shutdown mode, which Turtle witnessed because I was talking to her on the phone when my mom appeared out of nowhere in cyclone anger mode which she has been in since midway through Christmas day. The shutdown was unwanted, but also unconscious...it just happens. I was quite pleased with how I conducted myself. I didn't get mad, I didn't raise my voice back, and I remained civil, though I maybe shouldn't have quipped, "So you're going to hate me forever now also?" to which she did not respond.

Realizing that it's not me, and that it's them, has raised a lot of questions. Do I even love my family? When they act inappropriately toward me and speak to me in demeaning ways, is that somewhere I even want to profess love? Should I withdraw from them completely? Are they even worth investing my love in? The familial bond is strong and makes me want to, but now I'm doubting. My mom has vowed based on the drama explosion that was Christmas that she will NEVER get over what happened, and for the last three days I have watched hate, rage, and anger bubble in her heart and soul and pretty much consume her. I know for a FACT that she is using anger as a shield against the pain that she feels, but she has really just been a beast since Christmas. Originally, the morning after she got mad I tried to reach her in her pain, but was rebuffed and pushed away. At one point I asked casually if she was going to get a divorce...and she wouldn't answer. When she almost broke down bawling, I tried to give her a hug and be supportive and she yelled at me to just "leave her alone." I want to help, but now that she's turning her anger on me I'm shutting down (I don't do rejection, let alone being demeaned) and I don't know what to do. I do so much to help others, I love unconditionally, but this? Turtle says it's because I'm strong. Well I am but still, no offense, God really sucks sometimes. My parents? I'm supposed to come between the two who are supposed to be one and patch and fix and mend and heal? Why the hell is this MY calling? No one else gives a damn enough to even try, but honestly...this could actually break me.

My lil bro has an apartment this year and he cut out yesterday when it all got to be too much for him to handle. He's offered to let me escape there, which is becoming more and more appealing the more consumed my mother is, but I don't want to abandon my other siblings.

I don't know what to do. Other than cry, and try to stop feeling sick. Not my fault, not my fault. Was it any of the other years? Or is it trying to function in a broken environment that cripples me everytime?

9 days... God that's too long.

Homecoming.

2008-12-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

I'm scared sh*tless.

I'm going home. And much as I love my family, that ALWAYS = HELL.

When I go home, I do not go to friends. I do not go to a place a love. Only the people I care about most. My parents moved in 2002, and I have hated Christmas since. That's why I only go once a year. Because that's all I can take, and usually, it still ends up being too much.

Since coming out, things have only gotten worse. And worse. And worse. This is NOT my home, it is just where my parents are. There is no one here but them, and when I want to run, I have nowhere to go. I endure, I try, but somehow, something always ruins me.

The normal Christmastime visit usually involves little-to-no-sleep, crippling depression, lack of eating, lack of desire to do anything, at least 2 fights, me wanting to die numerous times, and hours and hours and hours (read: days) of mindless game playing to try and hurry time up so I can go home again and back to my life.

Stagnant.

That is how I have always described my Christmas visits. And those are the ones that don't involve fighting, misunderstanding, or the like. I love my family to death, but I hate that place. Last year I went for 10 days and came closer to suicide than I have ever been. It was just that bad.

No matter how hard I try, that place is only associated with bad memories. Fights. Tears. Pain.

Anger. I am a very nice person, and I don't get mad. Like ever. But whenever I do... it's B A D. People get hurt. Things get broken. Last year I smashed my laptop screen to smithereens. On accident. That only made me more angry and despondent. I hate going home.

This year, I'm praying desperately that something will be different. That somehow they will understand me better. That I can discuss how I feel, and my struggles with being a gay Mormon without it devolving into fighting.

Please God, this is my prayer to you, that somehow - any way possible - this trip, this visit, this year... that it will be different. Please God.

Maybe.

2008-12-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

I cried tonight.

I have no idea why. All of a sudden, I was just...crying.

It's so heavy sometimes. It pushes down on you. Yes, you can escape, you can lessen the impact - focus on other things, but it's always there. Aching silently.

I'm totally depressed tonight and I have no idea why.

Maybe I'm hurting for others.

Maybe I'm hurting for myself.

Maybe I'm lonely.

Maybe I'm tired of not knowing what's happening next.

Maybe I'm sick of no longer having a job that was supposed to be stable, and wondering when the power is going to get shut off as the snow keeps piling up.

Maybe I'm done with waiting for paychecks that I never see, and unsure why I'm still here, but without direction in where I am needed, what I should be doing if my place is no longer here.

Maybe I'm worn out from trying to reconcile two things that fit together only if you don't pay attention to the details, and choose to ignore the inconsistencies, the problems, the forfeits, and the cancellations.

Maybe I just needed to cry.

Runner-Up.

2008-11-18T22:24:00.000-08:00

KUER's most recent radio show with Dan Fabrizio is out.

I listened to the whole thing. Why?

Because I was approached Elaine Clark, the Senior Producer of the show, to be interviewed for this segment. Apparently, one of my old professors name-dropped me to her, but gave her the wrong email. Then Elaine went to CLP, who had my right address, and we got in touch.

Most of the people on this bit were pretty high up, pretty important, pretty posh. So that's probably why I didn't make the cut. Elaine mentioned that she might not need me, if some of the other people came through. I'm glad to have been thought of though, and deemed important enough to have email correspondence with the Producer.

It, however, reopened the can of worms and pain I'm trying to close. My grandparents live in Logan, and I have countless friends and family in both SLC and Provo who do not know about me. And quite frankly, I know some of them would not understand if they did, which is why I have not told them.

This "opportunity" resurfaced my struggles from when we assisted in amending BYU's Honor Code back in 2007. I was in the thick of that one, and repeatedly got calls for interviews for everything from the Tribune to Sunstone. They even ran a blurb in TIME. Back then, I was still a student at BYU, and so there was still much more "closet" surrounding me, which resulted in most of the interview opportunities being refused to protect my anonymity. However, I am mentioned in "general" in many of the news articles (one of three who participated in discussions and the walk, yeah, me) surrounding the time, and talked with tons of reporters.

I think, overall, it's better that Elaine never called me like she said she would to pursue using me for this interview. I don't think I could have been anywhere near as emotionally composed as the people in this radio show were. Prop 8 hits home, and it hits deep. And I hate everything about it. Although, I think I would have done a much fairer job in fielding some of the questions presented in what seemed to me to be more of a one-sided conversation than anything else... but what can you do? It's conservative Utah :P

Oh, that and the fact that in her email to me she was told that I apparently supported Prop 8 and that's the angle she was really interested in. Well, I was. For like, a day? Yeah. But then there was more to the story, and I ended up nowhere. And wanting a gun.

I'm sick of all of this, and wish Prop 8, and hate, and bigots, and close-minded people, and riots, and violence, and fighting would all just go away. And that I could patch up the holes and wounds and lost friends and estranged family and broken pieces of my heart and just... stop... hurting.

Damn this almost-interview for just digging all of that back up again...

LOVE

2008-11-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

Saw this quote today on my friend's aol icon:

"It's funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces."

I couldn't find who said it, but rumor has it that it's from Twilight, in which case I'm going to be absolutely sick. Because I hate that book. And that crappy woman who can't write who authored them. Don't even get me started.

Anyway, that quote is how I feel about the church.

Why? Why can't I just fucking walk away?

Because of people. People like Young Stranger. And -L-.

I love them with every ounce of hate I feel.

I cannot give up.

Breaking Point...

2008-11-13T20:22:00.001-08:00

I just don't know how to do it anymore... how to stay IN.

How can I continue in this church? I'm beginning to understand more and more why others cut their losses and redefine their concept of happiness. It's coming to that more and more every day for me...

My former friends are being cut one by one. Over and over. They send me emails without thinking, that are like pouring vinegar and salt on my open wounds and I choke with pain, tell them to f*ck off, and thus ends our friendship. Or as mentioned before, they try and defend something they haven't even bothered to study or learn about...

And then this. An email my aunt sent this morning. She doesn't know about me, so I can't be super angry about it, but really...it just makes me dig deeper into myself to try and find the broken pieces and the parts that are dead. Am I past feeling?

"From: Ben Hansen Subject: L.A. Temple

"As additional information for those who missed the news, Mormons have been targeted by the gay community in California as having been the main impetus behind the passing of Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage in the state. Although the population of the state voted on the passing of the constitutional amendment, I will proudly agree that most of footwork was carried out by us. It's funny that our opposition knows where the credit is due, but that's another topic for another day. In light of the gay community's frustration in the passing of the proposition, our temple came under attack. I was at the Los Angeles Temple assisting in the security efforts and it was quite an experience. Our temple is safe and no damage was done on the grounds. It was a sight I never expected to see. At one point we had let in about 20 police vehicles through the gates because they were afraid their vehicles would be damaged as civilian cars were being vandalized. I removed the Utah plates from my truck just so I could drive through the mess and park blocks away. My roommate and I traveled on foot after we had changed out of our dress shirts and ties so as not to be targeted.

"Two full squads of LAPD in riot gear set up their base inside the temple grounds while SWAT vehicles and hundreds of officers followed the crowds run up Santa Monica and Wilshire Boulevards. I've heard that the crowd was estimated to be over 2,500. When I arrived, all of the gates were shut and a small group of members had to remain outside the grounds as the direction was to turn away others who had come to assist. After about a half an hour two sister missionaries ran up the drive to the East gate. I would have made more jokes with them, asking them trivia questions to prove they were LDS before opening the gate, but they were obviously nervous and had left on their name tags as they wandered the streets. When the crowd turned back towards the temple from West Hollywood, we opened the gate to those members still outside so they would not be trapped in the crowd. The officers inside the temple grounds made a line on the front lawn by the fence. At one point, with 7 news and police helicopters overhead, the crowd began to climb the fence and it looked like there was going to be a lot of trouble. We had it seemed a good forth of a Polynesian ward there so it could have gotten very interesting very fast.

"With lines of motorcycle cops with sirens wailing up and down the street with the latest outbreak, helicopters continually circling with spotlights cutting through the sky, and the crowd roaring being led my megaphones shouting every synonym they could think of that went along with "evil"...it almost seemed like the very end was at hand. My dad called me every few minutes to give me updates from live news through the Internet because we did not have TVs and the police did not even seem to be informed on the movement of the crowd up and down the streets. I relayed these updates directly to the head of temple security so we could anticipate when to be ready. My friend and I joked about what would happen if we were caught in the middle of the crowd rushing up the lawn. We decided that because we were still single without much luck in finding wives, it might be to our advantage to go without a fight and die as a martyrs. If I remember correctly, that's a free ticket to the Celestial kingdom and I'm sure there's plenty of girls there to chose from without the dramas of dating.

"While I was there, I was not aware of anyone actually breaching the fence, but we were asked to move far across the parking lot as they were anticipating the need to shoot tear gas canisters. I never thought I would see the day when police officers would sit perched on the spire of our temple as lookouts. All of this happened at about 7:30 pm. It should be remembered that most likely many of the law enforcement were not in favor of our stance on Proposition 8, but nevertheless, the men and women were there doing their duty and protecting our property. For that we are grateful. And yes, there was an incident with some of our members who had gone to remove the protest signs from the front fence. One of the protesters did initiate physical contact with one of our sisters so the details are uncertain as to whether the response was fully justified. The lesson to be learned is that it's important to anticipate and avoid such confrontational situations. Remember the world is watching our reaction and the media is everywhere. In the end, when we keep our cool, the video footage speaks the truth regarding which side is really intolerant and appears hateful when we simply do not respond or do so in a loving and controlled manner.

"In all the commotion, I had the chance to sit alone by the side of one of the fountains and take in all that was happening. It may seem strange to say, but despite the adrenaline rushing in my blood ready for the next incident or next bit of news from my dad; I felt a tremendous peace. It came over me in a wave as I looked up at the spire topped with Angel Moroni. I can testify that I felt the presence of others protecting the temple tonight..those we could not physically see. I would even go as far to say that I felt the presence of someone personally related to me who was there for my safety. We were not alone. We were protected and our Father in Heaven is mindful of our efforts and willingness to withstand persecution. As I later read a quote from Brigham Young, it made more sense why this did not have to be a fearful experience- exciting yes, in a urgency sense, but very clarifying as we were able to glimpse into things as the really are, truth as is really exists, the adversary's war as it really is raging. I wish everyone of you reading this could have been there just to be reminded as I was how real this war is. The great sadness is that so many of our brothers and sisters are unknowing participants, manipulated and deceived by the grand scheme of it all. The issues may be presented as complex, but the adversary's agenda was as clear as day. Be prepared friends and family, it's bound to get much worse before it gets better, but take council from a prophet:

"'You that have not passed thro’ the trials and persecutions, and drivings with this people from the beginning, but have only read them, or heard some of them related, may think how awful they were to endure, and wonder that the saints survived them at all.—The thought of it makes your heart sink within you, your brain reel, and your body tremble, and you are ready to exclaim, "I could not have endured it." I have been in the heat of it, and never felt better in all my life; I never felt the peace and power of the Almighty more copiously poured upon me than in the keenest part of our trials. They appeared nothing to me.' ( Deseret News Weekly, 24 Aug. 1854, 83). (L. Aldin Porter, ‘"But We Heeded Them Not",’ Ensign, Aug 1998, 6) -Brigham Young

"-Ben"

They are doing it.

They are using this as the fuel for their self-righteous fires of indignation. We are being persecuted by the evil ones. We are standing strong against Satan and his forces.

Well, I'm vomiting all over my floor right now, and it's mixed with my tears. And maybe soon, my blood.

This ripping, this tearing, no one can endure it...I must choose a side, but when I did that, I came back to the middle.

"I wish everyone of you reading this could have been there just to be reminded as I was how real this war is."

This is war, remember? Us vs. them. There's no love, no reconciliation, no way to continue without lying and being false. I DON'T SEE HOW.

When I read this, I didn't have any spiritual experience. I didn't feel warm and fuzzy about the souls from the other side protecting the temple from the evil vermin that I know I am.

I felt sick to my stomach. As usual.

I haven't cried this hard for this long in more than a year. Why? Why does the pain and hatred continue? I want to to just be...

...done.

"A Little's Enough"

2008-11-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Two days ago I recieved an email from the "No on 8" people that I did not want to hear, and still don't know how I feel about it. They will continue to fight, as we have seen with the recent protests and marches.

However, the end of this particular mail said:

"We achieve nothing if we isolate the people who did not stand with us in this fight. We only further divide our state if we attempt to blame people of faith, African American voters, rural communities and others for this loss. We know people of all faiths, races and backgrounds stand with us in our fight to end discrimination, and will continue to do so. Now more than ever it is critical that we work together and respect our differences that make us a diverse and unique society. Only with that understanding will we achieve justice and equality for all."

Why? Why do we have to have hope like this? Why do we need to be nice and understanding? Why can't we get out our guns, continue to abandon the principles we hold dear of true christianity and just hate, hate, hate? Why are we being nice about this? Why are we better than our hate? Why do I have to keep being strong? Why can't I just give up already?

Sometimes I hate having an unbreakable spirit.

But under my surface rage, kicking out at friends, and my bubbling hatred, I'm just...like Beck. I can't.

So here's to another whisper of hope:

"When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light

"It's like the best dream to have
Where everything is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say:

"I, I can do anything
If you want me here
I can fix anything
If you'll let me near

"Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself.

"Green trees were the first sign.
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with brightest eyes
Like turning water into wine
The children ran to see
Their parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The Earth itself then came alive

"I, I can do anything
If you want me here
I can fix anything
If you'll let me near

"Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself.

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad.
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough.

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad.
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough."

(Instrumental)

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad.
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough.

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad.
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough.

"I'm sorry I have to say it (just a little) but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone (just a little), I noticed it bad.
The cure is if you let in (just a little) just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough.

"I'm sorry I have to say it (just a little) but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone (just a little), I noticed it bad.
The cure is if you let in (just a little) just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough."

~"A Little's Enough" - Angels & Airwaves

Suicide Note

2008-11-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

Another blogger first. I give you, VIDEO.

If I were going to commit suicide (which for those of you freaking out and worried right now, is not at this time any more plausible than it has been in recent months), this would be the note I would leave my broken, battered, bloodied self:

"Couldn’t save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
All the time has passed you by

"Ooo, for so long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

"You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done is forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that stands forgiven

"I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can’t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the greatest escape
To chase your demons away

"Ooo, for so I long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

"You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done is forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that stands forgiven

"Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?

"You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done is forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done is forgiven."

~Forgiven, by Within Temptation

Maintenance: Feeder Reader Note

2008-11-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

Well this is the first post of this kind. Un-emotional, un-angsty, rather technical in nature. It appears that you cannot add my blog to your google readers, because of it's private nature. There is a remedy to this in that I can in fact create a list of emails that are sent messages everytime I blog. Theoretically, you should be able to label/forward those to your google reader so they miss your inbox...

So I have already added Scott since he's the one who brought this up. I can email 9 more people. Just say you wish to be updated about my broken existence and it shall be so.

"Happiness is a warm gun."

2008-11-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know where to begin. What to say. How to feel better.

Hate and discrimination are alive and well. And I am so alone. I live in a place where no one can know me, I am forced to be just as hidden as I am on this blog. They are all too republican, and too Mormon to understand, or accept. My uncle just the other night in passing, mentioned a man he knew whose daugther was gay "but she got her life straightened out [how ironic, what verbosity!] and got back to the temple." I can say nothing here without it destroying me. The one cousin I did manage to trust enough to tell, refused (even with lengthy discussion) to believe that this was not a choice... dear Lord.

Prop 8 passed. And it feels like there is a knife in my heart that I cannot for the life of me remove. Anger burns within me, and I don't know how to make it go away. Or if I even want to...

The day before hate reared its head for inequality, a friend of mine with whom I'd had a number of thoughtful, heartfelt discussions with, emailed me. Again it was sincere, open, and honest. Why she was voting yes.

People are just so torn. The lines of battle are so marked. How can you look at this as anything but war? And me... caught in the middle again... or am I? When I received that email, my thoughts frightened me. They still do. My first reaction was that even respectfully siding against me, I would shoot her because this is war. If it came down to it, I would take a gun and I would shoot her.

WHO AM I? I stare at my own hands, and no longer recognize them. Thank God I am here, and not in California, for I surely would have been driven over the edge... and no longer here.

I have not felt this way since I came out. I thought hell was done. I rebuilt my world, I re-found happiness. And now it is dead all over again. Stomped to pieces by those who call themselves my friends, by those I worship with every week in the hopes of finding non-existant peace.

The day after, when I was feeling so hurt, it was compounded by otherwise "well-intentioned" people I once called "friend." Now? I just don't know.

One told me to go picket, to go snipe mormons and their brainwashed children. After I cut off that conversation, they emailed me to tell me not to give up. And included an article about people who became straight. Well F**K that. And that's exactly what I told them. Another tried to say that the church's positon was misconstrued and that the church's leaders stance was respectable members extrapolated the untrue conclusions. And another left me the message: "if you're going to say that everyone who supports Prop 8 is a bigot, then I'm a bigot. As you know there are lots of arguments for both side sof Prop 8, and both of us are probably very firm in our opinions...it's not something I'll ever avoid talking about with you, if you want to talk to me about it, but I just wanted to say thanks for the new name."

How the hell am I supposed to just continue being friends with these people? How am I supposed to act like nothing has happened? Like they did not fight to hurt me? Like something has not broken in this world that I don't know how to fix? Am I being selfish here? Am I just an asshole? Why does this world have to be like this? I just want to be done with all of it. With everyone.

My friend who sent me the heartfelt email ironically captures my exact feelings and understanding: "Society cannot accept homosexual marriage as normal. It will be our downfall. Mosiah 29:26-27. The prophets are put in place to warn us of things we cannot foresee."

Yes, this is our downfall. But not in any sort of 6 ridiculous consequences kind of way. No, this is going to be a different downfall. And far worse than anything like a little kid knowing what that in some places "men marry men."

For two days I have just watched movie after movie after movie. And after that I switched to cartoons. And when I was done blocking "friend" after friend," I went to my brother who stands by me without hesitation (and is also no longer a Mormon, which seems to be ther direction I am increasingly heading), knowing that he would listen to me. He listened to me recount how I felt, about my "friends" and he, yes, he put words to my pain:

"It hurts because the people who are supposed to be supporting you and helping you on your journey through life have let you down."

He told me it was probably coming to the point where these "friends" get cut out of my life; I did not disagree. Then he got all senseical and told me that violence was not the answer and that I'd do no one any good behind bars, and I yelled at him for being senseical.

His final comment to me: "Time heals all things."

This brought to my mind my favorite movie, The Power of One:

PK: "Sir, if we let them get away with this, on our own ground, it will never change."
Professor: "History disputes you."
PK: "History takes too long."
Professor: "Yes, I know it does. But it is never kind to those who try to rush it."

Peace is elusive, hate abounds, I feel evil, and my friends hate me. Or are pushed away by me, because I don't how to deal with them right now.

Time will change this, and heal my wounds.

But time takes too long... and if I try and rush it, I just end up hurting more. And more. And more. I'm so f**king done with hurting.

"Just because you were hurt, doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed" - Secondhand Serenade

2008-11-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

The eve of...

I want it all to just be done. Over. Finished. I am sick of war, sick of debate, and sick of the empty pit in my stomach that never goes away long enough for me to feel better.

What's next? Where to?

Serendipity shows me this.

Scott shows me courage unprecedented.

The other Scot documents whispers of hope.

And yet... how long must I cradle my whispers of hope against the shadows of screaming hate which threatens to blot out everything else?

Is this the edge of the cliff? Where I fall? Say goodbye to my family? The church? Everything I've ever loved and held dear?

Where and how do I find the succor of solace?

I have been sort of on hiatus. I visited my Bro in Seattle. I've read 4 novels. Watched 5 movies. Anything somewhat mindless... just to forget for a moment. Any acceptable "drink" to satiate my burning soul.

But the war is not going to drag on - at least not this piece of it. It will be resolved by tomorrow's end. On the eve of such an unprecedented election, I do the only thing I know how.

Keep running.

I hate being gay and Mormon. More than anything else on this planet, I hate it...

Yesterday in church it was testimony meeting. Nothing on Prop 8. WRONG. A lady got up and driveled on about her son in California. Standing at the pulpit she had the audacity to say: "My son was telling me this story about his son who is 12, and heard one of the 'yes on 8' ads, and said to him: 'Dad, what's that?' My son explained it was a law to keep 'men from marrying men' and 'women from marrying women.' His son looked at him and said, 'Dad! Why would a man want to marry a man?'" She said it in the most condescending tone, as if was the funniest joke she'd ever heard. Like the very notion was absurd. Like that kid was the smartest kid ever.

I just sat in my chair, fists clenched, trying to keep my vomit in my mouth, even as I thought the answer: for love. For real, true, valid, actual love. WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT? DAMN YOU PEOPLE! DAMN YOUR SELF-RIGHTEOUS JUDGING! DAMN YOUR IGNORANCE! DAMN YOUR HATE! I wanted nothing more than to get up right then and bear MY testimony like Scott did...but I just got called to teach Primary... I get to teach the little ones! I love my calling! And what would these backwards, 1000% red, prejudiced, close-minded people say if they found out that the teacher of their precious kiddies was a G A Y? *gasps*

The woman who spoke in California two days ago was absolutely right:

"I know that the 'Yes on 8' campaign has made it extremely difficult for gay and lesbian Mormons, their families, and their friends to feel the love of God at Church. The divisive spirit of the 'Yes on 8' campaign has in fact created deep divisions within our congregations and families."

This is tearing us apart. Literally. I just...I just don't know how to be strong anymore. I'm glad this is over, because I can't do it anymore. I'm done walking on the knife edge. I'm falling, I'm bleeding, and I'm dying. Amid the overwhelming pain of the future I unhappily face, I did find one precious moment of respite when I was relaxing after church:

"I've gone so far from my home
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know

"'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding
Bleeding and falling apart

"And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
But I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons

"We are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
And be growing young...growing young

"I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you it ain't worth what it costs
I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much

"And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry

But I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms

"And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now
What it was that made me wait so long

"And what kept you waiting for me all that time
Was your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will you take me back now take me back and let me be your child

"'Cause I've been broken down, I've been saved
Learned to cry and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning

I'm learning even I can be changed

"Everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry

I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and he watches down the road
To see his crying boys come running back to his arms
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young"

--Rich Mullins, "Growing Young"

I'm ready to be done. I'm tried of crying. I'm tried of hurting. I'm ready to go home. To be held, to be loved, and to have my tears wiped away.

And to finally feel what I have only ONCE in my life...

...peace.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

2008-10-31T01:18:00.000-07:00

To celebrate all the other ghoulish posts about the season, I think I will do a first for my blog. Pictures.

I want you all to see how incredible and amazing I am.

Thus, I give you: Pumpkins.

Well, that wasn't so hard... just took forever to upload. Oh well, comes with the connection. I'm grateful I have one at all.

Anyway, they each took 2+ hours to carve (except the house which only took 1.5), so I put on my headphones, jammed, and made a day out of it. By the time I carved the skull (pics appear in the order they were carved), I had broken my saw and was just using the tiny blade with my fingers...which kinda hurt. Sacrifices, sacrifices. :D

Worth it. C'mon, make my ego bigger. PRAISE ME!

~Hidden

W A R 2

2008-10-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That's how I really feel. I just don't know what to do anymore and it's making me insane.

I've spent TWO WHOLE DAYS now just completely vegging in front of my computer and watching cartoons on youtube to try and IGNORE this damn conflict. I'm so sick and tired of conflict.

*SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS* CAN'T WE ALL JUST STOP FIGHTING ALREADY?

Whatever happened to Chrisitan values, to love, to everything we need to keep it together in this darkening world?

"I have much to say, but don't really know how to vocalize the pit and ache in my knotted stomach. I'm doing so good. My commitment to God is stronger than it has been in so long. That's not the problem....Once again lines are being drawn. People are reaching for weapons."

These are NOT new words. I've said them before. Almost one year ago.

Except when I'd said them I had made a decision. Picked a side. And that side was gospel. Gospel truth and light instead of the desire and want of my heart. The war then was among my friends, but now it's widened. It's spread. It's gotten bigger.

It's getting harder.

The war is everywhere now. All around me. Family members voting yes. Friends calling people to get their yes vote. Some stand true. Some follow me wherever I go, and hate that I'm not sure anymore. I hate it too, trust me!

I chose a side. I stuck to it. But how? How do you continue to hold onto a church that refuses to hold onto YOU? How do you continue to follow and believe in something that seems hell-bent on crushing you?

"No" has to be the answer! There's no other way! I'm ready to donate. I'm ready to go! I'm ready to protect families that I acknowledge as valid and maintain equality for everyone!

...

And then I see bloggers like View from the Crow's Nest and Bravone (who commented on Crow's blog) standing for YES.

And it all comes crashing down on me again. Where I stood. Yes. In harmony. With my uncles, and my family... but against my friends and other families.

WHY DO THERE HAVE TO BE SIDES IN THIS STUPID FIGHT? WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO GET HURT? I JUST WANT TO LOVE EVERYONE!

Turtle chatted me today from Israel. We got in a fight over Prop 8 last night. I told her I was back to no and she couldn't believe it, since I had finally (through the result of our tumultuous night and the weeks following) gotten her to agree to yes... but now... I decided maybe I was wrong.

She just barely learned to accept herself and has started growing by leaps and bounds in the gospel (and she just read The Giver because I asked her to, so that's the reference to the red sled below, and she has jewish heritage so that's why she doesn't write the word God); she responded with an email after I said I didn't want to talk about prop 8 anymore. Here's a piece of it:

"I hate that I don't understand all of his plan- I'm frustrated by pain even though I supposedly understand the purpose of pain and trials. I was content to vote no on prop 8 (even though I knew that might not be the choice He wanted) until Hidden flipped to voting yes, and then about a week later I too was willing and I decided to vote yes. Now he is back to 'no' because the Church's campaign is wrong. I can't just change my opinion every time he tells me to. I feel like part of me has ALWAYS wanted to vote no- even though I came around to voting yes after he did. I wish I could better feel and trust the spirit so that I know what He wants.
"Hidden said that it's not about attraction- it's about being like G-d and being His children. And I guess that is it- that is the bottom line. We are as G-d, we are His children and He loves each one of us. We are here to do HIS work. That is what Christ came for and that is the mission of all the prophets- to bring about His work.
"It's not about our physical bodies and trials, they suck and are stupid and crappy, but they are all covered by Christ. He suffered all that we have ever and will ever suffer because of our natural bodies. In that we are more blessed than anything- holy cow the Gospel is amazing! We have the blessing of coming here and having bodies, and we have all the joy and wonder associated with that, and all the pain and sin and anguish is taken away in Christ. In the end that leaves us with the good parts of having been here, and having been here enables us to become gods. He wants us all to have what He has, but He takes the everlasting pain and damnation we have to suffer to become like Him. Our temporary pain enables us to help others- to cling together in love and unity. He gives us experience, memory, help, and strength so that at the end we will know what to do with the red sled that He has left for us. In the end our mortal (normal, regular, not evil, not perfect) selves will be shed and all will be made up- every loss compensated. Whatever that means about sexuality, all our mortal anguish will be compensated for and in our spiritual bodies we won't have that anguish. We have to come and deal with our physical bodies to go home and we have Gospel standards regarding these bodies. These rules and covenants help us to feel G-d here and help us to return to Him with less pain, anguish, and separation from Him after death. When our natural selves contradict with the Gospel standards, that is the pain Christ suffered for us and that is the anguish that will cease to exist when we shed our mortal bodies for immortal and spiritual ones.
"'Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment…And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.' (DC 121:7, 122:7)."

She bore her testimony to me and told me essentially that she cannot flip just because I do (which I agree with) and that she would continue to support the yes now that she is there...

I don't know what happened... all this war and rage and turmoil just exploded I guess and I totally lashed out at her - with the purpose of hurting her! (after all my efforts at control, I'm still just a stupid weak human!) - until she would come back to the truth of the matter and vote no because of how many people were being hurt.

I totally made her cry and feel absolutely sick to her stomach...because I wouldn't stop hounding her. I was so desperate to make her see...what have I done?

I stare at my hands. And I don't know what I see anymore. Was my uncle right? I really don't know who I am???

Is this it? Is this where I break with the church? Is this where I lose my family? Is this where I go back on my choice last October? Is this where I find what people call happy? Or is this where I become eternally lost in despair? Where I stand up and keep fighting for what I want to cling to? But how do I go forward to a forward that just isn't there?

I'm sick of war, and I'm sick of fighting, and I'm sick of turmoil, and a gun just looks more and more and more appealing. DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS IS DOING TO US?

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sometimes being an beliving Mormon non-acting homosexual who can't stand war is just SHIT.

$ $ $ Why...

2008-10-14T14:53:00.001-07:00

From doc's blog:

"To see a list of those who have donated to 'YES ON 8, A PROJECT OF CALIFORNIA RENEWAL' go to the California Secretary of State page. Click the 'contributions received' bubble under the 'View Information' section. Below that there's an option to download the Excel sheet of donors, so you can then alphabetize the list(I alphabetized the list by city). I found out my uncle and brother that live in California both donated $100. How upsetting that they would donate money. I can only guess how much time they've donated. At least I know where they stand now."

My uncle donated $1,000 to the yes campaign. BOTH OF THEM.

The one leading the charge... and the one I trust...ed.

I don't know what to do at all anymore... but now I feel like I NEED to donate to the "no" campaign. Goodbye $1,000? That's only half their damage... I just don't have $2,000 though.

Excuse my language: BUT I FUCKING HATE THIS WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[...]

2008-10-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

From a comment on the FMH blog: "It must be horrible to feel that the church you believe is TRUE also condemns you at every turn..."

Prop 8 came up in Church today. I don't live anywhere near California anymore. They wanted volunteers. To contribute to calling trees.

I work with the 2nd Counselor in the Branch Presidency. Imagine my discomfort when it was he who stood up and started spouting off the "6 Ridiculous Consequences of Prop 8" I've done my homework. I've read up on this subject. I know the truth. So why don't any of them?

The longer this goes on the more I want to hang myself...

God grant me strength.

RAGE: unresolved turmoil - more Prop 8

2008-10-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I either want to die, or I want Prop 8 to die. Sometimes both.

I spent hours agonizing in August about this issue; even with my supposed decision, I read and read and read about people's lives and families being destroyed and I watch videos that make my skin crawl because of their blatant lies and political rhetoric, (which if the misinformed Mormons who are answering the "call" and filling my inbox with emails about voting "yes" would take a moment and read up on, they would understand my point...) and I balk and vacilate with indecision and questioning. Aporia bubbling under the surface of my confusing existence.

I love my church. I love my testimony. 34 million dollars. Political involvement by a strictly non-political entity rationalized away as "a moral issue." How do I stand? Where do I root myself? How, how, how? Why?

I am now party to the atrocious sin of hypocrisy. I say that I have decided -albeit grudgingly- with my testimonial roots that are important above all else and show me the way to walk...

and then I get another vote yes on 8 email. And I can sit no longer. I lash out. But in the other direction I just linked myself with... GAH. I hate everything.

Below is what I responded... to my ill-informed friend and everyone else in his address book. (Fair warning: Don't send political-based rants to me without BCC your address book. I am very adept at copy/paste and "reply all").

Note: This email was a conglomeration from all over. A post by Max Power. Carol Lynn Pearson's most recent newsletter (which is saved in my email and I'm not linking that...), tenets from mormonsformarriage.com, with my own ranting and raving thrown in...

I refuse to let this one go by unnoticed.
I sit here and watch this go on and on and do nothing. It boggles my mind that we as a church can recite the 13 Articles of Faith, but we don't seem to actually believe number 11: "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."Isn't this AofF about agency? About choosing? About the right inherent in it? You don't have to like gay marriage. You don't have to accept it as part of your beliefs. But you do have to respect the freedom of choice that God gave all his children in this life. I do not agree with gay marriage. I do not support gay marriage. But I refuse to support the restriction on man's free will and God-given right to CHOOSE. That just seems too much like Satan's idea of life to me.I am ASTOUNDED that our "politically-neutral" church is making such an effort to spread lies and hate among its people in order to garner support for this cause. It's just incredible. Half of the junk swirling around this issue is inherently false and if we as members took 30 minutes to do our homework we'd know that.
I appreciate the sense of duty and activism regarding this issue, but this is killing people we love and I cannot stand for that. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am active and faithful and hold a temple recommend. I know the church is true, and as much as I wish it wasn't sometimes so that this wouldn't be so hard, here I am. Do any of you even understand what it is like to have the same faith that is the source of joy and peace overwhelming you with anxiety and sorrow? No, I don't think so. I'm being asked to support a cause which will only compound those feelings among people who are gay. This type of rhetoric in my opinion further encourages hate and discrimination. The Church officially discourages these types of behaviors and I wholeheartedly agree with them, but something has to be said for the seemingly "green light" that has been given of late for homophobia and fear tactics.
Carol Lynn Pearson, a dear friend of mine (and also an active member of the church) recently wrote: "I received an email from a woman in Utah and, with her permission, share part of it here: 'I was intrigued by what you said about the California matter [constitutional amendment to insure against gay marriage] and bringing more love to the earth. I'm in agony over the suicide death two months ago of my youngest son, Marshall, age 25, a gay student who was a senior in chemical engineering at the U of U. He knew all about spreading love, but didn't feel enough in return to keep him going. Laws such as this one they are proposing give us a lot of room to evaluate our values. I put my son's statue of Buddha out in my flower box as a way to honor what he would have done.
"He always put statues out to watch over the flowers in the apartments he rented on the Avenues of Salt Lake City. On my refrigerator I have a package of flower seeds marked, in his writing: 5/1. That was the day he was going to plant them. He didn't make it that long, so I'll plant them for him--next spring. My two daughters and I will each plant some of his seeds and watch them bloom in Utah and Virginia.'"
That email broke my heart, as did the conversation I had recently with a woman who told me that a few years ago in her neighborhood in Bountiful, Utah, there were suicides of three LDS gay young men. And the conversation I had the other day with a woman in my own ward who told me her two gay nephews had both taken their lives. I am outraged that Marshall could not plant his flower seeds, outraged that his community did not offer to him the fertile soil he needed in which to grow and to bloom. And deeply saddened that so many other gay men and women have fallen and had no one to pick them up and carry them a ways, fallen from injuries we ourselves have inflicted upon them."
In a discussion with a friend I brought up the fact that this summer may be one of the hardest ever for Gay Mormon Californians, and she got upset because she does not agree with people blaming large institutions for causing the actions of others (ie, suicides). Her argument was that they still have their agency and they make the choice. What I find stunning is she did not feel that the Church going after the institution of gay marriage and placing blame there for the destruction of the family was the same thing. But if you think about it, it is. One group blaming another for the deterioration/impact on another. "Gay Marriage will destroy the traditional family! Prop 8 is a must-have to protect marriage between a man and a woman!" Yes indeed, we would not want to jeopardize the sanctity of Brittney Spear's 55-hour-just-for-fun wedding. I am astonished how selective and choosy Mormons seem to be on issues such as this. Have you even thought about what your support of this issue means? Have you considered the implications? Do we really want the government to be able to define what is and what isn't a morally justifiable lifestyle? The primary responsibility of government is to defend and protect our inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and the primary role of the Constitution is to limit what the government can or cannot do. Constitutions are not places to delineate what citizens can or cannot do. If two consenting adults wish to marry, do we really want to grant the government the power to prohibit them from doing so? Moral issues such as this are best discussed on a personal level, and not legislated by the government; if the government gets into the business of defining morality, what becomes of individual agency and responsibility. And who, exactly, will define what is moral and what is not?
Have you fulfilled the admonition in D&C 9:8?
# We are not to follow the prophets blindly:
* Elder Boyd K. Packer said, "We are following the admonition of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 'I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.' We should not, according to the scriptures, need to be commanded in all things." (See D&C 58:26.)
* "With all their inspiration and greatness, prophets are yet mortal men with imperfections common to mankind in general. They have their opinions and prejudices and are left to work out their own problems without inspiration in many instances." - Bruce R. McConkie
* "If Joseph Fielding Smith writes something which is out of harmony with the revelations, then every member of the Church is duty bound to reject it. If he writes that which is in perfect harmony with the revealed word of the Lord, then it should be accepted." - (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols., (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1954–56), 3:203–204 ISBN
0884940411)
* "The greatest fear I have is that the people of this Church will accept what we say as the will of the Lord without first praying about it and getting the witness within their own hearts that what we say is the word of the Lord." - Brigham Young
* "When churches or church leaders choose to enter the public sector to engage in debate on a matter of public policy, they should be admitted to the debate and they should expect to participate in it on the same basis as all other participants. In other words, if churches or church leaders choose to oppose or favor a particular piece of legislation, their opinions should be received on the same basis as the aopinions offered by other knowledgeable organizations or persons, and they should be considered on their merits. By the same token, churches and church leaders should expect the same broad latitude of discussion of their views that conventionally applies to everyone else's participation in public policy debates. A church can claim access to higher authority on moral questions, but its opinions on the application of those moral questions to specific legislation will inevitably be challenged by and measured against secular-based legislative or political judgments." Dallin H. Oaks, "Religious Values and Public Policy," Ensign, Oct 1992, 60 [1]
# We are to be champions of equal rights for all:
* Joseph Smith declared in a statement published in the June 1, 1842 issue of the Times and Seasons (vol. 3, no. 15, p. 808) that he and other members of the First Presidency were "friends of equal rights and privileges to all men."
* President John Taylor said, "When the people shall have torn to shreds the Constitution of the United States the Elders of Israel will be found holding it up to the nations of the earth and proclaiming liberty and equal rights to all men". (Journal of Discourses, 21:8)
* Hugh B. Brown of the First Presidency said in October 1963 General Conference, "We believe that all men are the children of the same God, and that it is a moral evil for any person or group of persons to deny any human being the right to gainful employment, to full educational opportunity, and to every privilege of citizenship….We call upon all men, everywhere, both within and outside the Church, to commit themselves to the establishment of full civil equality for all of God's children."
* On December 15, 1969, the First Presidency issued an official statement on civil rights. Latter-day Saints were told, "Each citizen must have equal opportunities and protections under the law with reference to civil rights."
Again, I do not agree with or support homosexual activity, but neither do I believe in the perpetuation of homophobia, or restricting the ability of other people to choose either. So where do I fall? Who do I support? This is a very, very difficult issue that makes my stomach twist in knots and my throat feel dry and I am unsure how to proceed. I just pray that the latter-day saint body will stop and THINK and listen and ponder before they act blindly in crushing so many people. It will touch all of us….sooner or later. If not in our own families, in our ward and stake families there are people grappling with this issue. Some have been cast out from homes - from parents, from siblings, from the very people who are supposed to love them the most, to deal with these issues on their own. We can be shepherds to these Children of God by showing an outpouring of love.
~Hidden

So now I don't know what to do. Or if I really stand where I say I stand. Or if I'm going to hell for being a hypocrite.

I just know that I hate prop 8. And I'm kind of glad that I don't live in California anymore, because then I might take a gun with me on November 4th and either shoot everyone else... or myself... and none of us want that...right?

STAGGERING: Aporia's Rebirth (Prop 8)

2008-10-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: THIS IS A *LONG* POST. Maybe the longest in the history of blogger. But it's long overdue, because it happened on August 24th. It's a post that will be incredible. And controversial. It's about Prop 8. And my testimony. Please plan some time and then actually READ this...it took me forever to write it after all :P

Honestly, I'm not even really sure how to start it – where to begin – by what manner I can hope to have this make enough sense for anyone to understand where I am and how I got here. A lot of it doesn’t even make sense to me. If I hadn’t just experienced it, I doubt I would believe it. But I did. And I do. Just like Joseph,

“I have actually [experienced this]; and who am I that I can withstand God or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually [lived]? For I had [experienced this]; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation” (JSH 1:25).

Which—before I even get into it—I should mention that word, “condemnation.” What I have just lived leaves me wondering how the hell I’ll ever get anyone else to understand it or see the way I see. I am bracing myself for the confusion, the recoil, and the controversy that will surely swirl around this assertion of myself and who I have decided to be, yet do not wholly know how much I can prepare myself for the backlash that will invariably wound me.

With my recent discontentment on Prop8, I resolved to speak to my uncle—not the uncle I was having problems with (that’s a different Cali uncle), but the one who’s helped me so much in the past. Surely if anyone would understand Prop 8, if anyone could help me know where to go and what to say to respond to my other uncle, if anyone would be able to assist me in communicating with my parents, it was to be this uncle. How right I was.

And how sorely, sorely wrong at the same time.

Interestingly, on this trip to visit him my uncle called me a few hours beforehand to tell me a family friend had called and wanted to take them out to dinner and he invited me along; to which I readily agreed. We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. The food was pretty good, but I wasn’t overly hungry since I’d eaten lunch out with Vi, and had breakfast out also.

Somehow Prop 8 came up. I cringed. Felt sick. Got quiet. Didn’t know what to do. The friend’s kids asked about it and the dad emphatically said, “The prophet said we need to support it. That’s all you need to worry about.” Really? Could it be that easy? That mindless? That unthinking? What about reason? The role of agency? Weighing? The opportunity to check your spiritual moorings? Shouldn’t this be just a bit more complicated than he was making it?

I sure thought so. I made that clear with an email opposing Prop 8 sent to people in Turtle's ward when they said the same thing:

"I appreciate your sense of duty and activism regarding this issue, but as Turtle pointed out, this is killing people we love and I cannot stand for that. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know it is true, and as much as I wish it wasn't sometimes so that this wouldn't be so hard, here I am. Do any of you even understand what it is like to have the same faith that is the source of joy and peace overwhelming you with anxiety and sorrow? No, I don't think so. I'm being asked to support a cause which will only compound those feelings among people who are gay. This type of rhetoric in my opinion further encourages hate and discrimination. I know the Church officially discourages these types of behaviors and I wholeheartedly agree with them, but something has to be said for how the members act and why they apparently feel that it is okay to treat others in the hateful and disrespecful ways that they sometimes do." (The full email is available upon request, but is way too long to include in full, especially with how long this post already is).

Dinner ended up being taxing on me, and not just because of Prop 8. That man, who I’m sure is loved and respected by my uncle seemed to me nothing more than a bad father and it was torture to watch him and listen to him interact with and mistreat his children. His son confessed that he’d seen the new Batman movie and he father demanded to know how. He evaded the question and his father asserted his authority, “Answer the question right now, son.” He confessed he’d seen the movie downloaded from the internet. His father replied, “That’s illegal. A sin.” I just listened, said nothing. They harped on their kids for their grades as well, because they weren’t doing well enough. Well, I wonder why not. The kid wasn’t even failing. He just didn’t have A’s.

When that bout of torture ended, another began. My uncle was sitting in the living room and I went down there and he said the time was mine, he had no plans. I asked could we go upstairs, since my 17-year old cousin was there; it wasn’t particularly something I wanted to discuss with her around. He agreed and we went upstairs. I felt nervous like anytime I have a serious, somewhat awkward conversation – how do you just ease into something like that?

So I asked him how he was and he chatted a minute to update me on his life. He took the bait, and asked me how I was. I spouted off about work, about Turtle; pretty much everything being great. Oh yeah, except Church. The one place that’s supposed to uplift me, that’s supposed to help me, to heal me, makes me feel like hell. Mostly when they bring up Prop 8. I launched into my feelings on Prop 8, and all the Grassroots work going into it. I told my uncle that this was hurtful, even when/if it didn’t seem like it.

My uncle is incredible, and I hate when he asks questions, because I never have good answers for them. He started by talking about when he thinks. Oddly, the best time for him to think about things is apparently when he is plugged into his ipod and mowing the lawn. Anyway, he’d been thinking the other day about all he’s seen in the course of his life, and then recounted to me many of the things he’s been through in his life, including where he was the day blacks were authorized to receive the priesthood. One of the most significant events for him was the proclamation on the family, which will be celebrating its 13th year this September. Essentially Prop 8 revolves around the proclamation, and the declaration that marriage is between a man and a woman. My mom tried to say that Prop 8 was about defining marriage, I felt it was about restricting agency. My uncle said it was about the family. He then asked me why God created the family? He exists without beginning or end, has been around forever, and has progressed far beyond any of us. So why did he, in his infinite wisdom, in his eternal love, and in his omniscient understanding, create the family? I didn’t have a ready answer. There are many I think. To give kids an environment to grow and become stronger in, to learn to support someone else, and love them more than yourself, to be able to relate to and struggle with other people, the list goes on and on.

My uncle’s answer was Moses 1:39: “For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” This are clearly not the same thing, or they would not be listed together. Immortality = never ending. Eternal life doesn’t. It’s a kind of title. I’m not going to go into the whole proof here, but basically Eternal can be equated with God, so Eternal Life can be understood to mean a life like God’s. God’s life. Never ending life like God. Well how do you achieve that?

Lorenzo Snow felt he understood this achievement when he declared, “As man is, God once was; As God is, man may be” (See Q&A #2)

To achieve his design, his plan, his purpose, you have to have qualities like him. Do you really understand what that means? To be like him? We all understand physical differences between men and woman. But God made man and God made woman. Different designs. He has wisdom, knowledge...trust?

My uncle then likened this achievement to being a part of a grand institution which has prescribed requirements for belonging. IBM, apple, the LDS church, all prescribe ways of living and being to be in harmony with their designated policies. Everybody has to fit inside the box, whether its a group, an organization, or an entire society. My feelings were, I want to. I love my church. I want to fit, I want to be worthy, I want to be righteous, but HOW do I achieve that? How do I change what doesn’t fit to do so? This reminded me of Peculiar Mormon’s old blog entry:

"I had 'the talk' with Mom this morning before we went to the temple. I'm so sick of crying. I told her how I feel about life right now: that I'm walking on a knife-edge, and I'm damned if I fall either way."
"Right now/knife edge=living celibate...not getting in trouble...only problem is that I feel like I'm really walking the figurative knife...and my feet are cut so badly. I fall to the left, and I live the lifestyle. Maybe I'm damned for eternity for rejecting the gospel, and maybe I actually end up miserable in this life...but from the experience I've had in the past year, going towards that side is the only relief I've had from this blatant self-hatred. To my left is continuing to "fake it" but I won't "make it," I don't feel. If I keep on grinding myself against the wall that is the church, looking for some hole to squeeze through and find my salvation, I'm going to grind myself to paste before finding anything. And by grinding myself to paste, I mean killing myself.
"So it's spiritual death, or physical death...and we only live once. There's not point to living miserably...right? I suppose I could try to live "happy," but I never really know how over the guilt I'd entirely be able to get. That, and the eternal "what if's." Then what if I end up killing myself. I know, I know, cop out. Thing is, I'm scared of effecting more people negatively. I'm scared of the negative influence or affect that I have on anything. I don't want to damage anything else. It might sound like it's ridiculous, but you know how it's not considered murder if it's in war? Or how it's murder to shed "innocent blood?" I don't see myself as innocent blood. Sure my homosexuallity isn't something that I picked, but I feel like it's made me tarnished...impure and imperfectable. I'm hoping that when I do die, I'll be able to fall down at God's feet, and just cry, and hope that I'm enough...hope that I'll be able to be raised up, and hugged, and told "yes, you did well. You're enough, now take some rest. You've done enough." I guess I'm hoping there'll be some sort of grace for my huge faults. I can hope."

How do you walk that line and not be suicidal? How do you endure that much, for that long?

My uncle chalked this up to identity, that I didn’t know who I was. Needless to say, I was pretty offended by such an assertion. He’s been onboard with my journey for quite awhile, and you’d think that I know who I am. Since October, without looking back, I have moved steadily and actively forward – I love me, and I’m happy. I have no qualms. I know who I am, and I love it. Where is the conflict in that? Where is the identity confusion? He said he heard me saying I want more than anything to be in the church, but something prevents that, and he asked what. I wasn’t sure how to answer that either so I replied that it was my gayness, and he emphasized that he felt strongly I was trying to live in both worlds. I was a little taken aback with that too, especially since it reminded me so much of my dad.

Journal Excerpt August 21, 2006: “After reading my essay (my original thoughts on being gay, which was what CLP read and used for No More Goodbyes), I asked my dad what he thought. He said, ‘Well, I’m analyzing (which he wasn’t supposed to do), but it seems like you are trying to have one foot in both places, and that doesn’t work.’ Then he said, ‘But if I say anything else, I’ll be fixing, so I guess I can’t.’ That made me smile. It also struck me. Can someone explain to me that if my life is so completely based on achieving balance, why THIS is the one place I CAN NEVER HAVE IT?! That doesn’t make ANY sense to me! It makes me mad too! WHY NOT???” (vol VII.A, p. 2).

I was determined to prove my Father wrong. I would be the first. I would find balance where no one else had. I tried it, and it didn’t work. I’d thought I resolved it. But here it was again? The biggest and hardest thing for me at that moment was that it seemed my uncle was saying basically there really is NO place for gays in our church. Seriously. So much for love and understanding! I was pretty much flabbergasted at his response.

He then went back to Moses 1: 4-9. Here God tells Moses three things:
1. Moses is a Son of God.
2. As his son, Moses is in the similitude of Christ.
3. Christ is full of grace and truth.

In the Bible Dictionary under grace, it says:

“It is through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.” (BD, p. 697).

Likewise, in D&C 93:24, truth is defined as: “And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come” (p. 182). So understanding these pieces helps you see that you too have a work. What is it? "What is my work?" he asked. I responded, “I believe it’s to help other people. To help them learn and grow and understand and be strong. Change the world in little ways that make big differences.”

He went back to verse 7 in Moses: “And now, behold, this one thing I show unto thee, Moses, my son, for thou art in the world, and now I show it unto thee” (p. 2). Again. God told Moses who he was. Understanding this is VITAL. Who are you vs. who do you want to be? When are you going to make that choice? Take that step? Have that resolve?

My uncle brought up the covenants I made in the temple, asking me a question he’d asked previously: “Do they matter anymore? Do I still believe in them? I said I would be obedient, I would sacrifice, live the gospel, be chaste, and consecrate my time and talents. Am I honoring those covenants? Am I keeping my word? Being true to self?"

I was reeling at this point with the questioning of my identity and who I am. Temple. Promises. Self. Which self? What self? Who self? Do I know who I am? I thought I made a decision to move forward with the church last October. I resolved my identity and moved forward. Maybe not? AGH.

All that aside, what I needed most from him was counsel on how to approach my family. I told him about my other uncle and the family newsletter where his activism for Prop 8 was creeping in, and how I felt obligated to respond. But how did I go about that without throwing bullets?

He asked me do I determine what they think and do? No. Who does? They do. And myself? Who is responsible for what I think and do? Me, of course. Right. The responsibility lies within each of us. I can’t think their thoughts, can’t determine how they will react or think, or be.

He reasserted understanding Christ’s enabling power, that he can do anything and I just sat there baffled feeling like my uncle whom I trust and love was telling me to have more faith and believe more that Jesus could heal me and I could get over being gay. Was this conversation really happening?

He then said, “To get peace you have to get perspective.” I immediately thought, what perspective? Change it to what? Believing I’m not gay? That I have just been deceived/confused by Satan about who I am? That these feelings aren’t more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt? Incredible.

He quoted the scripture, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He told me to pray to know the answers, to know what to say, and to be ultimately responsible for it.

Throughout, my uncle brought up his recent girl’s camp experience where they’d done an iron rod exercise with the girls. They had to wear blindfolds and were told, “Don’t let go of the rod ever.” There was a part where the rod went down some stairs and people were positioned there to say, “Hey, there’s steps here. Just give me your hands for a second and I can help you down.” He was amazed at how many people let go to take the hands and the help...abandoning the rod. They had to take off their blindfolds, go meet with the bishop, and then he could reinstate them on the rod, but they didn’t get their blindfolds back. Those who stayed on kept going, and came to a point where their blindfolds came off as well. Ron’s commentary on this was that at the very end he could no longer tell who had let go and who hadn’t. God treats all fairly and equitably.

My uncle had been up since 4am and was pretty much falling asleep as the conversation went on, so he decided to leave it as it was, and give me time to think; we’d talk again tomorrow. I was left wondering, wanting, and feeling sicker than I had in a very, very long time. What had he just told me? Had he helped me? Why didn’t any of that make sense? I had no words, just a pit in my stomach... how did I begin to make sense of what I’d just heard? The only word I could come up with was staggering. I was staggering.

I had to get away from there. Now. I said I was going for a walk to think about things and called Turtle to come get me. She came over and we drove away, deciding to drive the 50 minutes up to the Lick Observatory which we'd talked of doing, but had decided against.

I told her how I felt: Shaken, staggering, reeling, I had no words. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, how to respond. I was totally at a loss. I told her I thought I was ready to vote yes on Prop 8. I was also more ready to leave the church than ever before. I expected her to freak out about me changing my mind but she voiced that she’d received a prompting about 2 hours earlier telling her when I came back that’s what I’d be feeling. Interesting. She said neither of those made sense, but to me, yes they did. You cannot have both. There is no place for gays inside this church. Voting no on Prop 8 and being a Mormon don’t match up. There is dissidence there people are sweeping under the rug. There’s conflict there people are ignoring. And I couldn’t anymore.

The drive was frustrating beyond belief but I tried again and again to make sense of my conversation. Turtle made a very poignant comment and everything clicked for me. I am amazed and flabbergasted that I could be here: “Voting no on prop 8 is easier.” What the f...yes. Yes, it is. It’s just like the people who take the prop at face value, and say, “Prophet said, that’s all I need.” Here, I am taking the stance that this is hurting my friends, it’s hurting me, so I’m voting no. And I breathed in sharply and deeply and couldn’t believe that I could ever be here. That I could ever act like this. That I could ever be so freaking strong. She also continually brought up the fact that when she feels like she did then, she wants to run out and do something bad; she wants to sin on purpose, but knows she never will.

I then likened my place to my decision in October to stay with the church. I know who I am, I’m not confused about my identity, I’m not lost in conflict; I know who I am, and I recognize my attraction for men, and I CHOOSE something different, because that’s how much my testimony matters and how much this church means to me. I fulfill the scripture: “[Obedience] is better than sacrifice” (Samuel 15:22) and I stomach the pain and heartache not having what I want brings, because I choose to want the gospel more. And so now on Prop 8. I realize that I want to vote no with all my heart. I want to oppose it, I want marriage equality, I don’t want anyone to be hurt ever by ignorance and misunderstanding and prejudice, and... I choose my church. Damn my faith. Damn my resolve. Damn my testimony! I never in a million years would have imagined being able to be in a place like this. I am ready to vote yes on prop 8 because the apostles have spoken, I have made covenants, I have reasoned, weighed, and now exercise my agency to show that I have an unshakable testimony that matters to me more than anything else I have. And I’m NOT okay with that! The knots tighten, my tension mounts, and I am drowning in my new understanding.

Staggering. In the other direction. Not only will I not let go of the rod, but now I fear that I may grip it so tightly I will break it. People aren’t supposed to understand like this, aren’t supposed to accept like this...dear God in Heaven, I understand but now in only a matter of moments I have taken a complete 180. I understand and I accept and I believe, but this positions me opposite everyone I love most: my friends and family who understood where I stood before. How in my mission to foster love and understanding do I ever explain this? How would anyone ever understand that faith can be THIS powerful? I’m ready to vomit, and I don’t know how the hell to even start to vocalize this to someone I now call friend who is gay. How to tell my brother who was behind me all the way that I’m now on the same side as my parents, that I don’t want to fight my uncle in California anymore. I want to vote no on prop 8 with every fiber of my being, just like I want to be able to no longer believe in the church that has given me everything... and just can’t. I can’t do it.

This to me is why people leave. This to me is why marriages end. This to me is why I am always alone. Because people’s faith doesn’t run as deep as mine – I didn’t even know faith like this was possible. People just aren’t meant to hack faith like this. They aren’t. It makes me want to stand up to every single person confronting homosexuality and say, run. Turn now, and just run. Get away from the church before your belief in it is so strong and so powerful and so uncanny it’s almost like being enslaved. To truth. What the hell is wrong with me...?

This is what I meant at the beginning: condemnation. The misunderstanding—in the other direction—begins here. To be criticized as a sell-out, a traitor, a turncoat. To hear that I have been brainwashed, that I have been deceived by sly Mormons. Just as in 3rd Nephi when the prophets could not write what it was like when Jesus spoke to them, I cannot in my finiteness begin to expound how I am feeling right now. I tried and tried and tried to Turtle. She didn’t get it. Over and over and over she didn’t get it. How do you explain that you agree so wholeheartedly with her saying that voting no on prop 8 is easier that it has taken you to an entirely new and foreign plain of understanding and realization that she cannot hope to join you on because she has not walked your path, not been where you are, and has not formed spiritual moorings like yours? Turtle started crying and lamenting feeling like she was left behind. I tacitly and tactfully tried to explain to her that she was being selfish. How dare her try and join me every step of my journey! That’s really how I saw it. She has not walked where and how I have. Yes, there are things she could share, but I have reached and done things she is just approaching in her own self journey. While she strives to love herself, I can join her, for I have walked that road. We go hand in hand and I help her every way I can, so that she feels safe and comfortable and able to continue forward. But when I, far beyond her, take another step into the darkness, and she tries to make an impossible leap to join me, I collapse to my knees.

She is not strong enough, she’s not ready, how do I make her see that she is trying to eschew her limits and attempt a feat that I do not believe she can achieve right now? I suddenly decided that I never should have involved her, never should have tried to bring her along with me, and I needed to leave her behind, which hurt her even more. Either way led to her getting hurt. If I tried to bring her with me into my new understanding and lean on her, I would break her. I know she struggles in her testimony with things like pre-mortal life, and especially life after death. Her testimony is not ready to handle such a beating. I lean on her, and I break her. So I have to leave her. I call this protecting her, but am I just being selfish in my own wickedly twisted right? I have discovered an incredible, baffling strength I never imagined in any right would come to bear as being part of myself, and I jealously don’t want her to share in it?

Language, words, explanation fail me. I am shattered, broken, everywhere. I put myself quickly and forcefully back together, understanding with never before achieved comprehension, but my finiteness prevents me from sharing that with anyone. I did not know I was ready, that this was possible, but it is and I am. I am so strong it’s magnificent and frightening. How do you come to a place where you are ready to oppose everything you moments ago stood for? Does this count as a type of transfiguration? Is that presumptuous? Lofty? Self-righteous? I don’t know any other words in our vocabulary that can reach what I am feeling.

The simple explanation is that my dad and now my uncle were right – there is NO PLACE for homosexuality in this church. This is absolutely confounding. It’s so simple to say and yet it is so so so infinitely more complicated than that! God designed the family and he made man and woman to fit together in perfect unity and harmony and I get that, and I’m willing to follow it, without even attempting to understand how the f**k I reconcile my attractions and actually DO it.. I don’t believe any more than I did yesterday that the way I feel is changeable or that this is a choice. But I wonder if my uncle and so many others continue to bombard with the simplest of messages because it contains locked within it the greatest, most complex, astounding understanding. *You are a child of God.* If you REALLY understand that – on a level where again, language, word, and explanation fall short, then that is the trump card. That is the card that overpowers, dominates, subsumes, extricates everything else. I am a son of God, and that’s the first thing God told Moses, and the last thing I fully capt. Somehow, some way I cannot give meaning to, really seeing how far that goes, how deep that is... it makes nothing else matter. My attractions, my inklings, my desires don’t matter when I understand my divinity. Again, I expect criticism, confusion, and maybe even outrage at my new place, my new position, my new (old?) self. Have I just pierced the veil by the tiniest fraction with my understanding? Or have I plummeted into a new depth or self-deceit disguised as sure truth?

How? How do you get others to see this? To understand this? To be able to ACCEPT this? I have taken a huge step, but I feel like to do it, so much just got left behind in the blink of an eye and now I don’t know how to recuperate that. What do I do to stop and pick up the people who just got hit with a wall of bricks and are now recoiling, crying, hurting...in many cases against me...when I just had their hands seconds earlier?

I have no answers, no hope, no iota of elucidative power.

I balk like Nephi of old: “And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Ne. 11:17)

“[I] don’t know everything, but [I] know enough.” (Neil L. Andersen, October 2008 General Conference, Saturday Morning Session)

That “enough” can be eternally frightening...but I do not worry about the future and the details. Only the now. And that I am strong. And continuing to move forward even though I may be more confused than I have ever been before.

I do not believe in easier. And it makes me want to cry. Really, really, really hard. Hold me.
~Hidden

Standing... for Everything

2008-08-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Beck's recent post and my comment moved me to put this up here. People are becoming increasingly torn up about Prop 8 and the damage it seems to be causing.

That said, it's also ripping my own family apart now, for which I have no answers... my uncle is one of the grassroot leaders in Southern California. Against me. How do you combat that? What do you say? How does any of this STRENGTHEN my family? So for all it's done is shred us. What can we do? How can we be heard? How can we, as Beck put it, circle our wagons?

I wrote this maybe two years ago... it's in bad need of editing, but I don't have time right now to do so. The basic message gets across though, so just take it for what it's worth:

Manifesto

In 1973, homosexuality was taken off the list of mental illnesses by the American Psychological Association. Since that time, there has been increasingly more acceptance, but prejudice has not ended. Is this not a goal we can achieve together?
There are among us individuals who would identify on neither side of the Mormon vs. homosexual debate, categorizing themselves as both Mormon and homosexual. They have been attacked for refusing to be openly gay, for refusing to be “authentic to themselves” by living the way they were made. Yet, on the same token, they have been attacked for not changing who they are, for not becoming straight and “normal.” Are not these individuals worthy of our love as much as any of God’s children? Standing on the underpinnings of Mormonism and homosexuality reflects a conscious decision: to understand who they are on all levels and to use that as a catalyst for living by belief anyway.
Have we sought to provide a place of peace for them on this road of difficulty? A house of healing? A haven where they can work out their suffering and reconciliation in the context of support? How can we call ourselves God-fearing Christians—those who lift up the weary hand and aid the sick and afflicted—when we are pushing our own away solely because they struggle differently? Where are the tender mercies of the Lord? Mormon homosexuals are lying abandoned at the roadside, beaten and dying, and we as priest and Levite are passing by without offering even a second glance. Where is the Good Samaritan to succor them, to show them the love of God no matter their circumstance? Their place is not easy, but that does not make it wrong.
It is time to begin working diligently to create the environment of understanding and acceptance they long for. Their unique position of dedication despite difficulty must be given a voice. They fight daily in the trenches of this struggle with no one to back them, no one to give them cover. Why have we not reinforced these soldiers on the frontlines of duty, integrity, and stalwart devotion to the gospel? How long will we continue to label as tendencies—to be shunned and divorced from within them—those very things they are struggling to find happiness with as part of who they are? What if they like who they are? What if they embrace their sexuality without acting upon it? Can we not aid them in this process? Must we define them as the sinners we love while shunning their sin? May we plead to know what sin? When they have done nothing but try the best they know how with what they’ve been given?
Identifying this way does not constitute an abandonment of principles and morals to become a sexual act. It does not imply a spurning of God, family, and culture. Neither does it mean denying a portion of who they are. How can we say they go about things the wrong way when they are human and need to be loved just like everyone else does? How can we work to unnerve their system of belief if it incorporates what we say is wrong? Why do they get placed with abominations before the eyes of God when they have done nothing but fight to figure out who they are? Since when has feeling and attraction become a justification for hatred and oppression of otherwise righteous individuals?
The general gay community strives to acknowledge everyone as a son or daughter of God loved by Him; we can do likewise. Mormons believe stolidly in being “willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and [being] willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18: 8-9). Why has initiative not been taken by Mormons to apply this principle to those who struggle with homosexuality?
Let us amend the errors of our ways and begin now to live this doctrine. It is time to stop fighting and to stand with our brothers and sisters who need our support. How many are even now suffering in silence without anyone to aid them? These are our brothers and sisters! Were not even the lepers taken in by Jesus? Did he not sit at table with publican and sinner and regard them in their plight? How can we ever attest like the Primary song that we are “Trying to be like Jesus” if we will not even stop to acknowledge those crying in the corners of the wilderness for a friend? For someone who will listen and at least try to understand their predicament? Even when their attractions do not harmonize with ours on all accounts, let us embrace them. If we do not begin to take the actions needed to remedy the neglect and prejudices incurred thus far, Mormon homosexuals will continue to be lost. They will leave the Mormon Church in search of other happiness, or in the extreme, commit suicide. To reconcile beliefs with feelings is difficult enough; we should not be compounding the issue of homosexuality by our lack of understanding. We need to back these individuals in carving out their unique path—a path that pairs them with the Atonement and their Savior—as they walk, crawl, and scrape their way back to
their God.

~Hidden

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is WRONG!

2008-08-12T16:30:00.001-07:00

Funniest list maybe ever:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

I found this list here.
'Nuff said.
~Hidden

What everyone should know (Prop 8)

2008-08-12T08:51:00.001-07:00

Amazing. Great. So needed. (Now why wasn't I a part in creating it? :P) No, I'm glad someone has done this. Someone has made this. Someone is speaking out.

I will spread the good news.

http://mormonsformarriage.com/

Everyone should know about this. Pass it on.

Change (and Prop 8)

2008-07-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

Life has been great since graduation. No complaints. Which is part of why I haven't been blogging. I've pretty much moved on to other things. I should reconsider making this blog public now that I've graduated, I have a diploma, and I'm free from censoring myself.

The fear is over.

And it feels so good.

And then I move to Cali. And then Prop 8 happens. I've heard stories from Pinetree about what happened last time with Stuart Matis, as well as read In Quiet Desperation, (but who hasn't?)

And then Prop 8. Gah. I tell myself that it's over, that I don't care, that stuff like this doesn't determine anything about my testimony, but the ache is still there and I can't hide from it.

I don't remember when or where I heard about the letter coming from the First Presidency, but I knew it was coming. I knew it. I was still in Provo the day they were supposed to read it, and I went to Sacrament Meeting (I think) and our new Bishop didn't read it. Thank goodness. Which was surprising to me, since I was in P-town.

Anyway, the next week we were at Turtle's single ward, and figured we were safe because it was the week before. Not so much. The counselor got up and said he failed to read something the week before. We couldn't believe it! As soon as he started reading and I knew it was what I thought it was, I walked out. Stood up and LEFT.

The ache and pain this causes is still surprising to me. I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm secure in my testimony, and I pray for the strength to follow and understand the counsel God's servants give to me... it's still just so freaking hard. Why? Why are they doing this?

I really like Max Power's email on Prop 8, and fully agree with him:
"It boggles my mind that we as a church can recite the 13 Articles of Faith, but we don't seem to actually believe number 11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

"You don't have to like gay marriage. You don't have to accept it as part of your beliefs. But you do have to respect the freedom of choice that God gave all his children in this life."

3 weeks later, last Sunday, we went to one of my favorite areas from my mission, and it was brought up! I couldn't believe it! Most of the time the Spanish branches are in their own little gospel world that isn't affected by any of the larger political stuff. Most of them can't even vote! The 1st counselor whom I've always respected stood up and showed off a paper they'd drawn up to assist the members by showing them specifically all the ways they could help Prop 8 be successful, whether a little or a lot.

I wanted to throw up. Our church is supposed to be POLITICALLY NEUTRAL and yet they continue to disregard that and do what they feel is in the interest of all of us. I really don't know how to respond to their restricting other's agency as acceptable and reasonable... I just don't.

I vowed that I would steal every last form as I sat there listening. Then, of course, I got swarmed by all the people happy to see me and I forgot. I remembered as we were driving away and pounded the steering wheel. Gah!

My hope resonates right now with the life of just one. Hopefully Californians with open minds and hearts will outnumber those of the Church and define for the rest of the United States that we all have unalienable rights, including the right to choose who we marry. This is not the destruction of the family. It's really not. I just wish the people who are freaking out about this and moving money and power into this proposition would see that.

That's all I have to say right now.

"I feel a little suicidal, just not high enough to jump." -Strata

2008-04-12T21:47:00.001-07:00

Final papers suck.

And they are totally gayer than I am.

The end.

Hallelujah!

2008-04-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

Things are well. Busy, but well. I'M ALMOST GRADUATED!!! *celebrates*

Good news is that my friend just called me from work (though she's not allowed to) and told me that she gets to walk in May, which her advisor told her last week she wouldn't let her do. But she has fought and fought, and refused to give up. She has kept writing her thesis, even after being denied, and now they have relented.

I love God! I love the gospel! I especially love awesome friends who support one another and help each other be strong.

My mantra for life: "A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation from the bricks other people have thrown at him." -David Brinkley.

Truth. *beckons* Bring it. Throw another brick my way. I need more to get me higher faster anyway. :P

To Grandma

2008-03-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

My best friend's Grandma passed away this morning, and I know this will be an absolutely crushing blow for her. I'm scared where she will go next. This will either be the motivation she needs to get through the coming months, or the gaping maw that will devour her alive into new depths of depression. I wrote this for her, because to her I am a poet, even though I firmly argue against such things:

To Grandma
~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up this morning
and wanted to dance
Celebrate
Life, love, happiness
Bright, sunny, warm

I called [BF] to
invite her
wrap
her in the same arms
of love

When she answered
she sounded too awake
and then I knew

Grandma,
I don't know your name
but somehow that's okay
because we share a common bond
Love of a girl
Bright, sunny, warm

Like the sun
Shall we dance?
Stretch, turn, twist, grow with me
Hold my hand and never let go
this journey is absolutely, uniquely mine
But I want you to come too

Getting ready
I left my house
And locked the door, bolt shut tight
Said goodbye to empty halls and rooms
Hollow memories

As I walked along
I heard the birds
in the trees
chirping, calling out
loud and gay
Bright, sunny, warm

A Tribute
to the birth
of Spring
Made me think of flowers, blossoms, petals,
Growth, beauty, joy
Bright, sunny, warm

The sun will never stop shining
down on me
And I know
that neither will your smile
For there can be
no death in love
There is no death
For a life well lived
Goes on forever

Keep smiling Grandma,
And I will hold [BF]
for you
with you
We are
Bright, sunny, warm.

Attitude Problem

2008-03-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

It's been forever and a year (not quite) since I put anything up here.

I've started journaling again, which is something I've needed. I can't remember a time when I was busier (although somehow I still feel like I get more sleep than I did as a missionary...) and I am ready for a break.

Graduation is close, and I am so excited.

That's what I want to say: I am well, and happy. And I like that.

I think that everything we get in life (whether born with or not) has to be funneled through our attitudes. Viktor E. Frankl was not dumb when he said that we always get to choose our attitudes, especially in suffering. The hand you get can be a blessing or a curse. Your Choice.

It has been a long and ofttimes debilitating struggle, but I'm going the "blessing" route now wholeheartedly. Knowing who I am, being okay with it, and embracing it...that has become what I use to empower myself to help other people.

I help people.
In small, but SIGNIFICANT ways.

And for me, that is enough.

An acquaintance mentioned the other day that I seem to be moralizing; that I'm condemning those who choose to live differently than myself. I initially spouted off about accepting everyone no matter what they do and how they choose to live...trying knee-jerk reactionarily to defend myself, but with greater thought I think my response was erroneous. I am moralizing. We choose what we are going to believe in, and that's a tough cookie to crumble for some people. Those who become disillusioned and walk away from the gospel into what they have chosen to believe is right cannot call themselves free of moralizing either. I realized that after thinking about this particular acquaintance's circumstances. He's not served a mission, doesn't want to, hates church, and often speaks out against the institution as close-minded, repressive, etc etc. Not very new arguments from people who are upset. That's moralizing too! He would probably balk if I threw that argument at him, but isn't it? You've just aligned your beliefs opposite mine, and every step I take toward my "right" and staying in a Church that is far more important to me than anything else is a step further into your "wrong" because of oppression, bigotry, and any other number of reasons.

Moral relativism is a dangerous game and one that I cannot walk indifferently. That knife edge cuts and cuts and I'm tired of bloody feet. I will look and live and that's the only thing I know how to do. I refuse to rationalize and justify. Gospel principles are gospel principles, and until/if they are changed with the proper authority and dissemination from the mouth of the Prophet I believe in, what I follow is ordained of God and I cannot rightfully place myself elsewhere. God doesn't believe in line-walkers, or fence-sitters. Make a decision and stick to it.

Hypocrisy is condemned more than anything else by the Lord, so I must be true to self and Church and follow that which I see before me as the lighted path--albeit rocky, thorny, hedged about, and difficult--back to my God.

People would argue me on this, attack me even, for my choice. For my solidity, my stability. I will NOT back down. My chips are down, and my weapon drawn, and I have chosen a side.

I'm not looking back.

Math

2007-12-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

I hate math.

Problem:
Girl Drama
- the girlfriend part
* the moving away in one week part
+ the flirting constantly but not wanting anything out of this part
______________________________________________

= Complicated life. Girls suck.

Answer
+ all kinds of RL drama
+ amazing family drama
+ Finals and papers and tests, etc etc
_____________________________

= I HATE THIS SCHOOL... and my life.

Answer
* being SSA but trying to date
__________________________

= HELL

Answer
/ (divided by) my love of God and Christ
_____________________________

= Somehow I guess I'll be okay

That's all.

fear

2007-11-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

I'm teaching in Elder's Quorum tomorrow... I'm absolutely frightened out of my mind. Guys are so incredibly intimidating to me. I passed on the calling to be the Elder's Quorum chorister for that very reason... now I'm going to teach them all gospel?

I just have to remember that after my testimony the outpouring of love was huge. Dz told me yesterday that it was the most memorable testimony and people are still talking about it and grateful for it.

I just hope I'm not awkward, or embarrassing. The focus is on Christ, not me... I want people to be like, "Who is this kid? Where did he get that testimony?" From trials baby. Trials that bring us closer to God. Hey, that's the topic of my lesson...

...I'm still scared out of my fricking mind.

Funk...

2007-11-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't had any drugs for almost a week... That has made life really shitty. I'm doing good, I really am. Phenomenal, even. But shitty.

When your attention span is 3 seconds, enduring an hour and a half of a subject that you're not even remotely interested in is more torturous than having your eyeball scraped with a straight pin. (ow...) So I didn't go to class on friday and didn't give a damn about my papers and didn't do any homework... just went out with a girl. (Two actually... one for lunch and one that night).

Oh, and I should prolly set the record straight here. Apparently people think I have a steady girlfriend. That's kind of a lie. There is/was a girl I found myself completely falling for... and wanted to date. But she's taken. I debated making a move, but wasn't sure how. This whole being in love with a girl thing is still really weird to me. So basically I got really shy and tripped on my words and felt awkward around her and her damn boyfriend continually made me hate him and feel uncomfortable around her, until I just stopped being her friend. I completely cut her out of my life. 1000% I'm such an asshole... I just can't be near her... My other friend who is great friends with her made clear what was up, so she didn't freak out that she'd done something to upset me. But now I don't know how to even just be friends with her. Agh. All I can do is get on my knees and pray for her and her boyfriend every night before I go to bed.

But I'm dating. I went out three times last weekend. And had 4 lunch dates during the week. There is a girl that I have my eye set on right now and am actively pursuing. I took her out last weekend to Thanksgiving Point and we ate in a hella bougie restaurant where I had pecan-crusted swordfish and dropped ridiculous amounts of money...because I can...and I felt like it. Then we went to the barn nearby and saw a huge display of all kinds of gingerbread houses. It was pretty cool and there were some that took up entire tables. Then we walked through the gardens. We went with my good friend (whom we will call Lisa) and her bf, and it was pretty fun. I dunno though. I'm into her, and want to date her, but she's kinda shy and I don't know how I feel about that. We are going out again tomorrow night. We'll see if that goes any better and helps me settle on an opinion.

I'm going out friday again with another girl. There are seriously too many of them. So many to date, and so few I actually want to. But people don't say no to me (usually). Have you seen me? I mean, damn. lol I dunno, this girl's pretty cool, though. Maybe I could like her. My good friend says she can so see me with this girl than the one I'm pursuing at present.

So yeah. I ain't given a damn about school for a bit now, and even better, I don't even know what to do or say anymore as far as blogging goes...

I read my scriptures for like an hour yesterday and it felt really good to spend time in the word of God. But then I read the blogs. So many have been defensive. So many have been outraged. So many have felt attacked.

And so what am I? The resident insensitive asshole? When did I get here? I'm trying to be spiritual... and that doesn't coincide with choices I see others making... but how do I say that without being branded? I think by far the best response was by Remus. But then what does that say about me? Have I become an unaccepting bigot because I have found a place to ground myself and build spiritually? I still love you all the same... I just hurt for the choices you make... or desire/think about making that I know only frustrate happiness. I KNOW THAT. Been there, and done that. And I'm not proud of it. And I want to help other people from being where I have been. How does that work without getting crucified by your fellow brethren who are still struggling and still questioning? I have no problem with questioning. Or thinking. I do them too. But I do have a problem becoming casual in my beliefs about Jesus Christ, losing my focus on what I REALLY want, and how much my commitment to the faith I've been with all my life has wavered.

I was reading in James last night. Chapter one. The verse about prayer that inspired Joseph. But there's so much more there! First off he says count it as joy when you are tempted. We should revel in our struggles and trials and enjoy how identifying the way we do, or being "gay" --whatever the hell the word people use anymore is-- and that trials should help teach us patience. Then verse 5 we all know. If you aren't sure about your trial and it's purpose --if you lack wisdom-- get on your knees and pray about it! Ask God! But you can't just ask. This is key guys, K E Y. Something has to be understood here. In the next verse it says "nothing wavering." Nothing is a pretty inclusive word. You can't waver. You can't hesitate. You can't vacillate. Do you understand what that means? Well verse 8 is another testament to the importance of those two words: "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways" (James 1.8) Does this resonate with anyone? When you are unsure of yourself and your sexuality and your faith... well it just explodes until you aren't sure about ANYTHING. Doubt can destroy your testimony!

I'm not trying to overshadow or question or minimize the experience of questioning and struggling, because reconciliation does take time. But just realize that while it's happening, life will be hell (as it was for me). Also realize that as good as being open-minded and accepting moral grays and ambiguities is... you still have to put your foundation somewhere. (parable of sand vs. stone anyone?) Back to verse 6: "For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed" (James 1.6). The sea is constantly changing and shifting... doing that gets us nowhere!

Why do people not see what these verses are screaming? I almost want to take my bible and just physically beat everyone with it... that's how impassioned I am about this! But then I get called heartless, a bigot, and unaccepting.

So what can I do? How do I say it? These scriptures are teaching us that being a member of Christ's church --and being CONVERTED-- requires a complete, whole, unwavering commitment. This is ALL or NOTHING people! There IS no room for rationalization, justification, hoping against hope to get what you want. The gospel is one of sacrifice, people. The gospel requires you to get out of the damn boat (see previous post) and WALK. Not doubt. Remember that's what Peter did? He sunk.

[Expletive]...This is SO HARD FOR ME. But I know it's RIGHT! And that's why it's worth it to me! W O R T H I T!!! I'm going to fight for what I believe in, and I'm going to keep walking the open path. I have the courage. I have the faith. I have the strength.

The ridiculous part is SO DO ALL OF YOU!!! Are you not returned missionaries? (Or strongly wanting to go?) Are you not members of the Mormon faith? Well, where the hell is the evidence? Where is your conviction, your surety, your knowledge? That burning?!! If you're anything like me, when I "came out," I LOST IT. Well, start fighting to get it back! Because you can! You just have to shift your focus, take a new direction, and continue to strive with faith and sacrifice!

My commitment to God is that IMPORTANT!!! And I want yours to be also...but it seems when I open my mouth and try and scream (or write) these things I am blasted left and right for my hatred and lack of understanding.

Am I doing this in the wrong spirit? The wrong attitude? Am I being too forceful? Then why do I feel the spirit when I think and say these things? What's so wrong with me and my devotion that I lose all of you? I have no [curse word] idea what to do or how to proceed...

But I'm sticking to my testimony, first and foremost. Because I recognize that this is a COMMITMENT. And one that I can't go back on, or rethink, or doubt about. All or nothing.

There is no lukewarm. Just like there is no "try."

W A R

2007-11-09T11:19:00.001-08:00

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?

~William Yeats, The Second Coming

I have much to say, but don't really know how to vocalize the pit and ache in my knotted stomach. I'm doing so good. My commitment to God is stronger than it has been in so long. That's not the problem. It's the polarizing and dividing among the ranks of the Moho world.

Once again lines are being drawn. People are reaching for weapons. Except this time I'm not crying in the middle for peace. I've picked a side. I don't regret it. I don't think it's a mistake. But does it have to be like this? O, dear God!!! Why is this happening?

I've already mentioned these qualms in previous posts. This gospel is a gospel of work. Of sacrifice. Of faith. Many Mohos say they want families. I KNOW I DO. But then I feel like all they do is sit around and have pity parties with each other about how hard this is and how bad it sucks. Yes, this is difficult! Yes, it can be painful! But it doesn't have to cripple your spirituality!!! God doesn't hand out spouses to heterosexual people, much less to people who aren't overtly attracted to them. But if I stick to my guns - I WANT A FAMILY - then I can frame myself with the mindset that God will provide the way. I will have the faith that he will guide me to success. That's difficult for some people to wrap their heads around. But seriously. If you want a family, then you NEED to be actively working toward that. You need to be out there, meeting people, dating girls, and strengthening yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the rough road ahead. Just look at the example of the Older MoHos. Their blogs are rife with struggle, pain, turmoil, and growth. NO ONE EVER SAID GETTING WHAT YOU WANT MOST WOULD BE EASY. I'm not saying that either.

I 1000% recognize and understand who and how I am. I am attracted to men. I desire intense physical intimacy with them. But I have CHOSEN to adopt the same mindset many Mormon men face with the addiction of pornography. I can WANT to look at porn, and CHOOSE not to. So I stand. I can WANT to be with a man -and recognizing that- move to what REALLY matters to me -that's my eternal progression and having a family. I can CHOOSE to pursue heterosexual relationships while not ignoring my homosexual tendencies.

People ask me how this is possible, and I've had my own qualms too with regard to the future. How would such a relationship work? What about the past? The secrets? A friend of mine almost lost his girlfriend when it came out that he had had problems with pornography. I sat there and balked. If Mormon women won't stay with someone who has looked at porn, where in God's name does that leave me with the kind and amount of egregious errors I've made? Dwelling on that would suffocate me. I would drown. I would die. I would beginning looking for a gun again. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

If you insist on focusing on the "ifs" the "hows" and the logistics of the future you fail--utterly fail--to understand your today. It's all about letting go of the rope you would use to hang yourself. Just let go. Screw it. I don't care. I'll deal with that when it's in my face and there's no more getting around it. Until then? I'm going to actively date and have FUN getting to know girls. That's all there is to it. I'm just going to jump in with both feet. Peter didn't walk on water by putting one foot in a little bit to test the water, sit there and think about it, mull over the consequences, the fears, etc etc. If you want to do something to CHANGE who you are, and to STRENGTHEN your testimony, GET OUT OF THE DAMN BOAT.

People are also becoming offended because Therapevo Ydata and I have begun spiritually putting our feet down. We are destroying doubt with the word. "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharped than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit..." (Heb 4.12). The word of God and our testimonies are coming to bear against people. The problem is not specific actions people are doing, or specific instances of sin. It's the overall decaying of TRUTH. People are eschewing "right" and "wrong" for gray and ambiguity. While that's great, you still have to come to a decision eventually. You have to decide WHAT you are going to believe in. That took me a long time to figure out. But no matter what I did, what I hope for, what I tried, I always ended up back in the same place. The gospel of Jesus Christ. People continue to question, to doubt, to rationalize, and to justify, and they want to have it both ways. My dad told me a very long time ago, when we spent our first time alone and had our first real conversation in maybe my whole life about who I am, that that wasn't possible. I didn't believe him then. I vowed to be the first. I will bridge the gap I told myself. But you can't. It's just not possible. The prophets say one thing, and those living active gay lifestyles say another. And we are stuck in the middle bombarded with hate, prejudice, and misunderstanding. God loves us. He understands us. People are holding out for a revolution in the church, for doctrinal changes. As much as I wish to stand up with you and hold a sign of hope, it's NOT going to happen. Are you reading your bible? This isn't a matter of prejudice with blacks and the priesthood where the brethren have to come out and say, 'oh we made a mistake.' It's scripture recorded in the Bible. The Church's stance can continue to soften as it has with things like "God loveth his Children," but it will not change. This is problematic to people who feel ZERO attraction to women. I am not God, or a prophet, and I do not have an answer for you. But I will love you, and stand with you, and hold you in pain and suffering as you grow to be more our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Now to my second issue. I am deeply, deeply, bothered that this seems to be turning us against ourselves. I'm not okay with that. That's where the sick and twisted knot of stomach is emanating from. Mohos talk of themselves as "part of the family" and yet now our family seems to be falling apart because some of us wish to eschew evil in all forms --including casual ones.

My only plea would be to say, please don't let this to amount to war. More than I ever have before, I am 1000% against war. It's horrific. I've been studying WWI and poets like Isaac Rosenburg, Rupert Brooke, Siegfried Sassoon, and Wilfred Owen. It's awful. Nietzsche is not far off in his claim that "God is dead." We have killed him! We have taken technology, learned, improved, and then KILLED with it. We have become our own Gods. I'm very much not okay with that. When England was set for war, the "boys" were sent out with pomp and circumstance and they were celebrated and glorified. Then the realities of war became all too starkly clear.

"Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime...
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud..."

~Wilfred Owen, Dulce Et Decorum Est

War is disgusting. There is NOTHING to celebrate. England stood at the beginning of WWI as the imperial superpower. The one to be reckoned with. Then London got the hell bombed out of it. Well I look at the now. At the here. At 2007. I see the USA getting pissed at China for creating a missile capable of destroying a satellite from the ground and not telling them about it. I see the UN making a resolution to have space be neutral and peaceful to avoid another arms race, and the USA being the ONLY country on the entire damn planet voting against such peaceful resolutions. I have a PROBLEM with that. When I look at Britain going into WWI, all I see is the United States of America in 5 years. We are a generation unfamiliar with war. But can't you see it's coming? Time is winding down and we are going to be called upon to rise and fight for our country. I'm not okay with that.

Just as I am NOT okay with the impending war I seem brewing in MoHodom. WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO PEACE? Doesn't anybody try and live by Jesus' teachings anymore? God, I'm scared...

For everyone...

"God rocks even more than my Mom does" ~From my Journal

2007-11-04T21:18:00.000-08:00

I bore my testimony in church today. I was shaking the entire time and I bawled. People were really moved by my sincerity. Tons of people thanked me afterwards and gave me hugs.

I was really, really nervous and for good reason. I started out saying that and then added, "I'm nervous because it's been almost two years since I've been at a pulpit. That's because I haven't really had anything to say. But I do now..."

I talked about the blessing my uncle gave which I realized mid-week last week set off this entire spiral back into faith and God and the gospel. It really was him. He came down for Conference and then came to visit me at work and he asked if he could give me a blessing, and then when he put his hands on my head he blessed me to know. To find the answers I've been searching for. I don't remember one single other thing he said, though the blessing was at least like 2 or 3 minutes.

Anyway, today was really good for that reason. And then I heard this song today and loved it:

Have you been here before?
Do you know the road I'm walking?
Have you been out here
When that cold north wind blows?
Can you promise me I'm gonna get to where I'm going?
I'll trust you now like I've trusted You before

But if I lose my way will You come find me?
If I forget who I am will You remind me?
It's a long, long road
And I'm not gonna make it on my own

Every time I try to make it through without You
If I lose my way, I stumble and I fall
Will You be my strength through the valley and the shadow?
Will You be there to answer when I call?

But if I lose my way will You come find me?
If I forget who I am will You remind me?
It's a long, long road
And I'm not gonna make it on my own

I've known dark nights
But there were stars
I've seen stormy days
But the sun was never far away
I've known loneliness and pain
But I've felt the peace of heaven
And the love of Your embrace

And if I lose my way
You will come find me
If I forget who I am
You will remind me
It's a long, long road
And I don't have to make it on my own.
And if we lose our way
He will come find us
If we forget who we are
He will remind us
It's a long, long road
And we don't have to make it on our own

But if I lose my way will You come find me?
If I forget who I am will You remind me?
It's a long, long road
And I'm not gonna make it on my own

~"If I lose my way" by Jericho Road.

I really love God and I love my church and I love who I am.

But more than anything, I think I love actually being happy. That's still really new for me, but so far, I love it. A whole whole lot.

QOTD

2007-11-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

K, seriously? I laughed for five minutes.
I almost died because I couldn't breathe.

"If homosexuality is a disease, I'm totally calling in gay to work tomorrow."

-icefirephantom (my fave person on the internet right now)

I suffer you

2007-11-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

In the dictionary the word suffer has a number of different meanings, including: feeling pain or distress; to undergo or endure; to tolerate, bear, or allow. Another meaning is as a plea, like when you suffer someone to do something. Almost everyone associates dealing with being attracted to men and being mormon as something inextricably linked to suffering. Pain, hurt, struggle, growth. Suffering.

Today I learned a new way to use the word suffer, rendered all the more striking when juxtaposed with the original meanings presented:

"Forasmuch then as Christ hath suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind: for he that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin" (1 Peter 4.1)

Fascinating. He that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin. I'm not a math person by any means, I'm a writer. But math can be used here (surprisingly) to gain additional insight into the use of the word suffering in this scripture.

has suffered in the flesh
has ceased from sin

Has appears in both and is construable as "like terms"; therefore they can be replaced with an equal sign. With a little regrouping, we attain: suffered in the flesh = ceased from sin. The equation can be simplified even further to say:

SUFFER = CEASE SIN

The double entendre here is riveting and aporetic. Are you a sufferer?

I have a new favorite scripture.

New Testamentimony

2007-10-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Gasp of all gasping, my New Testament class didn't make me want to stab my eyeballs with a sharp pencil for being so boring today. There really is a first time for everything. It was actually very interesting, but that's cuz we were talking about what I already blogged about. So for those who stomached the first dose and still want more, here comes more Romans, and lots of scrumptious questions:

"Know ye not that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?" (Romans 6.16, emphasis added)

That word right there...yield. It's important. Verses 12-14 address not letting lust overpower your mortal body and using your members for the right reasons. Paul is talking about the hard stuff here. The stuff your kids are gonna want/need to know about, and you're going to have to tell them. Do you have the spiritual guts to be so blunt?

To review verse 16, whenever you YIELD you become servant to that side. Where else do we see yield in the scriptures? Mosiah.

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father" (Mosiah 3.19, emphasis added)

Again the yieldage. What means it? We have to yield to get God in our lives, we have to choose that path. That last half says become like a kid, and lists attributes. Start from humility and move forward. Are these arbitrary attributes slapped together? If you think so, time to reread my last post. There's a formula here; a list (Romans 5.3-5). And when we yield, what does that mean?

It means you STOP FIGHTING. You surrender. You give yourself to God. And what does that do? How about "builds humility" for $1 million. Where's the most well-known humility scripture? Ether.

"And if men come unto to me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12.27)

Ah yes, the ol' weakness to be humbled scripture. Well what does the Lord require? 1. Humility. 2. FAITH. Oh look, that thing I've been talking about in depth. Amazing.

But seriously. Yielding. Surrendering. It takes effort. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO IT ALONE THEN YOUR TRANSITION ISN'T DONE YET. THE NATURAL MAN DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF SURRENDERING. But it needs to be done. You have to YIELD and give yourself to God in order for him to work in you.

And may I now venture into a realm where I would (were my blog public) very openly and quickly receive criticism. Could not one's level of attraction be considered a "weakness" spoken of in verse 27? Does God not then promise to make such a "weakness" strong? I realize this will be seen by some as borderline blasphemous. My only retort: Do you have the spiritual guts to have ENOUGH FAITH to surrender yourself to God and his mighty plan with enough humility to have him make your weaknesses strengths? I don't yet, but this isn't all or nothing.

It's life. And life is a process. Not a verdict.

Some Milk

2007-10-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

I was reading my scriptures today at work and came across this:

"...but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." (Rom 5.3-5)

I think the formula there is pretty amazing. From trial to hope and reveling in the love of God. That's pretty much truth right there.

Another one:

"For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness." (Rom 5.20)

This is what I was talking about yesterday with being scared to have faith, and being scared to stop doubting. When you continue to dwell in ambiguity, and moral grays, and question what you know to be true, then you are free. Free from the responsibility and commitment the gospel brings with it. But then two verses later we are reminded "that the wages of sin is death" (Rom 5.23) You can be free from righteousness or you can be freed from sin by the truth. There is one path, one redeemer, and one gospel. Do you have the guts to follow Him? The FAITH?

One last scripture that stood out:

"For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it" (Rom 8.24-25)

This goes back to what I said yesterday too. People are struggling and moving in a direction they have rationalized as "right" because they can't see how things could possibly work. How can I be with a woman? How can I be at one with my feelings and the church? They don't see it, and then they give up. But that which is seen is NOT hope, that's just it. Hope IS that which is not seen. That's why it's hope. That's why it's hard.

The weighty, important things that really matter? They take work, dedication, suffering, sacrifice, hope, and FAITH. They aren't supposed to be easy. Then we wouldn't grow and how would that help us be more like God?

K, I'm done preaching now. Ps, happy birthday to my mom. I heart my mom. We talked for the first time today since our fight in... June.

F A I T H

2007-10-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

How long have I
Been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by
The ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright.

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I
Ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has
Become my purpose.
Cuz I'm so used to living
Underneath the surface.

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright.

Everything's alright...yeah...everything's alright.

~Lifehouse, Storm

Changes Good

2007-10-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

I know, it's been a while. I know, I never said everything I wanted to say. I know, I know, I know. But there are other things I know. And I think I need to write about them so you know too.

General Conference was pretty much amazing. I went to 4 of the 5 sessions in SLC, and watched the other one at my house. This was the first time since coming home from my mission that I didn't completely hate myself and the church after it was done. It was...kinda hopeful actually.

And then it started. My paradigm shift. I'm still confused, and still wary, but I'm going for it. Gimple has been a strong influence and I'm so so grateful for his example.

I just really felt after conference and having discussions with close straight friends that I needed to move in a new direction. And that direction isn't as "new" as it seems. It's back toward the church. Not that I've been moving away from it, but I haven't really been doing much to be a Mormon.

I'm okay with my shift. And my friends remarked immediately that I seemed different. God forbid... but I seemed... happier. And I like that. I feel like I've always known this was the path. Drex has been a close unwavering example of that for a long time but I was too much of a dumbass to see that. I know what's right. The scary thing is that I may always have known what's right. But acknowledging that you know is difficult. It brings with it explicit responsibility. And so I balk, and say, but it's almost easier to doubt and say you don't know... because then you don't have to do anything. It's all about faith. And having the COURAGE TO HAVE THAT FAITH.

Gimple is prolly gonna post on this too, (sorry if I steal any thunder) but the MoHo community is becoming way too casual. Way too casual. I felt really uncomfortable at the last "get-together" Salad and Drex hosted. It was just way too cuddly for me. I'm not really looking for that anymore. So I've pulled away from most of those people, and I'm okay with that. I really like where Gimple is going and I want to follow him. He is amazing, and an example, and an inspiration. Many mohos out there are struggling right now. Really struggling. And that's because they are afraid. Afraid to have the faith that God is still with them and will help them. What are they doing? Just hanging out with other Mohos. Cuddling. Hooking up. That doesn't spell "gospel" to me. This may sound slightly hypocritical because I used to be there, being that casual, but I've learned...and I'm growing again...away from those situations.

I'm starting to unbury my testimony. The gospel is right, and I KNOW THAT. AND SO DO YOU. Now... I just wish that knowing hadn't come at such high a price. It hurts inside, you know? But it's good. It's all good hurt.

I started praying again. I hadn't prayed in months. I'm reading my scriptures. I'm actually feeling the spirit again. And I'm CHOOSING to believe that not only is God good, but that he will fulfill his promises. He will lead me, he will guide me, and that there IS A WAY to make it.

And that way is through FAITH.

I realized that my mission was so so so amazing because God knew what was coming next. He knew that it was going to destroy me and make me question more than I ever have before, and so he gave me a special mission with tons of success and witnesses of truth. I just wish I had seen that sooner. He did it so that it could be an anchor to me in these hard times. I also figured out why some of my straight friends are in my life... and that's for their testimonies. They are pillars of gospel strength. I need people like that right now.

In a recent convo, my friend said, "Hidden, wow. This... you realize this could be one of the most important decisions you ever make?" I do. That's intimidating. But it's true. This could be one of those crux points that changes everything else I do and am.

I'm still okay with that. And changing. FAITH.

I'm starting to see a girl... and I think I like her. So I'm kind of redefining my sexuality all over again right now. It's been pretty interesting, but I'm in a good place.

And I like that.

Broken

2007-10-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is the healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will...be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

~Lifehouse

I Know The Feeling

2007-09-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

I... I'm doing okay. I guess.

Here's my new favorite song...

I know it cuts you inside every time that you try
To take a pathway in life that leaves you so unobliged
Every promise is lies, every smile makes you cry
Leaves you so unalive, so unalive
I wish I could take the fall
Maybe by that I could solve
The problems we're all having
It's been a while since you've felt like you've been home
Your life's just flesh and bone

Your heart is worth more than you know
The one thing that hurts more than your life
Is to wake up one more time alone
It's to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

This time it's all that I've got
Words hit the page like gunshots
My stomach's left in a knot
My pride is left here to rot
It's been a while since I've felt this restless
By definition it's depressing but I'm alright
It kills to wake up one more time alone
It kills to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not
I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

~The Classic Crime

Alone

2007-08-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Drex and Salad are married and busy with each other.

Gimple moved and went on vacation.

Gwen told me she's not coming back. Neither is Stephen.

Julia was keeping me from company, but gave up on work and went back to Cali.

Allie moved far to the east, so I never see her.

Trev and Tiger got married and moved to Virginia.

Everyone left me here to bleed alone.

I have 3 new roommates. They suck. They don't wash their dishes ever, they mooch my stuff, and they have continuous B.O.

No one in my ward gives a damn about me either. As noted, I'm on the fringe with church. Has the Elder's Quorum president come over? My home teacher? Anyone? HELL NO. They don't give a DAMN about people who don't really go to church. Chalk up another reason I hate this damn state. The church is so fake. No one really cares.

Am I worth any tears?

I haven't talked to my mom for almost 2 months now. I miss her... but don't know how to fix what's started anymore...

Why can't I have one person in my life who cares about me like I care about other people? Does anyone even think about me anymore? I just want to be worth it to someone once...

Damn being alone.

Mormons Suck Sometimes

2007-08-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm in the mood to blog... *sigh*

I went to Church on Sunday. It was the first time in three weeks. I even went to all three hours, which was a first in months. I was quickly reminded why I go on the fringe only.

I almost walked out of Elder's Quorum but instead just sat there and waited with AGONY for them to be done. The lesson was on Eternal Marriage and its importance. Can't we talk about anything else in this fucking church? PLEASE??

Blah, blah, blah, Marriage takes work, its hard, its important, you need to prepare, etc etc. I've heard all that shit before. Doesn't make it any easier for me. I know what I'm getting into. Except oh wait, I like men and so my job is 1000x harder than everyone else.

My bishop even helped out too. He was sitting right behind me. He saw me focusing intently on my Sudoku puzzle doing my best to ignore everything behind said outwardly while it cut me to the core inwardly. In a brilliant maneuver of tact (as he is renowned for) he raised his hand, and said, "Mr. Person teaching the lesson, can you talk about those for whom marriage may be difficult? Can you speak to those who may no longer have any hope of getting married?"

Bastard. Why didn't he just raise his hand and say, "Can you please speak to Hidden's inability to like women and attempt to make him feel better (even though he'll just end up wanting to stab his eyes out with a fork and throw them at you) knowing that somehow in the next life this will all supposedly just resolve itself?"

I love that when I actually do go to church it just makes me want to go even less. I think I'm starting to hate my church alot... and I already called my Bishop a bastard so it's clear where I stand on that one.

I want my testimony back. I want to believe again. Can I have hope and faith yet? Damn waiting until April. Nothing works in my life the way it should. I think its funny that people adamate that they are not broken... I AM. That's pretty much the only thing I DO know these days. I'm broken and I hate it.

The End

Breakdown...

2007-08-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm still reeling from my immense sense of disconnect. My profound sense of unplaceable disconcertion.

I'm not sure I can even tell who I am anymore.

I've become a ghost of a shell...everything else is dead and buried.

I've been doing so well... keeping myself busy.

Class and work and being involved have kept me driven. DRIVEN I tell you, so that I didn't have time to dwell, to think, to try.

To breathe. Or to be.

Now I find myself slave to the space between semesters. I have no routine. No schedule. Nothing to bury myself in to keep from living...

"What hurts more than just dying is living barely alive. After all it's easier than falling short every time." ~The Classic Crime, The Fight

I think I'm breaking down... and I don't know what to do. Other than push it away and keep trying to maintain my broken self.

A close friend I recently came out wrote me a letter about how she hurts for me because I won't face this... she doesn't know anything... I have faced this. Head-on for many months. And then the pain became too great and I started making rash decisions that I regret and I got so confused and messed up and unsure that I almost died. Really died.

So I started running. And I've never looked back. Sometimes you cope by avoiding because you're not able to handle what it is you're running from. And that's okay, right? You can run for a while until you get a better handle on things and then come back for a second try...

Only I don't understand what's happening to me now... during the in-between... running shouldn't hurt... so why do I hurt? And want to cry?

I hate blogging I think. But maybe I hate me and my life more?

That's all.

Song of Myself

2007-08-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of [weeks] and I'm a silhouette,
My halo is broken now
And I'm all that's left.

I hate to disappoint
but it's the way things went,
I was blind to the things I did

And deaf to what was said...
Tie up these loose ends
cuz voices are calling...
...me out.

I've got the solution
You can feed me to something
That is leaving this town.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

A couple of tears
And I'm a broken mess
The sadness has taken me

Too deep in regret
So sing me a song
About something good

My heart's on the threshing floor
And I've done every single thing
I could

I used to believe in some kind of feeling
That could change everything
I thought I knew

But that door is closing
My heart feels like it's frozen
If you hear me

I can't feel you.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

The coldest heart
Can be brought to life
(can be brought to life)
When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes.

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

Whoa! I'm losing hope
There's a hole in my heart
That's been cut out of stone.

Whoa! Cold comes, cold goes
Could you fill this hole?
Cuz I can't do it alone...

I've got the coldest heart...
I've got the coldest heart...
I've got the coldest...

...heart.
~The Classic Crime

Gurgle...

2007-08-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write this.

I feel like Atp. I want to blog, I want to... I just don't.

I know exactly what my next ten posts would be and say. It's all planned and drawn up, it just needs typed...

And then I choke. I balk.

I can't do it. I have a PRIVATE blog with only close INVITED readers... and yet I can't do this.

I can't hack blogging.

The risks outweigh the benefits for me, and I'm scared to reveal myself in such a way. It's just too real for me. Too personal.

I'm on disconnect.

I'm plodding along toward April. Is it here yet dammit?

I just want to graduate... that's ALL that matters to me.

I feel sick to my stomach and disjointed today. One of those days where you are so disconnected from yourself that it affects even your 'pretending to be okay' functionality.

I want to cry, but don't remember how and it never helps anyway. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have no direction, no hope. And when you don't have hope, life isn't a very fun experience.

I look at my future. I've been building it for ages. And yet, it scares the shit out of me.

I watched Pilot Candidate all the way through... and realized I'd never seen the final eppys. It was amazing. Zero races toward the future and his dream of becoming a pilot. In the last episode the story really opens up and becomes break-neck, edge-of-your-seat interesting...

...and then it ends. It just stops. There's no more.

I'm left wanting more. And there is none. Is that what's going to happen to my life?

The future is bright... since when did I become scared of the light? Is it because I am made of darkness? What the hell is real anymore? What the hell is right?

I'm just tired of feeling lost... and not knowing... anything.

I don't think I have anything else to say right now.

Regression... [under construction v3.0]

2007-07-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

Blah. That's all. Blah. I am failed at being a blogger.

Reasons:
1. I am far too busy with my life to type out what happens.
2. I stopped journaling... I want to start that again before moving on... but I never get to that either.
3. I'm OCD about the entries being poignant, crisp, and amazing (perfect). I need to get over myself before I post more.
4-50. I'm scared. Scared to be real. I'm lost my faith... I've lost my ability to trust other people... I'm just not sure going forward is a good idea. I want to, I just need to get over my fear...

Fear is the opposite of faith. And it can be crippling. So where's my miracle of healing to help me learn how to walk again? Physical therapy doesn't always work. Am I too broken to be fixed?

So I don't know. We'll call this an impasse. A brick wall. Something I'm still trying to decide how to get past, weighing the costs and risks. And I haven't made a decision yet. So you'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

Soul Exposed (Part 1): The Price of Worth

2007-06-02T17:31:00.001-07:00

K, let's start from the beginning. Genesis chapter 1:1. Sike. I'm not about to recite the whole bible. So God made Adam and Eve, etc etc etc until my mom had me.

I was the second child. I have an older brother, and when we were kids we'd just fight all the time. My mom describes it thus: "He'd just be playing, minding his own business, and then you'd have to go and mess it up. The terrorizing tornado would come barreling into the room and just... be antagonistic." Yeah, basically I'd just start beating up on my older brother. He'd lay me out flat, and I'd need some time to nurse my wounds, but I'd always come back for more. I think this can be chalked up to a basic need for attention... anyone? anyone? *shakes head* I started young...

Erik Erikson studied human development and divided it into seven stages, each marked by a crisis (which he defined as a turning point, or moment of transition characterized by the ability to move forward or backward in development). The first stage involves the level of trust you have for the world. With needed warmth, cuddling, and attention, a child develops trust. When these conditions are not present, the child becomes suspicious about interacting with others, acquiring a general sense of mistrust toward human relationships. Now, as far as I know, my parents were very loving and caring and gave me the proper attention and warmth as an infant... but this distrust quickly developed in other areas of my life. That's one of the interesting things about Erikson. Once you enter a stage, it never goes away. You deal with it for the rest of your life. So trust continues even when autonomy is introduced, and that continues when initiative comes about, etc etc. Mistrust started early and affected me deeply, as you are about to read...

The first day of kindergarten was such an exuberant day for me, filled with incomprehensible opportunity. Finally I'd get away from the drudgery of my home and do exciting things. I was presented with my teacher, Mrs. J, and 30 new potential friends. So I put myself out there, no inhibition, no judgment, I wanted to be friends with EVERYONE!!

Oh, the cruel, harsh reality of rejection. It breaks and destroys souls. I know it did mine... One of the hardest questions for a parent to endure: "Mom, why doesn't anyone want to play with me? Am I bad? Is something wrong with me?"

I've always always been scrawny, and my attempts at trusting... this need for attention... the drive to feel wanted... left me the perfect target for bullying. I was picked on, made fun of, and even beat up. All the while I did my best... I shared my crayons, helped on the swings, and went out of my way to be the best friend anyone could ever want...

A tiny child with carefree dreams and hopes can only take so much before reaching his breaking point. The bullying became too much, too far... too long. I snapped. I was being chased, called names, and I just stopped. I turned around and laid the nearest kid flat. And then went to the Principal's office.

This was the beginning of my withdrawal from the world. It was cold, harsh, and cruel and not somewhere that fostered the sense of trust Erikson describes. So I would be the same way to the world. My walls began to form, brick by brick. My behavior deteriorated and my parents set up a system with my teacher where everyday when I got home I'd bring either a smiley or frowny face. I had to save the smiles, and when I got ten, I could get a reward. If I got a frown, I was grounded and/or punished. That never stopped me.

I became a tyrant. I became the bully. I became a socially dysfunctional nightmare. I would color on other people's pictures, knock down their block towers, and wreck the games they were playing. I even killed the class goldfish. It the world would not love and want me, I would not love it back. Summer was a lonely time, and there were no neighborhood kids who liked me, so I taught myself how to read instead.

First Grade, Mrs. P. Still no friends. I was so mean to my teacher one day I actually made her cry. I had become a devil... crying for help. But no one heard me screaming. I would throw markers at people and even stab them with pencils. No one wanted to associate with me at all. Except the principal, when I was in his office...

During the summers it was always hardest, because I didn't even have homework to keep me occupied. Luckily, I was blessed with a very active, and vibrant, imagination. I would play outside for hours on end doing make-believe, and having grand adventures. I had a sandbox where I could build entire cities to drive matchbox cars around, have kidnappings, crashes, and all kinds of kid fun. G.I. Joes were by far my favorite toy, and when my younger brother was old enough, we could pass an entire day just playing with them outside, in our basement, or inside the living room couch (which folded out to be a bed).

Second Grade, Mrs. B. Still no friends. The same harassment and hatred flowed from me as I became even less impressed with the world and how much it hated me for reasons beyond my understanding. Stabbing, yelling, pushing, throwing things. One day we were sitting down to read for story-time, and a girl took my seat. I bit her on the arm. Principal's office.

Third Grade, Mrs. W. We moved to a new house. So I got to go to a new school. Another shot at having friends. I could change, take down the walls I was building, and connect. My mom was good friends with the lady across the street, and she had girls my age. So I tried to be friends with them. K.T. was nice enough at home. She'd play in the sandbox and swing and even sometimes play Nintendo. But as soon as we got to school, she became another person entirely. She had her "girls" and to be cool for them, she'd call me "stanko" to my face. Some friend. The walls, the rejection, and the embitterment to this damned world continued. Since no one would play with me on recess, I'd just chase girls and terrorize them by trying to kiss them (so why am I not straight? Dammit!). My teacher tried hard to help me, and encouraged me in my studies... even when I always had the desk in the corner... exiled for my bad behavior. Once, instead of my homework, I wanted to use her computer to play Math Games, and she said no. I got pissed, and the next time I had a turn I erased the system and ripped some of the floppy disks in half. Principal's office.

Fourth Grade, Mrs. L. Probably the teacher I hated the most. My prowess for academics got me out of the classroom when I got accepted into the Challenge (not challenged!) Program for advanced students. I got to go to 6th grade for half a day at the middle school. When we got back, the class would be at recess. I'd walk around the room and steal pencils out of desks. After recess, Mrs. L would read to us. When I wasn't off by myself, I'd "accidentally" drop my pencil, then bend down and tie my neighbor's shoes to their desk. Hilarious. One day I took a bottle of glue and dumped it on the new shoes of the girl next to me. Her foot got stuck! Also hilarious. Another favorite game of mine was pulling people's chairs out when they were about to sit down, so they'd crash to the floor.

I remember one day in particular, I was extremely pissed at my teacher (I'd just gotten in trouble for some antic). In my corner, I was vigorously scribbling on my desktop. Mrs. L called to me, "Hidden, I want to see you up here...NOW!" I stood up angrily, put my hands under my desk, and flung it as hard as I could. It flipped upside down and slid across the floor, spilling its contents everywhere. Can we say Principal's office?

Fifth Grade, Mrs. F. I still didn't really have any friends. One girl kinda reached out to me, but I only saw her on recess. She was a "reject" too, she had a speech impediment. At least I wasn't brutally alone anymore. I still got picked on, and the bullying never ended, even though I'd be as much of a terror as I could. There were just boys bigger and stronger than me, and they made it clear. Even if I hadn't been dysfunctional socially, I don't think I would've gotten anywhere. I knew I was different for hating football and not wanting to play tether ball or basketball. I just didn't like that kind of competition. I already got beat up enough, I didn't need anymore help. One day in particular I remember, a girl named C.M. said something really snide to me. Minutes later, she came over to borrow my scissors. We were making mobiles using hangers and string. I took my hanger and cut her right across her throat. Do I even need to say it?

All this time my parents were devout Mormons, and so every Sunday I went to church like a good little Mormon boy. The church has always been set up as a safe place... a haven for the weary and heavy-laden. This was supposed to be a place of solitude, acceptance, and love. Not even here did I find respite. A boy my age, B.P., from the neighboring town constantly harassed me, calling me "gay" and "queer." He turned all the other boys my age against me. I hated B.P. I could never say anything either, because he had two older brothers in High School, and they would pick on me too. I was scared to death of them... and so I suffered in silence when I was supposed to be growing closer to God. Interestingly enough, B.P. wasn't the first to use the words "gay" and "queer" with me. That was actually the nature of much of the picking on I received throughout childhood. Not to digress from the story, but I'm very very curious to know if this has anything to do with my orientation (subject of Part 2). I mean, if you hear something long enough... if everything thinks it but you... then you start to question... and hell begins. What if they're right? What if I am? Oh God... (I've been interested in doing psychological research in this vein for a while... it happens with parents and their kids... if your dad tells you you're stupid every day, eventually you believe him...). So back to the story: One week, this kid was gone on vacation. A new boy was in our ward that day. He'd just moved in! It was the prefect opportunity. I would win him over before the other kid got back to ruin everything. I immediately introduced myself, pulling down everything I'd built to separate me from the world. A.L. agreed to be my friend. I was elated! Finally the sun was shining a ray through the dark clouds surrounding my stormy life!

Sixth Grade, Team: Mrs. And, Mrs. P, Ms. Ag, and Mr. M. were my teachers. A.L. was on my team at school. I was happy at first. But it turned out he wasn't actually in any of my classes. We were on opposite schedules. I barely saw him at recess. I continued to excel in all my subjects, and get really good grades. But this was Middle School. All four elementary schools combined. Four times as many kids. Four times as much persecution. As the days dragged on, I began to get really, really depressed.

My parents finally figured me out. They had grown tired of the temper tantrums, and struggling to connect with me, so they had thrown me to the shrinks. I got diagnosed with ADHD. I was smart, my grades proved that, but I misbehaved and paying attention was a huge struggle for me. The fact that my mother still says to me sometimes that "for the first eleven years of my life they had no idea how to understand or relate to me" still hurts. Being a kid was so hard for me. Once I got on medication, I calmed down with my behavior, but that didn't help me get any more friends.

As far as sexuality goes, I'm not sure where I was at this point, much of my past is hazy for me. I know that I had at least two girlfriends during the school year, but beyond that... (Again, sexual development will be addressed in part 2). As I was saying, I was completely enveloped in depression. The world just didn't seem like a place where I could fit, where I could find love, where I could be understood. How could everyone hate me? My discouragement and perilous state was elucidated best in a sixth grade journal prompt during Language Arts. The prompt was: "If you could switch places with someone else for a day, who would it be and why?" Other kids wrote about switching with basketball stars, or pop stars, being president...you know kid dreams. My entry was starkly different. I was breaking inside, and tired of being alone. I wrote two pages about how I would never ever switch places with anyone because I didn't want anyone to ever live in my shoes for even five minutes, let alone a whole day. Why? Because I was clearly worthless, no one wanted me, and I didn't want anyone else to suffer the way I did every day. I turned it in just like that, in all it's bloody glory. I had opened my soul once again, and screamed for help. Suicide was heavy on my mind much of the time (And I wasn't even overtly struggling with being gay yet...).

My teacher read it, of course, and saw it for what it was. I was in trouble underneath the happy, go-lucky presentation I wore to class every day. She went to the Assistant Principal who, of course, called my parents. They were pretty jolted by the entry. I had to continue meeting with the Assistant Principal. I was outwardly pissed, but inwardly craving any attention I could get... positive or negative. I just wanted to be loved.

I guess the medicine helped. Or having my parents realize that they needed to do a better job with me... somehow. Ash and I hung out during the summer, and when I got to Seventh Grade, things weren't so bad. I was now in Junior High, and had Mr. A, Mr. B, Mr O, and Mrs. A. English became the love of my life, and Mrs. A. inspired me to write and read, and I thrived in the world that was not my reality. In Challenge, I met a girl named M.H. and we became friends. I behaved myself relatively well, and it showed. My mom came in for the first conference expecting the normal, "Your kid has behavior problems, and needs help staying on task." Instead she got, "Your kid has wonderful potential and is doing an amazing job at school." She seriously almost fainted. I laughed and smiled, for once. Throughout the year, I got pretty close to my Challenge teacher, Ms. Z. To avoid the drama of the cafeteria and social life where none of us really fit; Ash, Mel, and I ate lunch in her office everyday.

Eight Grade, Team Gumby: Mrs. G, Mr. S, Ms. Gill, Mr. K, and Mr. R. Awesomest teachers I've ever had. English remained by far my favorite class, and I just happened to have it with Mel. In Challenge, we got even closer. The rest of the class started a unit called "Mini-Society" where you create a country, government, money, etc. My brother had done that when he was in the Program, so I already knew about it, and I wasn't really interested. Neither was M.H. The internet was coming out at this time, and M.H. and I would mail back forth, writing a story about looking for each other in the forest. We asked Ms. Z if we could do an independent study writing project, and she agreed. We would write and write and write. During classes, out of class, weekends. The project was supposed to last three weeks. Well, we got so into it, we drug it out into a three-month project. Then we still had to rush to get the ending done, before the school year ended. When all was said and done, we had a book printed one-sided on computer paper, and it was 256 pages, 11 chapters. Rock. That summer we wrote a sequel, and got ready for High School.

My mom, as great as she is, and much as I love her now, at the time really perpetuated my despair and self-loathing increased. A journal entry from April 15, 1996 says:

"Okay so my mom went to this meeting at the High School for a Charter School I said I was interested in. My mom was asking questions like 'Duh, yeah, how many high school kids do you know that play with G.I. Joes harh harh?' As if it's my fault I have ADD. Then she went on about me not being self-motivated and sociable and not ready for that type of environment. I mean come on! Does she think I'm stupid or something? She just didn't want to hurt my feelings but I know exactly what she was saying, she thinks I'm a little immature baby. It makes me hurt inside to have her trying to shield the truth by playing dumb with me.

"And to make matters worse, she said that I had just gotten adjusted to my new meds and she didn't want to take me away from my 'new reputation.' New reputation indeed!

"Obviously, she has no idea how much I am made fun of, mocked, picked on, or any of the other things going on at school; if this is a new reputation and life, well then I'm just downright sick and tired of it. She sees me getting the grades, and having good relationships with my teachers so she thinks everything is just fine. Well, for crying out loud, it's not!

"After that I said I wanted to go because I wanted to be with friends. She said back that she thinks wanting to be with my friends is a pretty poor reason to go. If she says that, then she has no idea how much they mean to me or how little real friends I have. She must have no idea that they look out for me, support me, help me, and motivate me. I look up to my friends and respect them for who they are inside, not outside; and for the way their personality really is, not for the way I think it should be or how I want it to be, or how someone thinks they should be in order to do a certain thing. I respect the qualities in them. I have a question I don't understand and I ask my parents and they don't tell me the answer or how to get the answer. I do get that from my friends."

M.H. and I both joined the Marching Band (I played Clarinet since 5th grade) and that served as a type of niche for me where people didn't completely reject me (although there were still plenty in band who hated on me). High School went by soooo fast. M.H. got me interested in acting, and we joined the drama program. I continued to have phenomenal grades and was in all the classes with the uber-smart, uber-popular kids. None of them really wanted to be friends with me. My younger brother, as young as 7th grade, was running with the popular crowd and secretly I was jealous. I never had that kind of acceptance and love (disclaimer: popularity in school does not actually qualify as being loved, but I thought it did then). My Junior and Senior years I was part of the Eastland Performing Arts Program, which was a satellite program hosted by our school for 16 schools in the area. So I had my core classes in the morning, and then in the afternoon I took acting and technical theater classes. They also had musical theater, but I was scared to perpetuate the thoughts many people still entertained that I was gay.

As people came into my life that didn't reject me, they wanted to get close to me; but they found the more they dug, the more they were faced with impassable walls. They couldn't get to know ME. There was a girl A.Z., who was trying to date me, but we struggled constantly to make our relationship work.

April 10th, 2001: "I started thinking about feelings and what A.Z. said to me. She WORDED it different, but in essence she called me a cold-hearted bastard to my face. That hurts. Feelings. 'How can you not feel anything?' She asked. Oh trust me. I DO. I just don't show it. I can't. I DON'T KNOW HOW. I CAN'T! I CAN'T! If I could, I would. She just doesn't understand! All my life I've taken shit from people. ALL MY LIFE! At first I was wrecked, then I started fighting back. As if that could do anything. No. I couldn't cope. I couldn't handle it. I almost fucking killed myself. That sucks. No one should EVER be pushed to that point. It sucks and it's wrong!

"I started putting up walls. It was my only defense. The only solution. I started shutting people out, and keeping myself in. Now those walls are in place. I've spent over 10 years cementing and securing those walls in place to keep out people so they can't fucking hurt me anymore. But maybe I built the walls too high, too thick. Maybe i've cut myself off too much. Cuz I've started keeping out my friends. Best friends. What have I done? I built walls to keep out my enemies. NOT the people I LOVE. It wasn't supposed to be this way. What the hell have I done? Oh my God! I've never known any other way to cope other than separating myself. Staying apart. Ignoring my hurt. The pain. The sorrow.

"I've built walls. These walls are strong. They protect me from my enemies. I hide behind these walls because I know of no other way to endure the pain and suffering. This is my home. My essence. My being. Cold, hard, and unfeeling on the outside, because what's on the inside is too important, sacred, cherished by me, and it's already abused, and it can no longer happen, so I keep it safe behind my walls. Once in a while, when no one is looking, I peek over my walls to see what's going on. Then if it's safe, I let my walls down, and emerge from my artificial shell...like now. But as someone as someone comes along, or anything happens, I retreat and return to my sanctuary, because I know nothing else, I know no other way. I don't mean to separate and isolate myself, but I have no choice. I tried to express myself. let everything run free, and all I got was to be the butt of the joke. The loser. So I made my own world, my own stronghold, where I can no longer be abused. It's a secret and not many have ever set foot inside. A few have, but none have seen it all, and no one ever will. No matter how close we get. Some parts were absued until they died, and now they are buried six feet under. I'm not cold, I'm not heartless. Just wounded. And still healing. But if you'd like, I'll try and start opening my door more often, and allowing you inside to see what's going on in here. It will be very hard for me, and will take some time to act out, but I'll try my damndest."

After A.Z. called me out, I started working at undoing the last 10 years of work to let my friends back in. I'm STILL working on it. It's way harder to destroy than to build. All I ever wanted was to be loved... and the world seemed to not be able to give that to me. My disconnection and confusion on relating were only compounded by my sexual development, the subject of part 2...

The Title of the titling title with(in) the title's title of titling a title... @_@

2007-05-08T16:04:00.000-07:00

Might as well start this out cliché-like. "What's in a name?" *gag* Well, someone out there surely doesn't get the name of my blog, so allow me to satiate you with brilliant and pithy elucidative delineation... *gag x2*

Aporia is a term used in critical literary theory, mainly by deconstuctionists. Such as Jacques Derrida. Ever tried to read him? Egads batman... it makes your brain jelly. However, not all literary theory is bunk and should be tossed aside with the morning's garbage.

Aporia is worthy to be entertained, and thus I will. Aporia, according to the Wiki (this isn't a credible source! Why the hell does everyone use it?), is: "A philosophical puzzle or a seemingly insoluble impasse in an inquiry, often arising as a result of equally plausible yet inconsistent premises." Derrida prefers the term "undecideables", while Emmanuel Levinas calls them "non-synthesizeables." Whatever the term, they are all aporetic and so that will be my effective blanket term.

Aporia results when something is simultaneously one thing and its opposite. It makes us skeptical and inspires faith; it is nothing more than an imaginative romp, and it is a serious challenge to our way of thinking about reality.

Aporia refers to that which "can no longer be included within philosophical (binary) oppositions, but which, however, inhabit philosophical opposition, resisting and disorganizing it, constituting a third term, without ever leaving room for a solution" (Derrida, Positions, 1981, p. 43).

These undecidable, non-synthesizables provoke us to question the categories and pigeonholes we use for taming and making sense of experience. Usually, therefore, we ignore them. If we don't, they have the ability to undermine and shake up our systems of thought. In other words, aporia simultaneously reveals and questions the ordering codes of a system; showing how it works, and showing that it doesn't.

Aporia will inject infinity into a closed system and split it wide open. By breaking open our previous ways of thinking, by adding something new and irreducible, such concepts offer true teaching. In Plato's Meno (84), Socrates describes the purgative effect of reducing someone to aporia: it shows someone who merely thought he knew something that he does not in fact know it and instills in him a desire to investigate it.

You see where I'm going with this. You pair two things that are both contradictory and true. The evidence stands both for and against it. Zombies are an easily graspable aporia: they are dead...but they are alive. Unfortunately, society dictates that ambiguity must be resolved. I'd vote maybe that's not entirely the best answer.

By becoming enmeshed in the predicament of either/or morphing into both/and, we blow the system apart; enabling us to move forward with that not yet experienced, not knowing where it will lead.

The point of this whole discourse... Pairing Mormonism with Homosexuality. At first look, they are inherently incompatible. That's how I felt when I first admitted to myself that both were true of me. But how? I was in direct conflict with myself and I was unsure how to proceed. Could they really co-exist? I was determined to find out. Aporetically, it seems they can. The logistic details of this aporia are another matter entirely, and hence, the journey to be undertaken as we explore the far reaches of this struggle. My struggle.

I want to document my experience, my turmoil, and my anguish in trying to figure this out. Done in literature, it just makes your brain hurt sometimes. But when it's your life? Everything hurts; you bleed, and cry, and try, but mostly just want to die sometimes. That's what I want to capture. The reality of the struggle. I feel that the real nature remains unsaid in its truest, most poignant form. I hope to remedy that.

Aporia is a crazy, beautiful thing. And so am I.

~Hidden